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Original poster

To go no contact?

35 replies

TylerD · 30/09/2025 07:34

I was in a very intense relationship with someone who made me completely emotionally dependent on them several years ago. When she decided to end it, she just ended it brutally and suddenly, and admittedly I didn't handle it well. I kept trying to talk to her and contact her over the phone and over messenger. In the end, she called the police on me and they gave me a warning for "harassment".

It took me a hell of a long time and a lot of work to be able to recover from the emotional dependence and abusive treatment I received from her during our relationship.

Since then, I have been in a relationship with another person for the last six months. This time, there were no fights, no drama, pretty much just a peaceful relationship. Admittedly I kept her at somewhat of a distance and didn't really let her into my thoughts and feelings like I did with my ex as I didn't want that emotional dependence again.

She has decided that, due to work and family, that she doesn't have the time for a relationship. And that also, she'd like to go travelling a lot, something I can't do as I have a child full time, and she'd like a partner she could share that with.

So we ended it. No drama. No arguments. We just parted peacefully.

However, given my past experience with my ex and what happened after that ended, I went completely no contact this time. Now she's trying to call and message quite a lot, saying that I'm ignoring her, saying that my silence is a form of abuse etc.

I'm really unsure of what to do?? If I contact her then at any time she could decide it's harassment like my ex, if I don't contact her then it's abusive???

I can't do both! So which is it? Contact or no contact? If anything, it feels like I'm the one being harassed this time!

OP posts:
Pleatherandlace · 30/09/2025 07:38

Erm, do you not think there could possibly be a middle ground? I’m sure you weren’t given a warning by the police for contacting your ex a couple of times. Just speak to your recent ex and explain that a clean break is easier for you.

Halfaday · 30/09/2025 07:43

There is a lot to unpick here

but my takeaway is that you harassed your ex and the police got involved.

and then moved on to another drama fuelled relationship. That’s now finished. And you have adopted a different tack but ultimately just wanting attention.

Get yourself a therapist op. That would be your best bet.

Original poster
TylerD · 30/09/2025 07:44

Pleatherandlace · 30/09/2025 07:38

Erm, do you not think there could possibly be a middle ground? I’m sure you weren’t given a warning by the police for contacting your ex a couple of times. Just speak to your recent ex and explain that a clean break is easier for you.

I didn't contact my ex a couple of times. It was many times, and she responded every single time, many times even initiating contact first. Which is why getting the police involved shocked me. I could understand if she was ignoring me and it was just a barrage of calls and messages from my end, but it wasn't. But I think that it scared me of the same thing happening again. So I just went no contact this time

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 30/09/2025 07:44

If she’s ended the relationship I don’t understand why she expects you to be available to her. Its not how these things work. You have every right to end contact with someone for any reason, particularly if they have indicated to you that they are no longer “available”. The claim that you are being abusive is manipulative: you cant end a relationship with someone and then demand to have the same access that you did when you were in the relationship.

Having said that, your attitude to relationships sounds very black and white and dramatic. You seem to lurch from intensity that borders on harassment to complete no contact. It’s worth considering that these wild swings in intensity are preventing you from having more balanced relationships. Most people don’t have the energy for this much drama. It’s possible some people find this too much.

I would recommend that you try to spend some time trying to figure out why you are drawn to these very dramatic moments in relationships and finding more of a middle ground.

Halfaday · 30/09/2025 07:45

“She has decided” to end the relationship.

A wise woman

Original poster
TylerD · 30/09/2025 07:45

Halfaday · 30/09/2025 07:43

There is a lot to unpick here

but my takeaway is that you harassed your ex and the police got involved.

and then moved on to another drama fuelled relationship. That’s now finished. And you have adopted a different tack but ultimately just wanting attention.

Get yourself a therapist op. That would be your best bet.

There was no drama from the most recent relationship. We were more friends than anything else and we got on very peacefully. But I don't want attention. My distance is that it's over, so it's over

OP posts:
Halfaday · 30/09/2025 07:45

Are you a man or woman?

Original poster
TylerD · 30/09/2025 07:46

Halfaday · 30/09/2025 07:45

Are you a man or woman?

Why does that matter?

OP posts:
SpudsAndCarrots · 30/09/2025 07:46

I think you need to take some time to yourself, whilst having some therapy to address your struggles, then find a new relationship once you're able to have a fresh start and healthily engage in one.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/09/2025 07:47

SpudsAndCarrots · 30/09/2025 07:46

I think you need to take some time to yourself, whilst having some therapy to address your struggles, then find a new relationship once you're able to have a fresh start and healthily engage in one.

Agree with this. I think some counselling would be a good start.

Halfaday · 30/09/2025 07:47

TylerD · 30/09/2025 07:46

Why does that matter?

Show quote history

Ah just read on another thread that you’re a man

Stop bloody intimidating women

Dudgeon · 30/09/2025 07:48

What @Thepeopleversuswork said. You seem to think the two relationship options are ‘drama’ and emotional over-dependence or ‘peaceful’ and distant. I’d get therapy to figure out why this seems to be a pattern.

Original poster
TylerD · 30/09/2025 07:49

Halfaday · 30/09/2025 07:47

Ah just read on another thread that you’re a man

Stop bloody intimidating women

Show quote history

But I'm doing the exact opposite of that. I've gone no contact and she still keeps contacting me. Surely that's her intimidating me now? And why does me being a man matter? It's only wrong for a man to act that way but not women?

OP posts:
Halfaday · 30/09/2025 07:49

TylerD · 30/09/2025 07:46

Why does that matter?

Show quote history

And even if I didn’t know from another thread that you’re a man… this response would have told me anyway

It matters

Halfaday · 30/09/2025 07:50

Stop dating women

Do you have any children?

Original poster
TylerD · 30/09/2025 07:51

Halfaday · 30/09/2025 07:49

And even if I didn’t know from another thread that you’re a man… this response would have told me anyway

It matters

Show quote history

Why?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 30/09/2025 07:58

Because men intimidate women much more than women intimidate men. And because of the size and power difference, it’s also scarier.

that aside, what on earth does ‘she made me emotionally independent on her’ mean?

get counselling help, you are all over the place.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/09/2025 07:59

@TylerD

But I'm doing the exact opposite of that. I've gone no contact and she still keeps contacting me. Surely that's her intimidating me now? And why does me being a man matter? It's only wrong for a man to act that way but not women?

Yes and I have commented that this isn’t fair in this specific situation.

But I think it would help to take a step back and look at your relationship patterns. You seem to be drawn to highly dramatic and intense interactions. These are not good or healthy relationships: most people find them ar best stifling and a turn off and at worst downright frightening.

You need to spend a bit of time on your own figuring out why you are drawn to these highly dysfunctional characters and situations and how you can change it.

Halfaday · 30/09/2025 08:00

This will be a very unsettling man in RL

Endofyear · 30/09/2025 08:11

Just tell her that as the relationship is over, you don't want to continue to have contact with her, then block her. It's not abusive to not want contact. You're under no obligation if the relationship is over. Tell her to leave you alone.

Ncforthis2244 · 30/09/2025 08:16

Not sure why halfaday is trying to turn this into a gender witchhunt.

Just block and delete the recent ex. She dumped you. She no longer has the right to your time or attention. Forget her and move on. Hopefully find a middle ground next time. Good luck.

Original poster
TylerD · 30/09/2025 08:17

Halfaday · 30/09/2025 08:00

This will be a very unsettling man in RL

I'm being completely honest here, it sounds like you just have a problem with men. Especially given that you think it matters what gender someone is. Abuse is abuse, regardless of a person's genitalia.

OP posts:
Original poster
TylerD · 30/09/2025 08:18

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/09/2025 07:59

@TylerD

But I'm doing the exact opposite of that. I've gone no contact and she still keeps contacting me. Surely that's her intimidating me now? And why does me being a man matter? It's only wrong for a man to act that way but not women?

Yes and I have commented that this isn’t fair in this specific situation.

But I think it would help to take a step back and look at your relationship patterns. You seem to be drawn to highly dramatic and intense interactions. These are not good or healthy relationships: most people find them ar best stifling and a turn off and at worst downright frightening.

You need to spend a bit of time on your own figuring out why you are drawn to these highly dysfunctional characters and situations and how you can change it.

I agree. Going to look into counselling as soon as I get the chance.

OP posts:
Halfaday · 30/09/2025 08:21

TylerD · 30/09/2025 08:17

I'm being completely honest here, it sounds like you just have a problem with men. Especially given that you think it matters what gender someone is. Abuse is abuse, regardless of a person's genitalia.

Show quote history

Men who harass exes that there’s police involvement

yes

MsGrumpytrousers · 30/09/2025 08:21

TylerD · 30/09/2025 07:46

Why does that matter?

Show quote history

Because men are significantly more of a threat to women than women are to men, particularly when relationships end.

Do you not read the newspapers?

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