Birthday gift reciprocation

[HappySonHappyMum]

My DD is at Uni and has a best friend who she lives with and a group of others in a shared house. My DD's birthday is in the summer break and her friends birthday is in a few weeks time. The friend has promised to send her a gift for the last couple of years in the break - but hasn't. Her birthday hasn't been celebrated at all. Friend is now sending messages to my DD with suggestions for the cake and presents she wants in a few weeks time. It is not unreasonable for my DD to suggest a night out which she will benefit from instead of gifts is it? And how can she let her friend know that she won't be buying presents without offending her as she still has to share a house with her until next June!

Maybe get her to say… didn’t we agree on no presents… I thought we did as I don’t think you got me one for my birthday.

These are women? 20?

OP… just let them sort it out

Her birthday hasn't been celebrated at all.

by any of her friends?

She needs to do a term time / half birthday for herself, thats what we always did for uni friends with summer birthdays.

I mean I agree that it's not for you to get involved with at all, but yes if I was your dd I'd just respond "I thought we weren't doing presents anymore because you haven't given me anything for my last few birthdays?" And then leave it.

Agreed, but I would make it even firmer and say 'You have never got me a present for the last two years, so what are you on expecting cake and presents from me?'

This isn't a friend, it's a using cheeky fucker!

She gets messages and calls of course - but all her friends go back home over the summer, as does she, so are dotted up and down the country which makes it very difficult to celebrate together.

does your daughter buy for any other friend?

I'm sure she will! But she's anxious it will affect friendships if she says the wrong thing and calls her out as she wants to. I thought wise Mumsnetters might be able to suggest an approach that might help.

Is it not just that the house put in money and get the friend something joint? That’s what happened when I was at uni

and if your birthday was in the holidays…. As was mine. You missed out . I don’t remember feeling peeved about it. As had my home friends to celebrate with

If she wants a gentle approach then the best thing is to say 'I don't think we're doing birthday presents and cake anymore, I've never had any. Let me know when and where to come for birthday drinks. xx'

Could she buy a very small cake and card and suggestion a night out?

So is your daughter not wanting to contribute to the group collection for a present?

Yes - and has got gifts in return. She knows you don't give to receive but when said friend is asking for expensive hand decorated cakes and gifts it's a bit much! My DD has openly said she'd be happy with a card as it is the thought that counts.

Oh, it's you again.

OP, FYI, this poster has been going around on every thread telling women how unreasonable they are.

Yes I’ve seen you too on threads

encouraging OP’s to cause big drama and tension, just to tickle your fancy. And then you bully them when they don’t follow your advice. It’s horrible to witness and you’ve been pulled up on it lots

Keep it really simple and push it back on her - ‘I thought we weren’t doing gifts?’

Then definitely don’t buy anything.

I am astonished at the number of people voting YANBU! Number one WHY are you getting into your DD's petty squabbles with her friends when she is an adult at university? Number two, to comment on the petty squabble, it is pretty normal to bring a gift and card if you see someone on their birthday, and not if you don't. IMHO it would be a really bad and childish move for your DD to tell her friends she is not buying them gifts until they buy her gifts. It just makes the friendship seem really transactional. Obviously your DD doesn't need to buy her friend gifts if she doesn't want to. But she should mainly focus on living her own life.

OP is this because your daughter doesn’t want to contribute to the group collection for a present?

If so, she is right to be a little concerned that this may appear a little petty

I think you've pulled that out of your arse.

Don't think OPs daughter is the ‘grabby’ one here…

’Friend is now sending messages to my DD with suggestions for the cake and presents she wants in a few weeks time.’

It’s more about helping OPs daughter to set boundaries for how she’s willing to be treated? For those saying she’s an adult, why wouldn’t you want to support her with navigating these sorts of things whatever age she is?

The question is whether this is a group present and the dd will have to say to the group that she doesn’t wish to contribute because she got nothing over the holidays
or
the DD buying an individual gift for the friend,

Did you say this is her best friend?

Where's the group present idea come from? There has never been any suggestion of group presents - it's not a thing in her friendship circle. I am not 'weighing in' or 'getting over involved'. She'll deal with it herself in her own time but she's asked how I would handle it - and I'm really not sure.

OP, your daughter is an adult.