Birthday gift reciprocation

[HappySonHappyMum]

My DD is at Uni and has a best friend who she lives with and a group of others in a shared house. My DD's birthday is in the summer break and her friends birthday is in a few weeks time. The friend has promised to send her a gift for the last couple of years in the break - but hasn't. Her birthday hasn't been celebrated at all. Friend is now sending messages to my DD with suggestions for the cake and presents she wants in a few weeks time. It is not unreasonable for my DD to suggest a night out which she will benefit from instead of gifts is it? And how can she let her friend know that she won't be buying presents without offending her as she still has to share a house with her until next June!

not a "friend" so no need to worry about offending her, surely?

"I'll get you what you got me. Let's go for a drink to celebrate - to be clear each to pay for our own drinks"

and then sit back and wait.

So this friend is sending very explicit instructions for what she wants? Well that’s just a bit rude no matter the context!

Why is your daughter worried about back lash from others?

She's not concerned about backlash from others - she just has to share a house with friend and doesn't want any bad feeling.

but she is already feeling bad?
Maybe a face to face: look, you can ask for all these things but they are very expensive and i'm a student. - that type of thing?

learning to negotiate a life full of CFs and twits is what uni is about, surely?

All she needs to do is say, "You didn't get me a birthday present so I'm not sure why you think I should get you one."

If she's over 18 presumably she could have figured this out by herself.

It's even weirder that you need to ask Mumsnet what she should do.

This is exactly it - she needs to set boundaries about how she's willing to be treated. I'm not good at it. I want her to be and I want to be able to support her.

How about, just ignore all the requests, and on the day hand over a card and ask where the birthday drinks are being held?

Teach your daughter to not be a mug. She should tell friend that

"oh I didn't think we did birthdays, you know mine was in the summer. But if you want we could do a combined birthday outing for the both of us or do you prefer we do mine first? Here's my gift list, I think it's a bit cheeky to send one out but since you did so I'll do it as well:)"

She Needs to learn how to deal with CF now or she wull be treated like shit her whole life.

And this is her best friend??

Surely she just replies with “ouch, that’s expensive. I know we don’t do presents for each other anymore but I’m happy to buy you a drink if we go out for the evening to celebrate” and leave it at that.

But she's anxious it will affect friendships if she says the wrong thing and calls her out as she wants to.

what other friendships would be impacted?

This is perfect.

Yes depends on the friendship being healthy and close

and fact the dd is worried they’ll be a backlash indicates otherwise

Sounds to me like your daughter doesn’t feel very confident about her place in this shared home, that she’s so worried about the impact on how she’s viewed by others and her relationships with them over something like this.