To think some people love being victims too much to heal?

[ThatBlueTiger]

They’re not faking their pain but they’ve built their whole identity around it. Healing would mean giving that up and not everyone wants to.

I don’t have personal experience of physical pain, if that’s what you’re talking about. But generally in life, yes absolutely so. Many people don’t want to heal and move on. They feel comfortable and find purpose in victimhood.

This is a hard one.

I think that getting better can be genuinely scary for some people. For example, I'm in therapy for intense catastrophisation about people close to me dying or falling ill or becoming extremely hurt. However, my thoughts often centre around the idea of "what if I get better, and then something awful does happen? It will be my fault because I didn't overthink things anymore." But logically, I know I don't have any control over people becoming ill or injured or dying anyway.

It's so easy to almost become comfortable with being sad, or depressed, or anxious, because that's what you have come to know and change can be scary. It's easy to become reliant on focusing on your bad days, because if you have bad days often, that's really all that you're used to.

So I think, in the majority of cases, it's not that people love being victims. It's that they're scared of change. They've gotten used to being the way they are, as much as they may hate it.

I think the wording- identity and victim is the wrong way to think- some people just aren’t able to see any light. That could be something lacking in their character or it could be they’ve just been beaten down too much.

I think some people dont have much else in their life, or have negative things in their life, so to discover that being ill gets kindness, care, interest and favours from others would be a revelation. Personality traits, positive and negative, do not go away just because you are ill. And to pretend that every person who is ill would trade anything to get better, or that every person who is ill has done/is doing everything that should be done to try and get better, is a lie that does not help people!

Oh, life is much easier when you can just shrug off responsibility and claim victim status. I’d imagine it is quite an addictive and self-serving place for some to be, yes. Not all though.

Yes I think some people are perpetual victims and have no wish to be anything else. I’ve encountered many people who confided their problems then got nasty when presented with advice and support.

People who go through trauma, particularly in childhood, develop coping skills that can be very difficult to change even though they are often self destructive. It changes the way you see the world and has a profound effect on how you form relationships.
It is a very complex thing to try to undo that type of damage. To simplify it into “they like being a victim” is ignorant and shows a real lack of empathy.
Mental illness like depression can change the way that a person thinks so that they are stuck in a negative thinking pattern and no amount of talking through their problems will help.
Most people don’t realise how common treatment resistance is common with depression and anxiety.
What’s to love about being a victim in this kind of scenario, do you think? What do you think is so appealing about it that people want to stay that way?

I’m guessing you are referring to emotional pain which is subjective rather than physical pain which is somewhat more measurable.

Yes, there are some people who hope to perpetually gain sympathy for emotional pain just as there are people who want sympathy for illness. And perhaps relative poverty.

The thing with emotional pain is other people seldom know how much it hurts unless they’ve experienced the same causes of pain. They just don’t really get it unless it’s happened to them. Even then the comparison is unlikely to be equal in terms of history and resilience.

Here on MN the go to response is to seek counselling and when that doesn’t solve the issue, to seek more counselling. The uncomfortable truth is that it doesn’t always work for everyone. Nor is it affordable for everyone.

So there are a lot of people who are dragged down by emotional pain who are misunderstood, not wishing to have some sort of victim status, but cannot resolve their problems.

How do you think suicides happen, if not that some people are the ”victims “ of pain they can’t endure?

I don’t know if it’s a case of liking, or enjoying it. I think it’s deeper than that, though I do understand what you mean. I see that ppl’s life experiences & diagnoses can become their entire identity & it’s terrifying for them to move forward from that, bc the ‘victim’ (I’d like to use a more fitting word, but can’t think of one) identity gives them a sense of safety, when they’ve likely experienced trauma.

You're talking about emotional hyperchondria I think?

I have someone in my family who has had so much therapy they now use therapy speak as their normal conversation, they make every situation into something about their pain/issues, and they very happily try to 'therapise' others.

I can deal with the first two behaviours, but the last one frustrates and angers me because they are not qualified and it's always uninvited and invasive.

Luckily they stopped trying to do it to me when I asked: "If you're still in therapy then do you think it's safe, wise or fair to be counselling others?"

It was a bit of an unfair comment I suppose because obviously qualified counsellors can need counselling themselves. But she wound up me up something chronic so I couldn't really help myself. Worked though...

You’re not talking about my mother by any chance?

I think some people do enjoy a certain amount of drama, yes.

I wonder if it’s because they were unable to think their way through problems experienced, the kind that whilst a bit shit, most of work through, even if it takes a bit of time and effort. Most (?) of us can anticipate many disasters and avert the worst. I’ve met some that just don’t have that ability. Maybe over-parented??

Do these people have EUPD?

Yes, I can think of several people like this, one particularly so. All men, as it happens. It's very tedious to be around.

My ex boyfriend. It drained the life out of me. I did suggest that giving up the half bottle of whisky he drank every day might improve his emotional state.

Oh yes, therapy is seen as an admission of them being in the wrong rather than working to rid themselves of pain and trauma and destructive behaviour.

Some people will always feel more comfortable identifying as a victim of something. It means they never have to take responsibility for themselves.

There will always be some "ism" somewhere that they can latch onto.

Saw this on X from Zuby- “Sometimes people don't solve their problems because they've made them a core part of their identity.”

I’m someone who started therapy for birth trauma but quit, because I realised I was enjoying the wallowing and validation more that getting better.

I don't think people necessarily make a conscious choice to do so, but I do believe sometimes people struggle to move on from whatever situation/person/circumstance is causing then pain, because addressing the reality and moving on with life can be hard to accept.

Sometimes people stagnate or unconsciously put their lives on hold because if they have self-doubt or fear about what they'll have left if they do move on.

Something weird has happened in our society where people feel very hyper-observed and subject to judgment. Huge swathes of people have taken cover under a protective shield of victimhood. “Don’t have a go at me, I’m just a victim”.
It’s understandable, but very unhealthy, obviously.

I agree totally with you OP. My mother currently is that person . Yes she has had a shit year and things haven’t been good but no she does not want help finding a solution to make it better. It’s also like how some people and families seem to thrive on drama and fall out over things that would be almost a non issue to me. I know several of these people.

I think that could well be me. My whole person is so wrapped up in my ‘trauma’ that I don’t know how else to be and have no idea how to just be steady and to cope when things are on an even keel so I self sabotage. It’s a horrible way of being and I hate it about myself - and hating myself doesn’t help so the cycle continues. I wish I could find a great therapist who could help me be rid of my victim mentality but so far the ones I have found just nod and agree with and don’t challenge me or even try to get me to think differently. If it was that easy to just think differently then I would have done it years ago - but it isn’t. It’s as ingrained in me as saying my knee needs to stop being a knee and now needs to start being an ankle, well it can’t can it? That probably doesn’t make sense 🤦🏽‍♀️ I literally don’t know how else to be.
My parent was similar and I think I leant into that behaviour/way of being. Somehow I have managed to avoid it with my dc and they are thriving - 1dc is LC with me (don’t blame them - just want them to be happy) I have to sort myself out to stop that happening with my other dc but I genuinely don’t know how.

YANBU

Victim mentality is definitely a thing.

I work with a perpetual victim who refuses to do anything to really help herself, and it's utterly exhausting at times.

I have a friend who split up with her fiance 15 years ago. He treated her dreadfully but she is still going on about it now, like it happened yesterday. She’s never really moved on, and all her relationships since have been short term, unstable, or futile attempts to recapture what she lost. She’s bitter and it’s ruined the best years of her life, when she what she should’ve done is grieve for a short time and then shrug it off. I want to shake her but I think she’s too far gone now.