Page 3 | To think some people love being victims too much to heal?

Mistyglade · 29/09/2025 16:21

Uggbootsforever · 29/09/2025 16:16

This is going to sound awful but I do wonder.

I follow a lady on Insta who lost a baby to stillbirth at full term a few years ago. Very traumatic for her, and I believe everyone should grieve as they see fit, but it has come to define her entire life and more importantly that of her living children.

Her baby has a kind of shrine and candles in the house which are lit every day. Every birthday, Christmas, Easter she has the boys draw their sister a picture or card. Every photo she takes of them, she has one of them hold up a photo of the baby so she can be in the photo with them. She talks to them relentlessly about her and films their discussions and posts them online. She has had clothing and jewellery and tattoos inscribed with her daughter’s name. On her daughter’s birthday, she has a cake commissioned and party and the boys have to attend and blow the candles out.

She posted a few weeks ago to say one of her sons has started having nightmares about his baby sister, and that he’s tearful and suddenly very affected by it. But regardless, the commemorations continue.

I feel bad just saying it, and as I said she’s entitled to grieve however she likes, but I think forcing her children to engage in constant reminders and commemorative events is now damaging their mental health. The problem is the Insta community sort of egg her on, saying how lovely it is that they haven’t forgotten their sister, and how healthy it is to encourage them to talk about her.

Of course, you can’t say anything, but I feel for her boys at this point and wish a close friend or family member would have a gentle word.

This is very worrying actually. I had a stillbirth 11 years ago so have some sense of the situation. She is damaging her DC quite severely I feel. I don’t know what else to say. I never posted on sm back then, I can’t imagine wanting to.

VoltaireMittyDream · 29/09/2025 16:22

Uggbootsforever · 29/09/2025 16:16

This is going to sound awful but I do wonder.

I follow a lady on Insta who lost a baby to stillbirth at full term a few years ago. Very traumatic for her, and I believe everyone should grieve as they see fit, but it has come to define her entire life and more importantly that of her living children.

Her baby has a kind of shrine and candles in the house which are lit every day. Every birthday, Christmas, Easter she has the boys draw their sister a picture or card. Every photo she takes of them, she has one of them hold up a photo of the baby so she can be in the photo with them. She talks to them relentlessly about her and films their discussions and posts them online. She has had clothing and jewellery and tattoos inscribed with her daughter’s name. On her daughter’s birthday, she has a cake commissioned and party and the boys have to attend and blow the candles out.

She posted a few weeks ago to say one of her sons has started having nightmares about his baby sister, and that he’s tearful and suddenly very affected by it. But regardless, the commemorations continue.

I feel bad just saying it, and as I said she’s entitled to grieve however she likes, but I think forcing her children to engage in constant reminders and commemorative events is now damaging their mental health. The problem is the Insta community sort of egg her on, saying how lovely it is that they haven’t forgotten their sister, and how healthy it is to encourage them to talk about her.

Of course, you can’t say anything, but I feel for her boys at this point and wish a close friend or family member would have a gentle word.

I think this is a tricky one - was she prolific on IG already before she lost her baby? My first child was stillborn, and I found there was a lot of pressure in baby loss groups to keep the memory alive - which I think can lead someone who's already a bit anxious / struggling with PPD as well as bereavement, to feel that she's a shit mum for not continuing, in some way, to try to parent a child who's no longer there.

I eventually bowed out of those spaces as it was hard to see how I'd be able to move on with my life. But I can see how if you already have a 'platform', you may be under extra pressure from baby loss organisations to raise awareness, etc.

I think social media and the monetisation of 'vulnerability' has a lot to answer for.

researchers3 · 29/09/2025 16:24

Onlyinthrees · 29/09/2025 12:08

People who go through trauma, particularly in childhood, develop coping skills that can be very difficult to change even though they are often self destructive. It changes the way you see the world and has a profound effect on how you form relationships.
It is a very complex thing to try to undo that type of damage. To simplify it into “they like being a victim” is ignorant and shows a real lack of empathy.
Mental illness like depression can change the way that a person thinks so that they are stuck in a negative thinking pattern and no amount of talking through their problems will help.
Most people don’t realise how common treatment resistance is common with depression and anxiety.
What’s to love about being a victim in this kind of scenario, do you think? What do you think is so appealing about it that people want to stay that way?

Agree with this. What an unpleasant thread.

FlyingUnicornWings · 29/09/2025 16:27

jonthebatiste · 29/09/2025 11:37

I don’t have personal experience of physical pain, if that’s what you’re talking about. But generally in life, yes absolutely so. Many people don’t want to heal and move on. They feel comfortable and find purpose in victimhood.

Maybe they don’t know how to heal?

Onlyinthrees · 29/09/2025 19:42

JabbaTheBeachHut · 29/09/2025 15:30

I think modern language has become quite self-centred too which doesn't help with victim mentality really.

"My truth"
"My journey"
"My lived experience"

All the therapy speak doesn't really lend itself to resilience and 'getting on with it', but for many it's crept into everyday talk.

That’s not therapy speak. Those are just things people say on social media.

Uggbootsforever · 29/09/2025 19:50

VoltaireMittyDream · 29/09/2025 16:22

I think this is a tricky one - was she prolific on IG already before she lost her baby? My first child was stillborn, and I found there was a lot of pressure in baby loss groups to keep the memory alive - which I think can lead someone who's already a bit anxious / struggling with PPD as well as bereavement, to feel that she's a shit mum for not continuing, in some way, to try to parent a child who's no longer there.

I eventually bowed out of those spaces as it was hard to see how I'd be able to move on with my life. But I can see how if you already have a 'platform', you may be under extra pressure from baby loss organisations to raise awareness, etc.

I think social media and the monetisation of 'vulnerability' has a lot to answer for.

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No, her page only became prominent as a ‘baby loss’ community’ page but over time she does some ads, mostly children’s clothing and some other bits and pieces.

I think you’re absolutely right, once you have that social media following you feel under pressure to keep it going and not to look like you’re withdrawing from the grieving and ‘moving on’ (even though she wouldn’t be IYSWIM). However living in a constant (and I mean constant - a post per day and multiple stories) cycle of remembering and commemorating seems to have locked her into such intense grief that she’s unable to escape from for even a few hours.

Not my business of course but I do worry about her sons. She did go on to have another baby and named him after his late sister (male/female version).

Shuntsarentscary · 29/09/2025 20:11

This is such a hard one, and something I’ve discussed exhaustively in therapy as I have often asked the question ‘do I want to get better’. My trauma did become my identity - what I went through was so life alteringly awful that it redefined the very fabric of my life - my belief system, my sense of safety, my sense of justice etc. There were also huge physical ramifications from the events (which even then were technically indirect as it was in my role as a parent, not patient). I felt so broken and battered that my pain was my way of saying to the world ‘back off, I am broken and I need you to be extra understanding and patient with me because I have been through so much shit’. I was given SO much grace and understanding and love by friends, family, colleagues, even strangers whom I trauma dumped on - and you know what, it DID feel ‘good’ to be given that extra degree of understanding and empathy when I was so vulnerable. I can see how addictive that would be. I am now ‘actively healing’ and function normally 90% of the time (I can still have my moments when evening comes flooding back) but there are times my DH and I ‘joke’ (very black/ gallows humour) about the special treatment we got when going through it, and wasn’t that nice. There are times now when life feels overwhelming/ tiring/ expectations of me at every high etc and I long to retreat back into my trauma as a way of making people back off and lower their expectations of me to what they were before (I never do). I think I am waffling and not answering this very well, but I guess I am saying that yes I agree with you to a degree, I can see how people get stuck in victimhood spirals, but it is something I would always have empathy and not judge for as it will most likely have been born in darkest despair and I can see how easily it could happen. God knows I’m still healing and have my moments and can retreat into being a victim of my trauma at times.

Kuretake · 29/09/2025 20:15

Shuntsarentscary · 29/09/2025 20:11

This is such a hard one, and something I’ve discussed exhaustively in therapy as I have often asked the question ‘do I want to get better’. My trauma did become my identity - what I went through was so life alteringly awful that it redefined the very fabric of my life - my belief system, my sense of safety, my sense of justice etc. There were also huge physical ramifications from the events (which even then were technically indirect as it was in my role as a parent, not patient). I felt so broken and battered that my pain was my way of saying to the world ‘back off, I am broken and I need you to be extra understanding and patient with me because I have been through so much shit’. I was given SO much grace and understanding and love by friends, family, colleagues, even strangers whom I trauma dumped on - and you know what, it DID feel ‘good’ to be given that extra degree of understanding and empathy when I was so vulnerable. I can see how addictive that would be. I am now ‘actively healing’ and function normally 90% of the time (I can still have my moments when evening comes flooding back) but there are times my DH and I ‘joke’ (very black/ gallows humour) about the special treatment we got when going through it, and wasn’t that nice. There are times now when life feels overwhelming/ tiring/ expectations of me at every high etc and I long to retreat back into my trauma as a way of making people back off and lower their expectations of me to what they were before (I never do). I think I am waffling and not answering this very well, but I guess I am saying that yes I agree with you to a degree, I can see how people get stuck in victimhood spirals, but it is something I would always have empathy and not judge for as it will most likely have been born in darkest despair and I can see how easily it could happen. God knows I’m still healing and have my moments and can retreat into being a victim of my trauma at times.

I don't think you're waffling at all I think this puts it beautifully and resonates very much with me. Wish you every success in continuing to heal.

Shuntsarentscary · 29/09/2025 20:20

Kuretake · 29/09/2025 20:15

I don't think you're waffling at all I think this puts it beautifully and resonates very much with me. Wish you every success in continuing to heal.

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Thank you, you too ❤️ this thread is proving quite a cathartic read!

and @Elfidela1980 - so eloquently put!

MistressoftheDarkSide · 29/09/2025 20:37

Interesting thread.

One thing I've noticed after trying to come back from multiple "traumas" that have really knocked me sideways over the last five years, is that some people who are genuine supporters can inadvertently and subconsciously almost resent your progress.

Personally, I've lost confidence in my self and my decision making abilities, and suffer severe existential anxiety that manifests in OCD type behaviour (yes, yes I'm getting professional help). On occasion when I've made decisions to change, I've been questioned about the validity of those decisions, and it kind of knocks me back, because I have few friends now, and those I do have genuinely mean well. However, one or two have given the vibe that they need me to "heal" according to their prescription.

I don't know if any if that makes sense.

I don't enjoy being in my head, I try very hard to move forward, and even though i can't actively create a new future for various reasons at the moment, it's what I'm aiming for.

I certainly don't enjoy my "victim of circumstance" persona, and am extremely embarrassed by it.

LivingWithMEisPants · 30/09/2025 02:36

ThatBlueTiger · 29/09/2025 11:35

They’re not faking their pain but they’ve built their whole identity around it. Healing would mean giving that up and not everyone wants to.

Am interested to know more about your thoughts on this. Do you mean physical pain, emotional trauma, etc? Any chance you could give a bit more context? It’s definitely a tricky subject - are you looking for validation for a scenario in your life or circle of people?

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 02:55

Swiftie1878 · 29/09/2025 11:47

Oh, life is much easier when you can just shrug off responsibility and claim victim status. I’d imagine it is quite an addictive and self-serving place for some to be, yes. Not all though.

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Yep. And the more a person focuses on themselves, their victimhood, the negativity in their life the stronger the neural pathways that take them straight there.

What we practice, we get better at, that includes self pity, negativity and victimhood.

It's amusing to me that the people on this thread who don't want to admit there very much are people like this seem to think those of us who know there very much ARE people who behave like this are somehow trauma free. If I was to write down all the trauma I had been through at a few points in my life - physical, mental, emotional, financial, social, you fucking name it - it would probably retraumatise people on this thread.

Dwelling on it would make my life far worse. Using it as a framework for how I view myself and the world would make my life far worse.

There is a huge difference between grieving, healing, getting support and becoming addicted to and comfortable with the victim status.

FlyingUnicornWings · 30/09/2025 10:16

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 02:55

Yep. And the more a person focuses on themselves, their victimhood, the negativity in their life the stronger the neural pathways that take them straight there.

What we practice, we get better at, that includes self pity, negativity and victimhood.

It's amusing to me that the people on this thread who don't want to admit there very much are people like this seem to think those of us who know there very much ARE people who behave like this are somehow trauma free. If I was to write down all the trauma I had been through at a few points in my life - physical, mental, emotional, financial, social, you fucking name it - it would probably retraumatise people on this thread.

Dwelling on it would make my life far worse. Using it as a framework for how I view myself and the world would make my life far worse.

There is a huge difference between grieving, healing, getting support and becoming addicted to and comfortable with the victim status.

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But some people might lack the awareness and tools to pull themselves into a healthier place. I don’t think that makes them bad?

DancefloorAcrobatics · 30/09/2025 11:02

Uggbootsforever · 29/09/2025 16:16

This is going to sound awful but I do wonder.

I follow a lady on Insta who lost a baby to stillbirth at full term a few years ago. Very traumatic for her, and I believe everyone should grieve as they see fit, but it has come to define her entire life and more importantly that of her living children.

Her baby has a kind of shrine and candles in the house which are lit every day. Every birthday, Christmas, Easter she has the boys draw their sister a picture or card. Every photo she takes of them, she has one of them hold up a photo of the baby so she can be in the photo with them. She talks to them relentlessly about her and films their discussions and posts them online. She has had clothing and jewellery and tattoos inscribed with her daughter’s name. On her daughter’s birthday, she has a cake commissioned and party and the boys have to attend and blow the candles out.

She posted a few weeks ago to say one of her sons has started having nightmares about his baby sister, and that he’s tearful and suddenly very affected by it. But regardless, the commemorations continue.

I feel bad just saying it, and as I said she’s entitled to grieve however she likes, but I think forcing her children to engage in constant reminders and commemorative events is now damaging their mental health. The problem is the Insta community sort of egg her on, saying how lovely it is that they haven’t forgotten their sister, and how healthy it is to encourage them to talk about her.

Of course, you can’t say anything, but I feel for her boys at this point and wish a close friend or family member would have a gentle word.

I grew up in a household similar to the one you describe.... I call it the dead people cult home.
As you can see from my language, I have put a lot of distance, both physically & mentally, between myself and that part of the family.

I feel sorry & angry for her living DC, they have a very long journey ahead of them in terms of embracing life and healing.

VoltaireMittyDream · 30/09/2025 21:15

FlyingUnicornWings · 30/09/2025 10:16

But some people might lack the awareness and tools to pull themselves into a healthier place. I don’t think that makes them bad?

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I don’t see that anyone’s saying people are bad for not having the tools or self-awareness to change their worldview or relational style.

But actively dwelling on victimhood and trauma does undoubtedly make a person self-centred and difficult to be around, whether or not they can help it.

Their needs often far exceed the time and energy people have available, and attempts to assert boundaries are experienced as betrayal or abandonment.

Often, the more patience and understanding you offer someone for whom victim mentality is a chronic, temperamental inclination (rather than a result of situation and circumstance), the more aware they become that none of it is enough.

And being one of the last stalwart friends still sticking by them through thick and thin generally means you’ll just get the brunt of all their bitterness, resentment and contempt, and none of the good stuff that you initially enjoyed about their company.

There is seldom a recognition of the enormous amounts of care and support people pour into them - just endless rumination about how none of it is enough, none of it works, life is still shit, everyone else has it easier.

It’s not a happy situation for anyone.

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 23:06

FlyingUnicornWings · 30/09/2025 10:16

But some people might lack the awareness and tools to pull themselves into a healthier place. I don’t think that makes them bad?

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I don't think I said that made them bad. Makes them unbearable to be around though.

IAmKerplunk · 30/09/2025 23:19

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 23:06

I don't think I said that made them bad. Makes them unbearable to be around though.

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I don’t think I am unbearable to be around. My friends dont seem to think so either. I don’t go round telling everyone my trauma but it is in my head constantly and that’s what I want help with. I don’t want to be a victim in my head. People say ‘well just don’t be a victim’ isn’t helpful - it’s like telling myself to be left handed when I have always been right handed. And people/posters saying well I have gone through x/y/z and I manage to not be a victim just make me feel even more of a failure.

Is victim mentality innate or learned? I seem to have the victim mentality that I can’t shake but my dc don’t (and they have reason to) so I would like to credit for how resilient they have turned out because I was so adamant they didn’t end up feeling like I do but then my brain tells me again how shit I must be that nobody did the same for me so I start thinking like a victim again. And with feeling like a victim comes bitterness and that is what I despise about myself- nobody knows my thoughts on this but I know. If I speak then out loud I will be told I am unbearable and horrible but no actual help to resolve them so they stay in my head which is unhealthy for me. I have got to the point where I have now realised I wasted my life grieving, regretting, looking backwards and now I have woken up at nearly 59 and I can’t get any of it back and so the cycle continues.
You’re right - I probably am unbearable to be around.

Duckduckagogo · 30/09/2025 23:38

IAmKerplunk · 30/09/2025 23:19

I don’t think I am unbearable to be around. My friends dont seem to think so either. I don’t go round telling everyone my trauma but it is in my head constantly and that’s what I want help with. I don’t want to be a victim in my head. People say ‘well just don’t be a victim’ isn’t helpful - it’s like telling myself to be left handed when I have always been right handed. And people/posters saying well I have gone through x/y/z and I manage to not be a victim just make me feel even more of a failure.

Is victim mentality innate or learned? I seem to have the victim mentality that I can’t shake but my dc don’t (and they have reason to) so I would like to credit for how resilient they have turned out because I was so adamant they didn’t end up feeling like I do but then my brain tells me again how shit I must be that nobody did the same for me so I start thinking like a victim again. And with feeling like a victim comes bitterness and that is what I despise about myself- nobody knows my thoughts on this but I know. If I speak then out loud I will be told I am unbearable and horrible but no actual help to resolve them so they stay in my head which is unhealthy for me. I have got to the point where I have now realised I wasted my life grieving, regretting, looking backwards and now I have woken up at nearly 59 and I can’t get any of it back and so the cycle continues.
You’re right - I probably am unbearable to be around.

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I should have said "It CAN make them unbearable to be around". It was too sweeping a remark.

I think that all of our character traits are in us - the nature argument. Twin studies seem to back that up. But those traits can definitely be strengthened or lessened by nurture.

Did you ever hear the case of the triplets separated at birth? In a cruel experiment, three baby boys were split up and put into different types of homes, with different types of parenting behaviours (and I think one of them was also a poorer family, but it's been a while since I watched the video). The scientist involved deliberately chose people who had already adopted kids so he had a baseline for their parenting. These baby boys were never told they had brothers.

As they grew up, one of the young men started college and was greeted on campus by people who thought he was someone else. They quickly got in touch and realised they were absolutely identical. Their story was on the news and that's when the third triplet discovered them.

At first, of course, they were delighted to meet up. Later, problems grew. One of these poor young men killed himself. The other two, though they all had similar personalities and were all struggling, were resilient enough not to do the same.

The original documentary was called Three Identical Strangers, it's probably available on YouTube and there are certainly videos discussing it on YouTube.

Anyway, I only bring it up to say that although we have character traits which are literally bred into us, environment can play a big part in how we develop those traits.

To be clear - none of what happened to you was your fault. You are not to blame for any mistreatment you experienced. Children in particular cannot ever be blamed for anything bad done to them. No matter how difficult a child is (and yes some can be) they never, ever deserve to be abused. Adults always have a choice not to hurt chldren.

Well done on raising resilient, healthy children. It's not easy, is it, when you have your own struggles?

I had therapy. I also always had a "Fuck you" attitude. I rarely blamed myself for the bad things that happened to me - I put the blame solely on the perpetrator - well at least as I got older, perhaps not so much as a small child. That is just my character, and I thank God for that. I am an imperfect person with a temper, but I am also far better than a lot of the humans around. I am just me, and that has to be ok, because it's all I can manage.

If you have not seen a therapist, you need to do this. For you. To have someone who will listen without fear of the implications of telling them, and to spare others the pain and the burden of trying to help you when they are not trained to do so, do not have the skills, knowledge and perhaps do not want that burden.

You could live another 30 years, none of us can change what has happened, but we can make today, right now, a better place to exist in.

IAmKerplunk · 30/09/2025 23:50

Yes - I have seen that documentary. Thought it was very interesting whilst obviously being a horrible thing they all went through.
Finding a good therapist isn’t easy - believe me I have tried with my limited ££. I keep reading, I keep giving myself a talking to, I try to stop the thoughts before they take hold but that in itself is exhausting. I just wish people wouldn’t keep saying ‘well stop thinking like that’ because believe me if I could then I truly truly would.
i have raised my dc so that they would be fine without me- they know the how to be adults and yet I am jealous and bitter that they are out there being amazing, sensible and making good choices and decisions and I wish I had a second chance. So then I cry and go into victim mode again in my head 🤷🏽‍♀️
Maybe for some people it is a choice to be a victim but in my head it is a constant battle because the thoughts are so ingrained and the older I get the more I regret and hate myself for the bitterness I feel.