Why do I feel like this around my parents? Is this how everyone feels?

[Utsde]

I’m 38 now and a parent to a 4 year old.

I do enjoy seeing my parents and they can be good fun, kind and supportive.

But there’s always this undercurrent of stress and anxiety, especially if I am in their home rather than a neutral place like a cafe etc. I feel on edge and think I almost revert to child like behaviours a bit, I feel irritable and on edge and often when I leave I feel exhausted and my head is all over the place.

Is this normal? Now I’ve written it out I expect it’s not normal but I wish I could understand how it should feel to be around family. I don’t feel this way around my siblings.

It’s probably not normal. But I feel similarly. Any family event is stressful for me for no real reason. I’m exhausted afterwards and relieved it’s over

I feel the same. Everything seems very fraught

@C0NFUSEDIAM i am sorry you feel the same, it’s hard isn’t it x

@pinkduckk yes fraught is the word I would use!

No I don’t think this is normal at all. I feel more relaxed and at home at my parents house than I do at my own! Possibly because at home I feel like I could always find housework/washing etc to do but at my parents I can relax. I am completely myself around my parents because I know they love me unconditionally. My in laws however are a different story and I do recognise what you describe in myself when it comes to them.

I wonder if it’s because they have certain expectations and it’s very clear. You want to please them and want them to approve your choices.
And they are only good fun and supportive when it suits them, not “no matter what”.

I felt the same before I went NC with them. My family was extremely dysfunctional the undercurrent came from that.

I find my mum stressful and I totally recognise that feeling of reverting to a child. I think it's very common. I do envy people who have a different relationship with their mothers (I had a very lovely relationship with my Dad).

I think people subconsciously take cues from each other so they may be anxious because you are anxious. They are also probably not used to little children any more!

I don't know what to suggest other than the old advice that only you control how you yourself feel so if you can chose to take them for what they are and accept your relationship is like it is it and probably won't change it might relieve the mental burden on you of expectation.

I felt the same where my mum was concerned, I think I was still frightened of her.

Now she is dead I get on well with my father.

I think we all revert a little bit in to our childhood.

I feel like that around my dad yes. It's because he was controlling and critical when I was growing up and those lessons don't really fade away even when we are menopausal women 🙄 it's not 'normal' if you have a decent parent/parents.

Feel exactly the same as you OP. I love my mum deeply but our relationship is quite complex. I feel like I am in host mode a bit when she visits, I just want to be sure she is comfortable and happy but she is quite a pessimist and I find it a bit draining. I've not actually been to hers for years because she prefers to travel to me. She has a lovely little flat but I never lived there as a child so if I did go over I would feel a little awkward!

I'm sure loads of people are going to come and say oh that's not normal, how sad etc but try not to let it get you down. Its not their normal but it is our normal ❤️

I feel this way around my mother, and there’s psychological warfare in my own head for days after spending a few days with her. It is due to her behaviours now and when I was younger. From the outside anyone would think she is a perfectly loving mother but in reality she is overly critical and emotionally immature bordering on histrionic at times. You’re not alone!

I used to feel similarly to this. I wonder if everyone feels this way, or just those whose parents were the sort to be disappointed and had high (unmet) expectations?

It’s normal for me! But obviously not ideal.

For me, I revert back to being a teen. I don’t want them to criticise my adult life because I am really happy with it and pleased with what I’ve made. But it’s less bad if they criticise my teenage personality because it is used to it, and in a way, it wouldn’t be my teenage personality if it wasn’t being criticised.

I don’t tell them much about my life other than the surface, and if they enquire (which they do a lot) I get snappy and brush off and questions with 1 word answers. I hate that and it makes me look really bad, but it’s because I’m on high alert for being criticised. My mum is a pry-er and so this cycle happens a lot because she won’t fucking stop asking questions! I’m sure it comes from a good place but the nosiness just comes across as loaded.

Exactly the same for me too. My parents are hyper critical of everyone and everything so time in their company is fraught at best. I thought it was normal until I met my DP and saw the relaxed and easy relationship between him and his Mum. They chat like old friends and he drops in to see her because he enjoys her company and actively wants to share time with her. Utterly alien to me.

Unsurprisingly she has welcomed me with open arms, whereas my parents are very sneer and stand off ish with him. It’s all related behaviour.

Funny you should say that - my parents used to endlessly criticise and complain about my teenage personality to me and then to my DH when I was in my 20s and 30s. They’ve only just stopped and I’m in my early 40s, perhaps in part because my DH joked “I blame the parents” the last time they did it.

My parents aren’t bad people, but I found it horribly hurtful because I was having a lot of (ignored) bad mental health problems as a teen.

They don’t criticise my life now, but I definitely feel like my house should be clean and perfect whenever they’re round and I avoid the topic of my youth like the plague!

I am definitely on edge around my parents, having to perform and make sure everything is “right”. Their health makes both of them unpredictable, and liable to stress. I have three children who behave well but aren’t used to sitting still and quiet in small spaces for a long time (which is the expectation)

Your husband is an absolute gem 🤩

Oh god, I could have written this

Oh my god I’ve found my people, yes to everything!

You’ve just completely described the way I feel after seeing my mother here and why in a far more succinct way than I could.

Parents are just people. Sometimes we like them, but sometimes we don't. If we don't like them, we can resent having to spend time with them and all the tensions described can surface. Which us why, in my view, it's better to be honest about how we feel, put so-called "obligation" to one side, and make a decision that we don't have to see our parents so often (or at all). Life's too short to waste with people we don't like, or who don't like us.

I blame society and its associated pressures. Families and mothers and fathers are viewed through such rose tinted glasses that it's difficult for us with dysfunctional families to even admit it to ourselves that we hate spending time with them. The guilt is extremely strong and often we gaslight ourselves and think it's either us who is the problem, or that it's not that bad.

I frequently can't stand being around my mother. She makes me very anxious and brings out the worst in me. There's a whole complex back story

You're not alone OP but it's not normal

I think many/most people regressive to being like a teenager again when with their families. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes not