Struggling with MIL belief

[CosyStork]

I really like my MIL but I’m starting to struggle with some of her beliefs. She believes paracetamol causes autism and says there is medical evidence. She is a strong supporter and member of Reform. She is very suspicious towards anyone of a different race to herself. This is all quite recent (last few months)

I am not a very politically minded person, I’ll be honest. I understand people are able to have and express their own views and opinions. I just find myself increasingly concerned and annoyed by her views. For the record - I don’t believe paracetamol causes autism, I don’t support Reform and although I am against illegal immigration, I am not against all immigration and certainly don’t believe anyone with a different race to myself is ‘bad’. I have relatives and friends from different backgrounds and ethnicities and the thought she could look negatively on them just because of the melanin in their skin or where they were born is crazy to me.

I don’t want this to get turned into a political debate I purely want advice on how to cope with someone close with different opinions that alarm you. Tbh as an adult I could probably ignore it but we have children who I don’t really want her opinion being pushed on.

I would say exactly that to her: that you respect her right to hold whatever beliefs she wants and that it’s irrelevant to the discussion whether you agree with them or not - but that you don’t want your children being exposed to those views as you think it could harm their relationships with other people in their lives. So, can she please keep her views to herself when around your DC. If she can’t do that, she won’t be allowed around your DC.

Ignore it.

Tell your kids to ignore it.

If she pushes it on your kids, tell her to stop.

Not much else you can do really if you want to stay in contact with her.

You want advice on how to manage your relationship with an ignorant racist?

its harder I think because this is all new, before now she has been nothing but a great mum and grandmother. Intelligent and quite open minded or so I thought!!

If she has expressed these beliefs years ago when we met I imagine we would not be in contact now as the moral dilemma after just a few months is awful.

My OH agrees with me her beliefs are wrong but probably feels less strongly than I do. I guess he’s torn because it’s his mum and although he disagrees he has that love and bond to her which I won’t have as much.

Everyone has their own beliefs, we don’t all have to agree.
Your beliefs arent less valid than hers, you are both equal.
Just respect differences as you do similarities and you’ll be fine.

Paracetamol doesnt cause autism to my knowledge. Its a painkiller, effective for the mind though. Its great for toothache. But i suppose you may need to ask her to nicely stop bringing it up, or try to avoid the topic.

She's entirely and fully entitled to her beliefs. Is she actually pushing them on you, or are you the one bringing up contentious points?

Three options - If it's just casual chit chat, change the subject. If she's lecturing you suggest you can agree to disagree and move on to another topic.

Third choice - If she's lecturing you, won't stop, and you find yourself intolerant of her views to the point where you cannot listen to them, you are entitled to draw up whatever boundaries you choose.

I disagree, let's change the subject.

If it’s all new I’d be suggesting the doctor for a mental health and dementia assessment tbh.

I'd be using it a teaching moment for the kids. I'd discuss her views with them. they're going to encounter people with those views so may as well be now while you're around to provide a counter narrative

I very strongly disagree with PP who have said she's entitled to her beliefs. These aren't religious beliefs we're talking about. This is racism and harmful lies.

My first response would be to say to her that I'm worried about her. Does she need to see the GP to have a chat about dementia? How's her mental health? What has led to her becoming so vulnerable to radicalisation so quickly?

Then if she refuses help, I'd say that she must keep her nonsense harmful views away from me and my children.

And every occasion where she spews racism or something factually incorrect in front of myself or my children I would be immediately loudly appalled and critical of her. I would tell her off like a strict school teacher tells off a child for swearing.

Long term, If she's unable to censor her own bigotry in our presence, then we wouldn't see her until she could

Btw reform arent against all
immigrants

they are against all illegal ( rightly)
agree with measures and controlled immigration ( rightly)
agree that all migrants shouldn’t be able to claim any benefits or public services for a minimum period of years ( rightly and us the case in a lot of countries)rightly

HTH

typical left wing nonsense jumping on bandwagon calling all reform racist.

Ha ha at radicalisation just because she has different viewpoints !

Let's put the Reform stuff to one side, that's a red herring.

The mother in law "is very suspicious towards anyone of a different race to herself"

Are we now saying that thinking someone with brown or black skin is 'bad' is a valid viewpoint? Pretty sure that's still racist. Plain, simple, horrific bigotry

If a person wasn't racist a few months ago and now is, then yes they've been radicalised.

I don’t want this to get turned into a political debate

And yet you stress that she is a Reform supporter and present a Guardian cartoon stereotype of a Reform supporter. Why?

Belief in conspiracy theories in general and nonsense like the paracetamol/autism claim has pretty much zero correlation with political party adherence and far more to do with peoples’ inability to read data and grasp facts and statistics for themselves. It's extremely dangerous to assume it correlates to one economic ideology.

You can either say “I see it differently” and change the subject or you can quietly question - a strategy I’ve found far more productive where there is strong disagreement. I’ve never changed anyone’s view by telling them they are stupid or shouting at them. The old “hearts and minds” strategy is the one which works long term, its just not as exciting as authoritarian virtue signalling.

the autism and paracetamol is quite simple.
Autism was first recognised as a condition about 20 year s before paracetamol became commercially available.

I would call her out on it.
I have found that if I say to people (politely but clearly) - actually I find that view offensive, they are somewhat taken aback, and then they start to try and justity it and tie themselves in knots. We seem to be taught not to challenge and so they have rarely had to justify or examine their views.

So reform believe that anyone with ILR should lose that status, and yet those people are working and paying tax here in the UK, so why would we want to lose them? Are you suggetsing that my dh should be kicked out of the country? (he has a ILR) Suddenly presented with a real person who would be effected makes the theory less attractive.

How do you respect racism?

I agree with this but would add it can apply equally to ourselves. Its no good complaining that others are stupid and guilty of wrong think if we are not prepared to discuss and test our own opinions.

Therein lies the purity spirals which aggravate fractures in society rather than bridge them.

I second (or third) that a dementia assessment might be a good idea. My mum, who had friends of all races, sexualities and demographics, became wildly racist when the dementia started kicking in.

We do all have to agree that racism is wrong. Honestly I shouldn’t even have to make this post because it’s blindingly obvious that racism is wrong. And don’t tell me that Reform aren’t racist because they are so many examples they would overflow this thread.

My hitherto reasonably sensible mother has decided Trump is a good person since she became unwell 🤯

It's an awful disease and this is just one way in which it is so dreadful!

I came here to say this.

As it's new behaviour and out of character, this really needs an assessment. Don't shut her out too soon in case she's actually quite unwell and needs support, if it is dementia/other you may well need to focus on her old beliefs in order to continue supporting her as this wouldn't be her fault.

If that's all been ruled out and she's just been captured by the far right. Tell her exactly what you think.

How old are your children?

Ask her what other policies of Reform she agrees with. I'd lay money on it that she can't name any apart from immigration!

She sounds like a 'headline reader' to me, never looking at different viewpoints or articles but still drawing her own conclusions (and I bet she reads the Daily Mail). There is no evidence to say paracetamol causes Autism! Trump told the US that's the cause because his Health Dept. vowed to find the cause within 5-6 months (never mind that doctors have been investigating it for years and haven't come to any conclusions). They found one study that showed there 'might' be a link but didn't look at any causal relationships or take into account any other studies. It's about making the data say what you want it to say.

The FDA stated "To be clear, while an association between acetaminophen (paracetamol) and autism has been described in many studies, a causal relationship has not been established and there are contrary studies in the scientific literature".

If I were you, I would inform myself of the facts and challenge her views (in a nice way) every time. If you brush it under the carpet, she will think she's right and will never know any different. Ask questions such as "So does someone's skin colour reflect who they are as a person? How do you evidence that out of interest?"

Good luck!