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AIBU?

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Original poster

My cousin’s daughter didn’t invite me to her wedding and I feel deeply hurt

36 replies

Amiterriblex3 · 28/09/2025 11:46

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/sep/28/my-cousins-daughter-didnt-invite-me-to-her-wedding-and-i-feel-deeply-hurt

My cousin is older than me and I have always enjoyed a close relationship with her children, despite not living nearby. Her daughter was my bridesmaid, and after we emigrated when she was a teenager I became a distant mentor – cheering on her ambitions and inviting her to spend a post-uni gap year using our home as a base. She has a great independent streak and quickly found her feet, and became close with my own children, some of whom now live near her in the UK. We all get together regularly when I visit each summer. She’s always had access to our holiday cottage, and we let her stay rent-free in our daughter’s university flat while she was saving for a mortgage.

I was delighted when she got engaged, but heard nothing for months apart from a note from her mum to say they were looking forward to the wedding. It later transpired that she had decided to have an intimate affair. I was sad, of course, but as they didn’t have a big budget I understood, and watched the date come and go.
I thought I was OK about it, but then she sent me photos showing all the trimmings of a “proper” wedding, with a gushing account of her wonderful day with “family and close friends”. I felt absolutely bereft.
I have been trying to rationalise my emotional response. I feel foolish for investing time, effort and goodwill in someone who doesn’t “appreciate” it enough to include me in their life’s key moments. I don’t feel as if I was ever transactional in being there for her, and she has voiced her appreciation, but something about it has deeply hurt and upset me.

This struck a cord with me for some reason. I would be furious if they hadn't invited me... and it's an excellent example of how people are willing to take, take, take and reciprocate nothing in return.

My cousin’s daughter didn’t invite me to her wedding and I feel deeply hurt | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

You have done a lot for her over the years and understandably feel rejected, but this could be the start of a more adult relationship with her

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/sep/28/my-cousins-daughter-didnt-invite-me-to-her-wedding-and-i-feel-deeply-hurt

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 28/09/2025 12:57

Based on the headline I was ready to say up to the bride, having read it I don’t think they’d be using the holiday cottage again if it was mine.

PinkPanther57 · 28/09/2025 13:01

If me I’d call the family out on it in a non confrontational way. I imagine it’s not personal & they have a history of similar.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/09/2025 13:07

Yanbu. This is someone who is close enough to you to have lived with you, and reveive cree holiday and uni accommodation from you, which you gave because of the relationship so of course its hurtful that you weren't invited. I'd be pulling back on the favours

ToadRage · 28/09/2025 13:11

I understand you being hurt after all you have done and offered for this girl. Have you spoken to her or you cousin about how this made you feel? It's many years before my cousin's daughter will marry (she is 8), she was my flower girl, we are close and I would definitely be hurt if they didn't invite me. If you live abroad she may have thought its too far or too expensive (I'm not saying you would but I have heard of people expecting the bride and groom to pay for their flights, hotel etc.). While I think it would be fair to withdraw all the nice things you do for her don't go down the route of 'well you didn't invite us to your wedding' if she asks for something and I really hope you didn't fork out to send her a gift. There is little you can do after the event and they may be completely oblivious to the relationship you think you have with her.

PinkPanther57 · 28/09/2025 13:17

ToadRage · 28/09/2025 13:11

I understand you being hurt after all you have done and offered for this girl. Have you spoken to her or you cousin about how this made you feel? It's many years before my cousin's daughter will marry (she is 8), she was my flower girl, we are close and I would definitely be hurt if they didn't invite me. If you live abroad she may have thought its too far or too expensive (I'm not saying you would but I have heard of people expecting the bride and groom to pay for their flights, hotel etc.). While I think it would be fair to withdraw all the nice things you do for her don't go down the route of 'well you didn't invite us to your wedding' if she asks for something and I really hope you didn't fork out to send her a gift. There is little you can do after the event and they may be completely oblivious to the relationship you think you have with her.

Edited

The OP isn’t person in article I think? Good advice but personally I would send a gift, go high when they go low.

Lougle · 28/09/2025 13:18

I was another one who was going to say YABU until I read that you let her use your holiday home and that she used your daughter's university flat rent free. She should have invited you.

TheNightingalesStarling · 28/09/2025 13:22

On the face of it the bride and groom seem rude and unappreciative.

However I wonder if it was a case of having to draw a line somewhere and not wanting to feel obliged to invite all their parents cousins?

PinkPanther57 · 28/09/2025 13:22

Lougle · 28/09/2025 13:18

I was another one who was going to say YABU until I read that you let her use your holiday home and that she used your daughter's university flat rent free. She should have invited you.

This isn’t OP though (?) Just resonated with her re: what people are like (?)

cariadlet · 28/09/2025 13:30

A cousin's daughter isn't a close relative.

The writer chose to help the girl out. Presumably, she thanked the writer at the time and showed that she appreciated what the writer chose to do.

It's never a good idea to give in order to receive and if the writer expected to be invited to the wedding in payment for what she had done then she turned it into a transactional relationship.

The writer clearly views the relationship differently from her younger relative who is perfectly entitled to just invite close family and friends if that's what she wanted.

The bride sent pictures so isn't cutting off the writer now that she's got what she can from her. The writer needs to realise that they aren't as close as she assumed they were.

PinkPanther57 · 28/09/2025 13:34

TheNightingalesStarling · 28/09/2025 13:22

On the face of it the bride and groom seem rude and unappreciative.

However I wonder if it was a case of having to draw a line somewhere and not wanting to feel obliged to invite all their parents cousins?

People should surely communicate better & have better manners in these cases. Possibly you are spot on & It may very well be the case. I’d organise a lunch & explain my reasonable reasons for not inviting if so.

pancakestastelikecrepe · 28/09/2025 13:36

I have given up on 'reciprocation'. Not the same, but adjacent, I have a holiday home in Tuscany, Italy. Over the years, I've invited (whilst there) lots of friends to come over and enjoy it, and also to borrow it (without me hosting). One friend and her daughter, have visited several times (the daughter also having been allowed to visit with her friends). They did not include me in a recent 'get together' at their family (UK based) beach hut. Initially I thought perhaps they didn't think it's comparable as a 'return' gesture, but then came to conclusion it would be nice to be asked, regardless?
The older I get, the more I am realising that some people are just very comfortable being CFs and have 'see, want, have' mentality'?

CatMum27 · 28/09/2025 13:38

Similar happened to me. My cousin got married and we were given few details of the day other than that due to space we would have evening invites only. Fair enough.

When we turned up it became apparent that this wasn’t really true as we made our way across the massive ballroom full to the brim with the bride’s family and assorted friends. We then had to wait in the corner with the rest of the groom’s side while everyone finished their dinner as they were running late. Turns out that none of the groom’s family had been invited to the day, just a couple of hours in the evening, Again, their wedding their choice but I can’t deny it hurt.

My dad was in very poor health at the time and evenings out were very hard (so for this reason a day invite would have been easier for him) but he made the effort for his nephew. He died not long after and while obviously no one knew this would happen it’s a bit of a crappy last family event memory.

Honesty in these things is always the best policy. If they had just said look, it’s the bride’s day and she wants her people there then it would have stung but would have been less embarrassing than walking across that ballroom!

isitmyturn · 28/09/2025 13:42

The writer needs to realise that they aren't as close as she assumed they were.

This is a painful lesson to learn. I've had similar with my closest friend. Only it turns out I was much lower down the pecking order in her eyes. It shatters your confidence.

Lougle · 28/09/2025 13:44

PinkPanther57 · 28/09/2025 13:22

This isn’t OP though (?) Just resonated with her re: what people are like (?)

Show quote history

Oh! I misunderstood. I thought the OP was giving us her story and saying that article resonated.

pancakestastelikecrepe · 28/09/2025 13:46

CatMum27 · 28/09/2025 13:38

Similar happened to me. My cousin got married and we were given few details of the day other than that due to space we would have evening invites only. Fair enough.

When we turned up it became apparent that this wasn’t really true as we made our way across the massive ballroom full to the brim with the bride’s family and assorted friends. We then had to wait in the corner with the rest of the groom’s side while everyone finished their dinner as they were running late. Turns out that none of the groom’s family had been invited to the day, just a couple of hours in the evening, Again, their wedding their choice but I can’t deny it hurt.

My dad was in very poor health at the time and evenings out were very hard (so for this reason a day invite would have been easier for him) but he made the effort for his nephew. He died not long after and while obviously no one knew this would happen it’s a bit of a crappy last family event memory.

Honesty in these things is always the best policy. If they had just said look, it’s the bride’s day and she wants her people there then it would have stung but would have been less embarrassing than walking across that ballroom!

That's really rubbish, and I also agree with your point about being 'honest'.

CagneyNYPD1 · 28/09/2025 13:49

The child of a cousin in most cases wouldn’t be described as close family. But in the scenario described, the relationship sounds very close…more like a close aunt/niece relationship. Or an invested Godmother.

I think it would be perfectly fair for the author to reevaluate the relationship. It’s clearly not so important to the younger family member. So match them on their level.

@CatMum27my male cousin did a similar thing at his wedding. It was completely dominated by the bride’s side and very expensive. But it was all about her day and not the marriage…it was finished within 2 years. He’s now on marriage number 3.

MrsDoubtfire1 · 28/09/2025 13:57

At the end of the day the girl is your second cousin. What is the age gap? Perhaps they were keeping it to immediate family and when you look at both families, if there are brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, then that already mounts up.

Sunholidays · 28/09/2025 13:58

I share your feelings too OP. Too often we read in Mumsnet 'your wedding your rules' when leaving close family out of weddings but at the end of the day you are making choices that may affect people that feel close to you. The relationship may change forever.

Butchyrestingface · 28/09/2025 13:59

I'd pull back on the all favours. The Guardian's OP saw this woman as family but the feeling isn't reciprocated so no need for all the family goodies.

If someone had been so generous to me, I like to think I'd definitely have invited them.

MNJudge · 28/09/2025 14:03

This is really sad and I'd be very hurt too.

It really is hard to get over when you learn you are not as close to someone as you thought you were. You can only match your actions to this new knowledge going forward, but it does take the emotions a while to catch up.

weaselyeyes · 28/09/2025 14:04

I think it can be easy for children and young people to take for granted the support they receive. I don’t necessarily mean in an entitled/spoilt way, but just that that’s what surrounds them and they don’t realise it’s unusual. A bit like not realising how hard aspects of parenting are until you have kids yourself and look back differently on everything. She may not have realised how exceptional it is to have this kind of support from someone like her parent’s cousin. That’s not to excuse the thoughtlessness, but just that it may be a more common kind of lack of generational empathy rather than an overt disregard for closeness and kindness. I’d hope one day she might thank the writer as an adult for her earlier care.

Costcogroupie · 28/09/2025 14:05

cariadlet · 28/09/2025 13:30

A cousin's daughter isn't a close relative.

The writer chose to help the girl out. Presumably, she thanked the writer at the time and showed that she appreciated what the writer chose to do.

It's never a good idea to give in order to receive and if the writer expected to be invited to the wedding in payment for what she had done then she turned it into a transactional relationship.

The writer clearly views the relationship differently from her younger relative who is perfectly entitled to just invite close family and friends if that's what she wanted.

The bride sent pictures so isn't cutting off the writer now that she's got what she can from her. The writer needs to realise that they aren't as close as she assumed they were.

But they were close, whatever the official relationship was.

nomoreforks · 28/09/2025 14:05

We have a similar situation (although not exactly the same) in our family. Family members who you thought you were close to not inviting you to events when you had always made a big effort to see them and help them when you could. I am quite surprised at how much it does hurt especially when you had a close realtionship for years but ultimately I think you have to accept and move on. Send them love and good wishes and spend your time with those who appreciate you. I wonder when younger family members grow up the whole family relationships change anyway. Don't take it personally and accept the new dynamic with grace rather than bitterness (and the holiday cottage would be unfortunately be booked up on next booking request).

TotallyUnapologeticOmnivore · 28/09/2025 14:11

Most of us have experienced the shock of discovering we are not as important to another person as that person is to us. It's just life, not something to complain about. And the groom presumably had as much input into the guest list as the bride, and may never even have met the complainer.

Greggsit · 28/09/2025 14:14

Costcogroupie · 28/09/2025 14:05

But they were close, whatever the official relationship was.

Show quote history

The OP thought that they were close, that doesn't mean that they were. Even the article says that the cousin's daughter hung out with the op's kids rather than with her. Which seems obvious to me. She was close with the relations that are her own age, not with their parents.