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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Met ex when I was 22 and he was 38, groomed?

48 replies

victoriaspongees · 27/09/2025 17:28

I met my ex when I was 22 and he was 38.

From the start he told me he was only 10 years older then me and it was only after Googling his and coming across his Companies House profile that I discovered his true age (he even tried to deny it wasn’t him and it was all lies).

His parents were also aware that he was lying about his age.

We broke up as I felt as if I had been forced into a relationship with him and because I felt as if I was just living my life to keep him happy.
He was also obsessed with me wearing hot pants on nights out which made me feel like a piece of meat.

Tried to insist on unprotected sex to get me pregnant.

He isn’t even my type at all.

He would constantly call, text and send me gifts etc.

I only ever saw him as a friend and was never sexually attracted to him at all (he knew this) so I basically kept the relationship going because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and he did so much to help me.

We are still friends 2 years after I broke up with him.

I can’t help but feel like he manipulated me into a relationship with him, my friend believes he groomed me and that I should cut all contact.

He tried to change me as a person and his parents were always interfering as well (tried to rope me into doing their chores for them).

Is this grooming? Should I cut contact?

OP posts:

Nowthereistwo · 27/09/2025 17:30

Just cut all contact

Mum2twoandacockapoo · 27/09/2025 17:30

Well at the least he doesn’t sound like a nice man . Whether groomed is the right word I don’t know but you’re better off out of the relationship regardless .

SimoneHere · 27/09/2025 17:32

I don’t feel “groomed”is the right description, but he sounds like a lying manipulative piece of crap and you are far better off without him.

Pollqueen · 27/09/2025 17:32

I wouldn't say groomed, as you were 22. Susceptible maybe

FaceBothered · 27/09/2025 17:33

Well he's certainly a Billy Bullshitter but I wouldn't call it grooming.

Just bin all contact with him.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 27/09/2025 17:33

Sounds like you were using him.

Linenpickle · 27/09/2025 17:33

You were 22. An adult. He’s a liar. Why on earth are you friends with him?

InterestPiqued · 27/09/2025 17:35

That really isn’t the definition of grooming.

Just cut ties and move on.

DareMe · 27/09/2025 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MeganM3 · 27/09/2025 17:36

Not sure. At 22 you were an adult who had the ability to make rational choices and investigate what you were unsure of. He might have been emotionally manipulative. You could end contact and should, if you feel he is a negative influence on your life.

DareMe · 27/09/2025 17:36

He sounds like an arsehole and yes you should definitely cut contact, but no it doesn’t sound like grooming.

intrepidpanda · 27/09/2025 17:36

Not grooming unless you are special needs.
Young and foolish perhaps (we've all been there)
But I do agree with cut contact snd more on.

Comedycook · 27/09/2025 17:37

Are you vulnerable in some way op? You were and are an adult...he sounds awful and he's a liar too. Why don't you cut all contact?

Kindlealltheway · 27/09/2025 17:39

It doesn’t really matter whether you call it grooming or manipulation. But he obviously found a way to needle at you until you acted in ways you didn’t truly want. If he’s still trying to persuade you to do things you don’t really want to do then yes I would cut contact.
The lesson for you here is that you never owe someone a romantic or sexual relationship, no matter what they do for you. If you’re not into someone, hold that boundary and don’t date them or sleep with them.

Woompund · 27/09/2025 17:40

Adults can also be groomed. Domestic abusers groom their victims. They often groom their friends and family too, as do child sexual abusers. He lied and manipulated you into a relationship you didn't want, and he was much older than you. I don't think grooming is the wrong word at all.

TheWorminLabyrinth · 27/09/2025 17:41

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 27/09/2025 17:33

Sounds like you were using him.

Are you reading a different thread, or just one of those people who find it 'amusing' to be contrary?

Don't get bogged down in the definition of the word OP. He is manipulative and a liar. Cease contact with him. You don't need "friends" like that in your life.

PinkFrogss · 27/09/2025 17:41

Did he have some sort of position of power over you or were you particularly vulnerable? If not then I don’t see how this would be grooming.

However he doesn’t have to be a groomer to be an absolute cunt, or for you to go no contact. Luckily you’ve clearly seen through him and have the support of your friends. Cut him off and don’t look back.

NotLadyEleanor · 27/09/2025 17:41

He lied, his family lied, and you only found out the truth by using the Internet. I wouldn’t want to be friends with him.

WilfredsPies · 27/09/2025 17:48

I’m not sure that groomed would be the right description for a 22 year old, but it does sound like you hadn’t developed the level of assertiveness that you needed to put a stop to this straight away, or see why you should never have got involved with him in the first place. I mean this with kindness but you sound quite naive and I think that was probably manipulated by this man.

I think that there is often a reason why significant age gaps at this age are a very bad idea, and that 22 year olds (particularly those who have had either limited, very positive or very negative experiences) don’t always have the understanding to either see that, or understand why it’s not a good idea.

You’ve had a lucky escape. I don’t really understand why you’d want to have any kind of friendship with him now beyond acknowledging each other if you passed in the street. Friendships are for when you genuinely like the other person, you just don’t want to be romantically involved with them. What is it about this man that means you want to keep him in your life?

Ellie1015 · 27/09/2025 17:56

Not sure if grooming but awful boyfriend, and not a great friend either. Definitely cut contact.

Being friends with ex is awkward anyway, so never a good idea. But in your circumstances I cant see any reason to even try.

YourWildAmberSloth · 27/09/2025 17:57

Do you even need to ask if you should cut all contact? You have/had choices and you made them. Stop following him around, cut contact and get on with your life - the rest is just unnecessary drama.

MouseCheese87 · 27/09/2025 17:59

No. You were an adult of coherent mind.

Crochetandtea · 27/09/2025 18:01

You’re an adult and unless you have learning difficulties then I wouldn’t assume he groomed you. You made some bad relationship decisions. Own them and move on . And most importantly learn from
them.

BlossomLeaves · 27/09/2025 18:02

It’s semantics really isn’t it. He sounds like an arse, you don’t like him and never have, move on and cut contact. It doesn’t need a definition.

Mercurial123 · 27/09/2025 18:02

YABU you were an adult and could finish the relationship. I guess you accepted the gifts?

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