Met ex when I was 22 and he was 38, groomed?

[victoriaspongees]

I met my ex when I was 22 and he was 38.

From the start he told me he was only 10 years older then me and it was only after Googling his and coming across his Companies House profile that I discovered his true age (he even tried to deny it wasn’t him and it was all lies).

His parents were also aware that he was lying about his age.

We broke up as I felt as if I had been forced into a relationship with him and because I felt as if I was just living my life to keep him happy.
He was also obsessed with me wearing hot pants on nights out which made me feel like a piece of meat.

Tried to insist on unprotected sex to get me pregnant.

He isn’t even my type at all.

He would constantly call, text and send me gifts etc.

I only ever saw him as a friend and was never sexually attracted to him at all (he knew this) so I basically kept the relationship going because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and he did so much to help me.

We are still friends 2 years after I broke up with him.

I can’t help but feel like he manipulated me into a relationship with him, my friend believes he groomed me and that I should cut all contact.

He tried to change me as a person and his parents were always interfering as well (tried to rope me into doing their chores for them).

Is this grooming? Should I cut contact?

Are you reading a different thread?!

It literally says ”I basically kept the relationship going because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and he did so much to help me.”

He sounds absolutely awful but OP isn’t exactly coming across as an angel.

Not grooming but not a nice guy. I’d break contact

He can ask you to wear hot pants. This is when you tell him to fuck off. Same advise when he wants unprotected sex . Fuck off! He’s not a nice person but not everyone is nice and kind and lovely. Take some responsibility for the people you associate with in future.

Depends how you interpret grooming. It’s generally used in the context of minors, and often in the context of illegal activity, so perhaps not the most appropriate word in this case.

But generally sounds like you were manipulated, he was dominant and persistent, you were passive and meek.

If you feel like you didn’t like him or enjoy the relationship it might be more empowering to figure out why you submitted.

I had a similar thing happen at 22. I honestly hate him now. From the bottom of my heart.
Cut contact and go and live your life. You owe him nothing. He is a liar. You werent groomed, you were vulnerable and manipulated by a liar.

Agree and I’m surprised so many think there is an age limit on grooming.

Adults can be groomed by manipulators. It’s not just kids.

Saying that, I’m not sure it’s the right word in this case, he just sounds like a complete knob

Not sure “groomer” is the correct word.

“Dickhead”, “Arsehole” and “Person you should completely cut out of your life” are accurate though.

He doesn't sound like a great person, he is a liar and it's weird that he was obsessed with you wearing hotpants. It also sounds like you were too passive. Unless he was coercing you into doing things by threats that made you feel scared (including threats to harm himself), you staying with him because he helped you a lot and you didn't want to hurt his feelings is on you as much as it is on him.

OP in what sense are you friends with him? Because it doesn’t sound like you like him much as a person, and it doesn’t sound like he is a particularly good friend to you. It sounds like he is saying he wants to be your friend in order to get back in your pants.

You are allowed to not be friends with people, even if they insist they want to be friends with you.

Not groomed but treated badly by an a-hole

No you were 22 and a fully grown woman. You made a bad decision about this man, so that’s on you. No one forced you into this relationship. At 22 no one is grooming you.

He was clearly not good partner material and I think you've had a lucky escape.

I think rather than try to find a word which accurately describes his behaviour it would be more useful to examine why you got involved with a man you weren't attracted to and stayed with to avoid hurting his feelings. Why were you unable to prioritise yourself? And why are you maintaining a friendship with a man who has already shown you how dishonest he is?

MN thinks this is victim blaming but I think these are important questions you need to answer so that you will become more confident in trusting your own instincts. You suspected he was a liar which is why you were googling him, you knew he couldn't be trusted but you didn't trust yourself.

I would cut contact altogether; such a dishonest man will never be a true friend. Take care, he exhibits behaviour which suggest to me he might have stalker tendencies.

Hi yes I was vulnerable as I had just come out of an abusive relationship.

He also took my parents phone number from my passport (emergency section) and called them up when I tried to cut contact with him.

He did actually stalk me quite a few times when I tried to leave, I.e coming to my apartment and watching outside to see who I was with etc.

He had even given me a fake name when we first met.

In recent months he has mellowed.
I feel sorry for him as he hasn’t really got any friends and only has his parents.

I think it is best for me to cut ties as I just want to move on with my life.

You should cut contact because it’s clearly an unhealthy relationship, but it’s a reach to claim you were groomed at 22. The relationship sounds abusive, but women in their 30’s and beyond are in abusive relationships so I don’t think you can blame it on age. You were old enough to take responsibility for your choices.

He was a controlling asshole who lied, but he didn’t “groom” you. Cut off all contact with him.

I feel sorry for him as he hasn’t really got any friends and only has his parents

There's a reason he doesn't have any friends.

You went from one abusive relationship to another. And now you are saying you feel sorry for him. You really need to look at your boundaries op

Hmm. He sounds a bit unhinged. Would a slow fade or ghosting him be safer than telling him you’re cutting ties. It’s worth considering what method is likely to be easiest and safest for you.

Grooming is a process by which an adult gains a child’s trust and gradually starts exposing the child to physical contact or sexual behavior. It’s not a catch-all term for anything untoward, manipulative, or unethical that one adult does in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with a younger adult.

I think you should talk to Women's aid and seek advice.
You absolutely are a victim of Coercive control and reporting him will put him on the police radar.
I would also suggest you consider making a Clare's law request to the police.
His parents are complicit too.
Trying to force you to have unprotected sex is Coercive sexual control.

Ask for support and help.
Stay away from him.
He is a very bad man.

He sounds like an absolute creep, OP. I think of myself at 22 and yes I was an adult but omg the stupid things I did from bad judgment calls. Your 20s is fkr doing stupid shit and growing up. A man of 38 who behaves like this with a 22 year old is grim. He is not your friend. You’ll look back at this from your 30s and shudder. Look after yourself xx

Friendships with exes just don't really work.

Please cut all ties with him. There’s no reason to keep him in your life and he doesn’t sound healthy mentally.

I don't think it's grooming. But you know he was lying and being manipulative and that's enough to cut contact. You say you feel sorry for him as he has no friends. But I think you've found out why.

From your descriptions though, I'm confused as to how you ended up in a relationship with him. You say you weren't attracted to him. And it sounds like you didn't really like him that much. So what happened to make you date him?!