Colleague deleted and ghosted me

[ThatDaringTaupeMentor]

Well maybe not 'ghosted'-, but didn't respond.

I worked with him for around a year, we had mutual friends, we were friendly but not friends as such if that makes sense.
Nothing at all against him, we were quite different people and he was very extroverted and just totally different interests. He was very tactile and confident with everyone and always nice to me if I bumped into him.

As I say we weren't friends, I didn't know much about him at all, didn't have his number and we wouldn't have ever messaged or met up. He's gay so no romantic element.

I moved to another department and he came to my last day in work with a few others which was very kind. I found out last month he was leaving through a friend and someone organised leaving drinks. They finish earlier than me and I said to the friends I could come but it would be later, I didn't have his number so on the night I texted another friend asking if they were still out, but everyone had already left.

I should have personally apologised to him and that was an oversight. It sounds daft but I assumed he wouldn't particularly care if I went or not anyway.

A few weeks later I noticed he's removed me on all social media, but has kept other colleagues. I was surprised and wondered if he was upset I didnt attend. I got his number off a mutual friend and texted to apologise and explain. He never replied but texts in a mutual group chat I was added to so just doesn't want to reply to me which is fine.

He is going to be at a mutual event in a couple of weeks, there will be about 8 of us. I admit im nervous and unsure if I want to go. I feel like I was rude for not going to his leaving event and should have apologised on the night. I didn't expect to be deleted from everywhere. Aibu?

As I say if he'd deleted other colleagues then fair enough but he hasn't.

You've already said you aren't friends. Don't overthink it

If you weren’t friends why are you so invested in this?

You are completely over-thinking this, and sound a bit intrusive with the texts.

Just go along to the event & be normal, friendly etc. You didn’t do anything to cause offence.

You mean intrusive by sending him a text to apologise? Maybe, but i only sent the one, just apologising for not attending, I've never once texted him otherwise.

I just don't know what i have done to cause such offense. And even if we are not friends im nervous about attending this event now. I wonder if he'll be stand offish or rude.

Oh god it’s not that deep, you’re not friends.
You’re putting way too much thought into him when he probably doesn’t even think of you.

Well, he does think of me if he went out of his way to delete me on different social media?

I just don't know if he's upset I didn't go to the event, that's all. Even if we aren't close friends, so what. Im allowed to wonder why, when in the office he was previously going around giving you hugs and acting all nice. Makes me wonder if it was fake.

He's not worried is he?
Why should you be?
You'll be able to tell alot from his body language, see how it goes.

You will probably just catch up with him along with the rest of the group and it will be all forgotten. I’d be extremely surprised if he made a fuss about you missing his work do when you meet up. I don’t think it will be mentioned again and you’ll have a great night.

I just don't want it to affect the evening. Just think I might feel uncomfortable around him and I'll find it hard to know if he's genuine.

Thanks, hopefully..obviously something made him decide to delete me everywhere but not other colleagues, but I won't know. I don't think I can trust people like that so I'll hopefully avoid him after this.

I wonder if he sat down one afternoon to rationalise his social media accounts, taking the time to go through and systematically prune out people who are not friends, colleagues, family etc? And that would then be an explanation as to why he’s removed you everywhere - because he removed loads of people from everywhere at the same time.

It doesn’t explain the lack of a breezy ‘no worries at all, love’ to your apology text. So I can’t explain that one, but maybe he tends to ignore messages from people outside his friends, family, colleagues circle.

Who knows.

It’s him though, not you. You carry on doing you and don’t worry about what this random
thinks. He doesn’t know you well enough to judge you so don’t spend a minute longer thinking about it.

Thanks .exactly it's not hard to write 'no worries' or even a thumbs up!

People often purge social media if moving roles... you didnt make the cut, you aren't close, its not hard. You may keep the guy from accounting on the first job when you were 17, some people don't, you're over thinking. Stop giving it headspace.

If he's enough of a drama queen to delete you from his SM over something so trivial, there's not much you can do! You've apologised and he's chosen not to respond. Go to the event and just smile and say hi as normal. If he's off with you, avoid him for the rest of the evening. Remind yourself that he's the one being ridiculous, not you. Don't give it any more headspace.

You haven’t caused offence. You are totally overthinking this and reading waaaay too much into a situation that wasn’t even a situation. You already said you’re not friends. You weren’t working together anymore as you had already moved to another department. He didn’t invite you to the drinks. It is normal that he came over when you left the department that you both worked at, that’s what direct colleagues do. I don’t think anyone would have expected you to attend his leaving do, as you were not friends nor colleagues anymore, and you had already said you were working later. I think it’s normal to do a cull of ex colleagues on social media when you leave a place. The other people (whom he hasn’t culled) are probably close to him, or were direct colleagues, or are useful contacts to hold on to for networking for his future job.

Ok I'll try to not overthink it. Just thought it wouldn't have killed him to send a quick reply!

He sounds like a bit of a diva. I mean, who deletes people? There is no limit to the number of friends is there? I would go along and concentrate on the others, you’ve done nothing wrong.

Because you ^weren't friends’! He’s just culling from his SM someone he’s not going to continue to see in his new job because you weren’t fruends.

OP, there’s something awfully familiar about your posting style. It’s reminding me strongly of the poster who kept posting in total fury at how a friend of a friend had been nice and shown her around when she was in her county on holiday, but didn’t want to pursue an ongoing friendship with her after she’d gone home, and the OP had at least two lengthy threads about this woman not reply to her texts and how she wasn’t ‘genuine’.

If this is you, OP, it’s a pattern of behaviour, you taking huge umbrage at someone for not replying to a text, even though you weren’t fruends.

The spelling is better than that poster, so hopefully not the same person. But i definitely see what you mean about the vibes.

Hi OP,

Ignore the usual twats mocking you for thinking about this.

It is a bit weird. He made a point of removing you and he ignored your message? Both on their own would be explained away but together suggests intent.

However you have done absolutely nothing wrong here. You weren't rude, you tried to get to his event and you apologised regardless.

This is a him problem - whatever it is about (and remember it could be ANYTHING).

Go to the event with your head held high, say hello how are you and leave it at that.

Maybe I’m wrong — it just seemed familiar, the disproportionate sense of rejection when someone entirely peripheral to their lives/a situational acquaintance, doesn’t respond to a text, and the comments about not knowing if he’s ‘genuine’ and ‘not trusting him after this’.

Hmmm…. You have a good point. Maybe it is, in which case serious help is needed. Also, the weird point about both of the people being gay seems odd if it is the same poster.