Colleague deleted and ghosted me

[ThatDaringTaupeMentor]

Well maybe not 'ghosted'-, but didn't respond.

I worked with him for around a year, we had mutual friends, we were friendly but not friends as such if that makes sense.
Nothing at all against him, we were quite different people and he was very extroverted and just totally different interests. He was very tactile and confident with everyone and always nice to me if I bumped into him.

As I say we weren't friends, I didn't know much about him at all, didn't have his number and we wouldn't have ever messaged or met up. He's gay so no romantic element.

I moved to another department and he came to my last day in work with a few others which was very kind. I found out last month he was leaving through a friend and someone organised leaving drinks. They finish earlier than me and I said to the friends I could come but it would be later, I didn't have his number so on the night I texted another friend asking if they were still out, but everyone had already left.

I should have personally apologised to him and that was an oversight. It sounds daft but I assumed he wouldn't particularly care if I went or not anyway.

A few weeks later I noticed he's removed me on all social media, but has kept other colleagues. I was surprised and wondered if he was upset I didnt attend. I got his number off a mutual friend and texted to apologise and explain. He never replied but texts in a mutual group chat I was added to so just doesn't want to reply to me which is fine.

He is going to be at a mutual event in a couple of weeks, there will be about 8 of us. I admit im nervous and unsure if I want to go. I feel like I was rude for not going to his leaving event and should have apologised on the night. I didn't expect to be deleted from everywhere. Aibu?

No i haven't posted about a holiday or whatever it is.
If he didn't want me on social media he didn't need to accept the request I sent, which was only a few months ago.
His leaving drinks were a surprise thing and the email was sent out to entire teams so it wasn't that I was not invited.
He's not worth any further worry, I don't think he's genuine and it's fortunate we were never close.

Honestly you are nothing to him apart from an ex colleague.
he isn’t interested in any aspect of your life and that’s why he’s deleted you.
you were just some person who he worked with.
you are way over invested in this!

I'd just go along and act as if it didn't happen. Maybe he's not bothered about it. Maybe he's a bit shallow. Either way not your problem. Eight people , you don't really have to engage with him if it's awkward?

This is a bizarre response to someone you only knew as a colleague including you in a SM cull after he’d left the job. You barely knew one another, and you didn’t even have his phone number. You decided on no evidence he was annoyed by someone he barely knew not showing up to his leaving party and, weeks later, you had to get his phone number from someone else to text to apologise, and now you’re fuming he didn’t reply and have decided he’s not ‘genuine’? You conclude it’s ’fortunate we were never close’, but if you were close, it would have been a completely different situation!

There's being polite and saying hello but then there's that over the top rushing to hug you squealing omg hii!! Darling etc. When they see you and I find that quite fake now.
So yeah people can say I am nothing to him etc. And yeah im sure that's true but that falseness does get on my nerves.
And he came to my leaving party, if I were 'nothing' then why bother?

You have no idea whether it was a cull or whether it was just me, how can you be sure it was a cull?

Anyway the main thing is that I shouldn't feel bad for not going and it was likely not related to that.

@ThatDaringTaupeMentor maybe he could sense how intensely you feel about him and just ended it politely.
maybe he’s a social butterfly and goes to anything he’s invited to.
but honestly you are way overthinking a ex colleague deleting you of social media.

There are no intense feelings like that trust me 😂

Please don't worry about this op.

Option 1 - he did a social media cull, is terrible at responding and simply isn't bothered about you in which case no feelings hurt no problem!

Option 2 - he was annoyed acted like a baby throwing a dramatic tantrum and has blocked and purposely ignored you. Well Lucky you! you have dodged a bullet and are not a 'friend' to someone so ridiculous!

Just act normal at the meeting like nothing has happened and don't give it another thought

And that’s why you’re posting in mumsnet about a non event with a person that doesn’t mean anything to you. Sure.

I can post about feeling upset, it doesn't mean there are 'intense feelings'

No need for your nasty response, thanks

I know some posters just berate you for daring to ever think about anything, but I'll post what I like thanks.

But surely you should be trying to figure out why on earth you’re so upset by a former colleague you weren’t friends with deleting you from SM after he’d left the job?

I wouldn't have responded to your text either.
If someone is little enough interested in you that they've removed you from their social media, take the hint.

He didn't give you his number. You were overstepping and being odd by getting his number from a third party and for apologising for not attending something you weren't invited to and nobody noticed you weren't at. Let it go.

1. Hes part of a group chat and his number was there.
2. I was invited.

So I'd suggest you read things properly before posting and making assumptions, you're being quite odd yourself.

Try not to worry, it’s probably nothing like you think it is and I’m sure you’ll have a good night. He knows you’re going and will no doubt want things to go well. And as @Endofyearsays, if he is being silly, he’s just not worth it.

As for 'nobody noticed you weren't there' you know that how exactly? No, you have no idea.
Just a desperate attempt to try and be bitchy and make me feel bad.

1. You specifically said in your OP that you got his number from a mutual friend
2. You said his leaving drinks were a surprise thing, and the invitation went out to entire teams, so it was a mass invitation, not something he had organised and specifically invited you to.

I think that poster is just pointing out that you weren’t friends with this person, it was a mass surprise leaving drinks with the email going out to entire teams, so it’s highly unlikely he noticed your absence, far less minded about it.

Seriously, what’s the matter with you, OP? I agree with the other posters, you’re being very odd about this. Is something else going on?

OP ignore these vipers who don't read your posts before replying. It's only natural to wonder why he has deleted you from all social media after being all over you like that. I would be hurt, too. If you can get a moment with him at the do with no one else around him, I would definitely ask him about it. You deserve an answer.

I don’t want to speak for that poster, but I don’t think she was implying that you had intense feelings for your colleague. I took it to mean that you’ve clearly put a lot of thought into a situation that many people wouldn’t think twice about and that it does sound quite intense.

It’s entirely possible that the hugging you in the office was because he liked you as a colleague. Or he could just do that to everyone. Not because he’s not genuine, but because that level of contact doesn’t mean anything to him. And he deleted you from social media not because you caused him mortal offence, but because he doesn’t envisage a friendship between you, unlike some of your other colleagues. The same reason he didn’t reply to your text; it didn’t mean anything to him, he may have been surprised and maybe a tiny bit uncomfortable that you went to such lengths to track down his number and apologise to him (I’d be a bit surprised if some random ex colleague asked someone else for my number just to send me a completely unnecessary text; it’s not something I’d want to encourage).

Go to the event. Give him a big smile and a ‘how are you’? And then move on. Don’t raise it because you’ll make things awkward for everyone and then he really will have negative thoughts about you.

Just wondering how old you both are, @ThatDaringTaupeMentor In my early/mid twenties, I went on lots of work nights out including leaving drinks. Sometimes they were people I knew well and sometimes more peripheral acquaintances - in which case it was more a case of ‘oh, there are drinks, I’m invited, it’ll be nice to be part of the send-off’. He may have come to your leaving drinks without too much thought. He may have a particular office ‘persona’ where he’s a bit of a social butterfly but doesn’t see most of those connections as deeper. This seems more likely than him being deeply offended by you, but even if he was that wouldn’t be reasonable so it’s not worth worrying about.

Ive known people like this and you're right, they are fake. Over the top friendly one day then blank you like youre nothing the next. Don't take it personally. They're like this with most people. Its not you, its them.