Was your toddler spiteful to newborn sibling?

[jaffacake7]

I don’t know what to do, I’m at the end of my tether, tired, full of anxiety and upset about this situation.

I’ve name changed but a regular poster.

DS was born a few weeks ago, DD is 2y4mo’s. She is so spiteful to him. I can’t leave him unattended for 1 minute because I never know when she’s going to attack. She hits him, pushes down on his face, tries to grab his throat and dig her nails in. I’ve cried so so much about this, I’m gutted because I feel like I’ve failed as a Mum.

Before baby was born, she was a different child. She was never ever spiteful to anyone, she was funny, happy, loving. Now she’s full of anger, everything is “no” and she seems to get no joy out of anything she previously did. I feel so guilty and I want my little girl back.

Nothing in her routine has changed, we’ve kept it all the same. When baby sleeps, I spend 1-1 time with her. DH runs his own business so has extended time off and is doing 1-1 time too. We are not shouty parents at all but we’ve tried shouting to shock her, we’ve tried redirection, we’ve tried praising her every time she is kind/helpful, we’ve tried a reward system (a penny to put in her money box every time she does something kind for baby brother).

She pretends she wants to cuddle him then she suddenly attacks after the cuddle so we can’t even do that to try and create a bond.

I am tearful and anxious all of the time, one because I have a defenceless baby who doesn’t deserve to be hurt and two, because I feel like I’ve lost my DD.

For example, yesterday I took her to the park for 2 hours, just us two like what we used to do, she came home and was absolutely fine for a few hours then went for him in his Moses basket, he was sleeping, not crying or anything that could have provoked a negative response from her. She has been swimming, to the library to pick new books, to the park etc all 1 to 1 with me or DH (exactly how her week would normally be).

How do I handle this? I’m so tired, overwhelmed and sad all of the time. She starts pre school in January, I don’t know how to get through the next few months.

She's not "spiteful" - she's basically only a baby herself. I know she is being unkind and it's stressful but you need to avoid overlaying it with labels that she isn't capable of at this age.

"A penny for her moneybox" isn't a useful reward at 2 either, she isn't cognitively ready to understand money in the way she would need to for that to work.

Get a sling for the baby and keep him close so she can't get her hands on him. It's hard but you'll have to physically prevent her from having any chance to hurt him while you work through this with her. She's only little and she doesn't understand that she could really hurt him. Honestly she just can't comprehend that yet.

Read lots of books about siblings and being kind and looking after babies. Treat her like the baby she still is - it's easy to see her as a giant next to a defenceless newborn but she is still so tiny really! Don't make a big deal of her being "the big girl" because that's probably upsetting to her, it's not the compliment you might think to a newly displaced toddler!!

Thank you!

Completely understand what you’re saying, I am still treating her as the 2 year old she is 100%, my actions towards her haven’t changed at all but obviously I have to change baby/feed him/comfort him so maybe she needs some time adjusting to seeing me do that.

I was running around the house with her earlier playing hide and seek and “tickle monsters”, I am very much still treating her as I did before.

The whole penny reward system was an idea as she loves putting money in there and she understands taking it out to spend, once a month we take £2 or £3 out for her to go into the shop and buy a new colouring book/puzzle etc and she gets excited to do that so I thought it might work.

Will try a sling! Thank you x

Our eldest was a bit younger, and wasn't jealous at all, yet was doing similar things to his baby sister. He would pull her arm very hard, put his fingers in her eyes...
He would basically treat her like a fancy doll!

It took a few weeks until he got used to her presence and started losing interest.
I think you just have to wait it out, your DD will likely grow out of it (my eldest changed massively around 3 and started showing much more interest for babies, animals etc).

In the meantime, we wouldn't leave them alone in the same room for months. A sling is really good, or a mose basket then small bouncer seat on a table (safe and stable of course).

This is such good advice.

Does she have a baby doll of her own? Or teddies that she can be kind to? She will get through this phase but of course it’s upsetting.

As the PP has said, she's not spiteful. She's feeling incredibly threatened on an evolutionary level by the baby. She knows she is totally dependent on you for her survival, and knows that the baby is taking a lot of the resources that could have gone to her. She's programmed to understand this in a way she can't articulate. You've summed up the solution though - you cannot ever leave them alone together. Either she or the baby comes with you at all times, and when in the same room you need to be between the two of them if you aren't holding one of them.

Rules we had that helped:

• no touching the baby's face. If they want to cuddle they can cuddle the baby's foot. Can't strangle a foot.
• if toddler wants to say hello they need to put toys down first. They rapidly become missiles otherwise
• get a carry potty for out and about rather than trying to hold her on the toilet with a baby in the sling. It's too tempting for them to bop the baby and your hands are full of holding her.
• get a really comfortable sling. That way you can do all your usual activities with her and baby can snuggle in and sleep. The only things I could do were swimming and fitting through the round rollers at soft play - still managed all slides etc with baby in the sling.

Good luck. It will get better. But be ready for it to get worse again when the baby starts moving and grabbing her toys. Then it gets better again!

My oldest often tried to hurt the baby, didn’t like the baby and was quite vocal about it but it wasn’t spite just natural jealousy. They weren’t even three and however much 1:1 time they got, however much I prioritised them over the baby, they weren’t stupid and they knew full well that this was competition. DC don’t understand sharing toys at that age and you’re making them suddenly share their parents so of course they have big feelings about that!

We had a lot of redirection and we never left them both alone together. A lot of stores about siblings and a lot of reassurance. After a few months, when baby was smiling and would interact with them, plus they’d forgotten life as an only, they absolutely adored baby and a decade later they are still close. It’s easy to think that they’ll never get on, but it’s very very early days and things change.

My DS was just turned 3 when DD arrived and although he never showed any violence towards her at all, he did start hitting and biting me when she was about 6 weeks old and DH went back to work. His general behaviour was appalling as well. I found the only thing that worked was completely ignoring the behaviour. I would just pick up DD and leave the room for a minute and then come back and be normal. Or I’d just become totally silent while I did whatever was needed e.g getting him out of the bath. Telling him off was just giving him the attention he craved so I made sure I really gave over the top praise for positive behaviour and absolutely nothing for anything violent. He got over it within a month, maybe less.

2 and a half is a tough age though, DS had a rough month around then where it took an age to do anything because he just said no. You probably just have to wait it out.

I have a great photo of eldest DD giving her newborn sister such a filthy look when she was brought to the hospital to meet her. She then stole her soft toy when she left. She wasn’t even 18 months old when her sister was born!

All the above advice is good and she will grow out of this phase soon and settle down.

Oh it’s hell when this happens. My DD was the same when her brother was born. She’ll eventually grow out of it don’t worry. What I found helpful was telling her she has a very important job of being a big sister and that he’s her baby brother. Get her helping you with things to give her little jobs if she likes to help. I also found it easier being out of the house a lot with them both. Sounds like you’re doing everything you can to give her loads of attention

I’ve never experienced this with any of mine or my step children but I did buy them baby dolls of their own so that when I was cuddling baby they all
has their own baby to cuddle!

The girls had realistic baby dolls and the boys had a cabbage patch doll!

Would that work if she had a bay of her own?

A really good book to read is The Second Baby Book by Sarah Ockwell Smith.

Just to say that I was in your position 2 years ago. It was so so tough. Two years on and they are actually really close and play nicely, but those first few months were the worst of my life. It's so scary and you think anything could happen. Just never leave them alone together, not even for a second and get all the help you can for the next few months until she grows out of it.

Yes! For ages, we couldn’t leave baby 2 on the floor in a bouncer because DD1 would pinch her cheeks. They were only 20 months apart. It does stop eventually

I put the baby in the playpen so they were left in peace.

Yes, 23 month age gap and I could never leave them together for even a minute. He would hit her when he was cross with me mainly. I felt awful and used to wonder when it would stop. It didn't, she just learned to hit him back. They're both still pretty aggressive with each other now unfortunately at 5 and 7. They're angels 1:1 or with their friends though, not a shred of violent behaviour with anyone other than each other. I still can't leave them together in a room for long without it turning to fighting and shrieks (sorry OP).

It's prob quite traumatic for her!

Her behavior is very normal. You have had some great advice so I won’t add any.

My DS was 4.5 when his brother was born and took it really, really hard - we also saw a regression when baby became more mobile as he then had far more my attention (for safety reasons). It sounds like you're doing all you can, it's still really early days but ride it out and it'll get easier once she's had some time to adjust.

Completely normal and I don't think they can entirely help it so don't frame it as being spiteful, it's your job to calmly stop it and not label her like that.

DD1 was under 18 months when DD2 was born. She would give her lots of kisses then out of nowhere bite her. She was allowed to kiss twice then no more kisses. I don't remember it lasting very long, although generally she was a biter when stressed, she (several years later) bit DD2 and left a bruise that was clearly a bite that was noticed at nursery (they asked DD2 who did it and she said 'sister' and when she started school and DS was a newborn she would bite me a lot during the walk home from school. I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that at 17 she is currently filling in her UCAS form for medicine and talking about her voluntary work and her commitment to the community so being a biter as a small child has not been a sign of any great personality issue.

I have the exact gap as OP and while there was no "spitefulness" I found a baby doll helped with jealousy. We could do tasks 'together' then. I even got a baby carrier for her doll so she could babywear.

Great advice so far, I would just add that as well as 1-1 with her you need to incorporate sibling time too. I had a smaller age gap and thought my son wanted 1-1 but he didn't, he just didn't like being left out when I had the baby so he became my little helper and loved it, he settled so much. He would find the wipes, hold the bottle, get the baby socks, pick babys clothes, help brush babys hair, do the songs actions while I sang. He felt involved rather than separate. I even started letting him try to "measure" the formula in the scoop and transfer to the bottle, which was a disaster but he felt soo important it was adorable. Try to involve her in as much as possible. Her life has changed and she needs to adapt, constantly being separated to do 1-1 will just re traumatise her when she watches you feed the baby or play without her. If that makes sense x

Mine was very upset at first, wanted to breastfeed again, tried to hit and throw things at the baby...it was very stressful and emotional for me at the time as I felt overwhelmed and also guilty that I had done the wrong thing in having another baby. Fast forward a few weeks and they were the best of friends, and still are (between the rows)...all sounds v normal and DD just needs reassurance and support through the upheaval

My first two have a 24m gap. Big brother has been besotted with younger sister since birth. Only ever hurt her with his over enthusiastic devotion. Remains devoted at 4.5y.

So. it was a bit of a shock when the third was born (22m gap after second), and the beloved sister did not feel the same about her new sibling! Really tested boundaries, stared at me whilst progressively trying to dig her elbow into his head whilst I fed him, asked when he was going back to the hospital…

It did get loads better within a couple of months. A sling was essential. Baby shouldn’t be put anywhere without being supervised if sister could potentially get to him. Involve big sis where possible and try and do things together eg. Reading whilst the baby feeds. Keep up the positive feedback, reiterate the “we do not hurt” schtick, pop the baby in the sling and try and continue life as normal.

It will be worth it when they are 2 and 4 and laughing at their own in jokes and playing together nicely. ❤️

Ours was like this, 2 y 9 m age gap. I remember going away for work and telling DH he couldn't leave the baby in the high chair alone for any amount of time in case DD pushed him over. The jealousy lasted from maybe 3-6 months. It did get better. we spoke constantly about it. We gave our DD solo parent time (which was really good), she went to daycare, activities, the park etc. I think it got better when the baby could interact with her and she started building a "real bond". Good luck.