Was your toddler spiteful to newborn sibling?

[jaffacake7]

I don’t know what to do, I’m at the end of my tether, tired, full of anxiety and upset about this situation.

I’ve name changed but a regular poster.

DS was born a few weeks ago, DD is 2y4mo’s. She is so spiteful to him. I can’t leave him unattended for 1 minute because I never know when she’s going to attack. She hits him, pushes down on his face, tries to grab his throat and dig her nails in. I’ve cried so so much about this, I’m gutted because I feel like I’ve failed as a Mum.

Before baby was born, she was a different child. She was never ever spiteful to anyone, she was funny, happy, loving. Now she’s full of anger, everything is “no” and she seems to get no joy out of anything she previously did. I feel so guilty and I want my little girl back.

Nothing in her routine has changed, we’ve kept it all the same. When baby sleeps, I spend 1-1 time with her. DH runs his own business so has extended time off and is doing 1-1 time too. We are not shouty parents at all but we’ve tried shouting to shock her, we’ve tried redirection, we’ve tried praising her every time she is kind/helpful, we’ve tried a reward system (a penny to put in her money box every time she does something kind for baby brother).

She pretends she wants to cuddle him then she suddenly attacks after the cuddle so we can’t even do that to try and create a bond.

I am tearful and anxious all of the time, one because I have a defenceless baby who doesn’t deserve to be hurt and two, because I feel like I’ve lost my DD.

For example, yesterday I took her to the park for 2 hours, just us two like what we used to do, she came home and was absolutely fine for a few hours then went for him in his Moses basket, he was sleeping, not crying or anything that could have provoked a negative response from her. She has been swimming, to the library to pick new books, to the park etc all 1 to 1 with me or DH (exactly how her week would normally be).

How do I handle this? I’m so tired, overwhelmed and sad all of the time. She starts pre school in January, I don’t know how to get through the next few months.

Mine all very much disliked their sinling when they were tiny babies. They only really warmed to them when they became mobile and a bit more fun
In her world she is now having to share her space with another small person, which takes up her parents time, probably a bit irritating and a change she didnt ask for.
I used to have travel cots downstairs in the sittingroom and kitchen so I could keep mine separate if I needed the bathroom or needed free hands for 5 mins. Dh used to call them baby jail but kids didnt mind as popped toys in for toddler or mobile for baby

Thank you to everyone who’s replied, shared their stories and offered advice.

DD does have lots of cuddly toys and we bought her a baby and pram set for her 2nd birthday. She’s always played with them by putting them into her bed and pulling the duvet up and giving them her dummies, leaning down to kiss them etc (mimicking how DH and I put her to bed minus the getting in bed with her to read a book before we say goodnight), she pushes baby around in the pram and she’s got a bottle for baby and I gave her a couple of the tiny newborn nappies.

She’s always loved helping, when I clean for example she loves to take a (clean) cloth and “dust” windowsills, she helps me put the laundry in the dryer etc and she quite often says “mummy I’ll help you” when I’m doing anything like that, I try to involve her in lots and I give her praise such as “thank you DD, that’s really helpful for Mummy”.

I have tried to involve her in DS such as passing me a nappy or holding the bottle but she ends up going for him because she’s close enough to him to be able to.

Just to say, I don’t actually think she’s a spiteful child and I would never call her spiteful out loud etc, it was the only way I could think of describing her actions towards DS. I’m just finding it so hard that I don’t recognise her I feel like I’ve ruined her little family unit and made her unhappy 😞 I just need to keep pushing through by the sounds of it and wait for it to pass