To send a friend a message or just cut contact?

[ChangingWeight]

I’m in my 20s and had a close friend since school. We went to school together and have known each other for 15+ years.

Last year I dealt with a horrendous situation at work where my manager tried it on with me and I complained about him. As a result, I had to leave my job, consider an employment tribunal and basically start over from scratch with a new employer.

This friend of mine, completely distanced herself from me even though she knew I was struggling and going through a difficult time. I never over share and I never asked her to do anything, but she just literally would ignore my messages if I ever mentioned stress. She would never pick up the phone to see if I was okay or offer any sort of emotional support. She would however message me about her partner being rude to her, or her being treated badly at work, and expect me to be a listening ear for her. But if I shared anything, it was like she got the ick! She was very cold, distant and basically made me realise what a shit friend she is.

I stopped bothering with her, focused on myself, got a new job and got back on my feet with a better salary and buying a house. All of a sudden, she’s popped back up wanting a catch up, trying to congratulate me and say how proud she is. I just don’t know how to respond as I just feel she wasn’t there for me and I have zero interest in having her in my life now that I’m doing okay.

Aibu to send her a message ending the friendship, or just ignore her?

I’d just ignore her, she may not have meant harm so I wouldn’t want to argue about it, but she’s shown she’s a rubbish friend so I’d just move on.

I’d just ignore and move on!

I would ignore too. There are lot’s of clever things you could say but who needs the drama.

I don’t want to argue!

I don’t want her in my life to be honest, so I just want her to stop contacting me. She has a habit of double messaging, messaging me on all platforms and asking others about me. So then it gets awkward if another friend mentions her and why I haven’t spoken to her. I’m not sure how to navigate that side of things if I just ignore her.

Agree, I want to avoid drama especially as we have mutual friends. In that sense, she’s like a bad smell I can’t completely get rid of.

I’m not saying you want to argue, but obviously it could cause an argument if she doesn’t agree she’s been shit, and it’s easier to avoid and ignore. You have to do what feels right to you though, I don’t think there is a wrong answer.

If it were me I think I'd just reply with very brief messages e.g. if she messages to say she's proud of you just say thanks or respond with a thumbs up emoji. You can keep your emotional distance then and protect yourself but hopefully avoid awkward drama or questions from mutual friends

This. A decent middle ground - not completely ignoring, but making clear you’re keeping your distance.

Oh I know, I didn’t mean to sound snippy if I did earlier - I was just responding in the middle of doing something else.

Thanks. It’s weird isn’t it, she can just pick and choose when she wants to be a friend - but if I drop her, I might look like the bad guy!

I just think it’s a fair weather approach from her. I’m quite sure she only wants to ask questions to suss out how much I earn and what my house costs and where I live lol

It’s a good plan but if I did this, I think I need to set some boundaries, like not meeting up and delaying my responses to her. I just can’t pick off where things left off, in fact I’m surprised she had the audacity to get in touch again. If I wasn’t in a good place, I doubt she’d have bothered reaching out, and I don’t need people like that in my life.

Too little, too late.
Block her on everything and move on.

She sounds quite similar to an ex friend of mine. I think a quiet exit is required.
When I was going through an awful patch with my family, she was no where to be seen and of course, her issues with her family were much bigger than mine.
She’s love bombing you as you’ve clearly distanced yourself. Toxic people love multiple platforms, it’s a game to them. If they can’t reach you at one, they want to make sure they know they’re there on another, watching.
No arguement needed, set those boundaries and don’t let her back in.

Yes this is exactly it!

My dispute at work was significant, my potential employment tribunal payout is anticipated to be quite high, so it wasn’t petty drama and there is strong evidence of illegal behaviour.

Yet she always made out like her petty issues at work were worse than mine, it was almost like she was being a martyr. I had no choice but to leave and start afresh but she’s still with her employer. It came across like she felt she was better cause she was able to endure?

I’m sorry that you went through similar with your friend. I personally wasn’t raised to treat people like that, so I just have no idea why people do these things.

It sounds terrible what you’ve been through and she’s clearly shown you her true colours.

Honestly, It was a never ending thing of her trying to one up me on everything. The one thing I can say with certainty is that it won’t just be you. She will be doing this with her other friends too. Grey rock method is fantastic and keep her at arms length.

Thank you, and thanks for the advice.

I recognise that too - the oneupmanship was common. I’m sure that’s the only reason why she got in touch! After I ignored her first message, she sent me a bunch of messages about how she ran into someone I haven’t spoken to since school and they were discussing how I’m getting on and that she’d love to see my new house. I just thought, why are two people I haven’t spoken to in a while discussing me? And why would I invite them over?

It’s odd isn’t it, how we can end up with these bad eggs in our lives but it’s so hard to get rid!

I would just ignore.

She might have something going on that she couldn’t dump on you. Think id still stay away.

No need to do anything other than block her. There doesn’t need to be a middle ground or anything nice or polite, just disengage.

Maybe but I doubt it as she dumped her issues on me, she just didn’t reciprocate support like I did. Plus I kind of think, I don’t care because regardless she still could have checked in here and there. Instead she treated me like a leper!

I know how you feel. I’ve cut 3 ‘friends’ this year. One I was devastated about but she became so flaky and then my dad died and she’s messaged me twice since then (one of those was to tell me she’d had a baby 🙄)
think you just have to chalk it as one of those things and chose your friends more carefully

If you’ve zero interest in having her in your life, I’d just ignore her. Job done.

That said, I have plenty of friends who I couldn’t rely on for emotional support but who are great in other ways (e.g. just a brilliant laugh, entertaining). I’d talk to them about superficial stuff but wouldn’t seek support for serious stuff from them (nor, I expect, would they from me).

I have other, closer, friends who I would rely on.

15 years is a long time. Your feelings are totally valid OP. However some people will deny the sky is blue all day long. Frustrating for you but sometimes the closure you need is from yourself!

I am sorry for your loss and hope you’re okay.

yeah it’s shit when you realise the people in your life aren’t great! I think I’m going through a phase in life where I’m wanting to protect myself from flaky friends, I’m kind of embarrassed I got to this age without realising how many of my so called friends would really be there for me in an emergency