AIBU to think this is completely inappropriate? Dance school asking paying customers for money for the owner's baby gift

[edme]

My DD attends a dance school - it's once a week, and we pay the fees like normal paying customers. It's a successful dance school with lots of regular and one-off classes, clearly good business acumen, 10-20 teachers. The owner has just had a baby, which is lovely news obviously.
But then we got this email from the dance school itself asking all parents to contribute towards flowers and a gift for the owner during her maternity leave - they even suggested an amount (around £5-10!). The email said things like "a few parents have asked if we're arranging a collection" and "this is a way to show our care and thanks for how hard she's worked." And they call us their "family".
I was already thinking this was a bit off - we're paying customers, not employees! We already show our appreciation by paying for the classes. If some parents wanted to organise something independently, fine, but the business itself asking customers for money to buy a gift for the owner?
I totally expected them to back off.
Instead, a week later, we've now had a reminder email chasing people who haven't donated yet! It says things like "if you've already donated, thank you" and "if you'd still like to take part" despite claiming "no pressure at all."
They want us to transfer money to the teacher's personal bank account (seems like the sister of the owner) and provide our names and messages.
AIBU to think this is completely tone-deaf and inappropriate? It feels like they're treating paying customers like employees who owe the boss a gift, and then chasing us up about it. I actually think asking employees for money to gift the boss is also inappropriate, but that's worse/
What would you do? I'm genuinely baffled...
Maybe I'm in the wrong and this is completely normal behaviour for businesses, or schools aimed at children? But it just feels so inappropriate to me!

There's a difference between privately asking other parents "what should we give?" and having the business itself suggest an amount in a mass email.

Thinking about it, I'm not offended. I think it's tone-deaf, so I'm surprised. I think it's inappropriate, so I'm confused, baffled, but no, not offended.

@edme We might give something to a teacher in similar circumstances. It’s not tone deaf at all as it’s voluntary. If you aren’t interested, ignore it. Others are presumably interested so let them be. You sound a bit jealous and obviously think the school owner is rich so isn’t deserving of a kind gesture.

I can't see any significant difference at all. It's still an open invitation. Nothing tone-deaf about it all.

Is it a big school? If 100 people gave £10 that would be £1000!! Lots of flowers

Some parents asked if there was a collection, so they did a collection.

I really don't know what you're getting bent out of shape for.

Those parents got what they wanted and if you don't want to donate, then you get what you want too 🤷‍♂️

Yes it is, several hundred children attend, but mostly once a week.

I would ignore. Highly inappropriate of then.

If I sound jealous, then I worded my post very badly!
I don't think the owner is more well off than me, but I know other mums who are significantly less well off than the owner or myself. So maybe it's similar to a "white saviour" syndrome, and I'm upset in the place of those who I think are offended?
So here's my assumption: I think those who are not offended are those for whom giving £5-10 to another similarly well off person is fine and would expect the same, and maybe they are not considering that not everyone is equally well off.

Sounds fine to me.

many of these sorts of activities rely on a lot of people putting in extra time and that time that is paid is often not particularly well paid.

my DD danced for a few years and although we were paying it clearly wasn’t profit making much of at all and we got to know the teacher very well.

I'm well aware not every one is well off

When my daughter started dancing I was a single mum struggled to find the money for lessons and my parents sometimes helped out.

I have climbed the career ladder since and am very comfortable now, but I do remember what it was like.

When money was short I would have had no qualms about not donating. Now I have cash to spare I would enjoy donating.

But that’s not their job! They have suggested something. Parents don’t have to do anything.

My DD went to a rather well to do private school and the leaving present contribution suggestion for the head made me look twice! It’s not obligatory - it’s a suggestion. We halved the suggested amount as DD had been there for 2 years, not 7 as others had. People are old enough and wise enough to make their own decisions and I just would not worry about it. Do what you want to do and others will do the same.

I was with you until this post.
It makes no difference to me how well off someone is if I give a gift, it's all about the relationship.
If I was paying for a service, like a dance school, then I wouldn't contribute to a gift, unless I had a unusually good relationship with the owner. Their wealth would be irrelevant.
But I always buy something for the scout leaders, who donate their time - despite the fact that some have excellent well-paid day jobs and probably don't need my fiver.

I think it's a really important distinction, and I agree with you. I reacted to the person who said I was jealous of the owner, but maybe I should have ignored them as that's not the point.
I agree saying thanks you - with money, words, or gift - to those who donated their time or gone above and beyond or made an impression on you or your children is very nice.

I think you're being weirdly over sensitive about this. It sounds like a few parents probably did ask if they could contribute to the gift and so someone just sent out an email via the school emai account. Which, from a GDPR perspective, is probably a reasonable option.

At our dance school DD came home with a little piece of paper and a QR code for anyone who wanted to do note to a baby gift, and I know it was organised by one of the older girls rather than another teacher, which is probably a better option.

But it's not weird.

And I'm not sure how your school works but our school very much is a family. Obviously, it's more family for some children who go to more classes than for others. But as far as I'm concerned, DD's dance teachers and her fellow students are some of the most important people in our life and they've had the most incredibly positive impact on her life. Excitement levels when the teacher had a baby this year were off the charts and DD is still dining out on the fact that she ws one of the first to meet the baby!

Just, never read their emails?

I think organizing a gift for a volunteer like a beavers leader is very different than a business soliciting a gift. Plus the beaver example probably had no involvment from the recipient or her family.

Just ignore

Don't give anything and also you should never be told what to give.
If you want you could get a bg card and all sign it.
That's all that's needed. It's very grabby to want presents all the time.

This wouldn't bother me at all 🤷‍♀️ you don't have to contribute anything if you don't want to - it sounds like some parents approached them about getting a gift so it made sense to organise something rather than have a lot of random stuff given that she doesn't want/need. This way they can buy a substantial gift that will be useful.

I don't know why anyone would think it's inappropriate - it's just a new baby gift that you can choose to contribute to or not.

This wouldn't bother me at. If I wanted to I would contribute. If I didn't want to, I wouldn't. I think it's fine for someone to have arranged something centrally for anyone who wants to join in.

Even if it is her job, it's a school teacher's job to teach the class, he or she gets paid to it, and still lots of people buy a give or contribute to a gift. In this scenario it's a dance teacher instead of a class teacher. I get that it's not exactly the same but they still might have a bond with the kids, give up free time to do things for their classes, go above and beyond etc. Or maybe just be really good at their job and the parents and children love them.

Well, it’s optional so just don’t donate. I probably would have in the later years of my dds dancing as I knew the teachers quite well and would always chat to them. But probably not in the early days when they were only attending one class a week and I didn’t really know the teachers. There may well be established families who know the teachers quite well who want to. Doesn’t mean you have to.

This is awful because I know there absolutely will be people who feel they have to chip in.

I would respond to all saying you won’t be contributing as you can’t afford it.

I guess you could liken it to class teachers at a primary school asking parents to contribute to a gift for the head teacher having a baby - inappropriate! More so as you’re a paying customer. Sure, some parents might take it upon themselves to send a card or have a whip round with other parents but there should be no email chasers! Just ignore it.

It's really really cheeky behaviour imo.

There's a kids football group near to us that asks for a 'donation to massimo' on the registration form. Just that. Not even pretending

Massimo owns the group

Massimo driving a Maserati

Massimo happy man