To be a teacher asking for help from parents of children with SEND?

[sendhelpaboutsend]

If you have a child with additional needs that masks very effectively at school and then becomes very dysregulated when they get home, what do you wish school would do to help? Or what do they do that you have seen has a helpful impact?

I am a primary teacher with a number of parents that are pleading for help in school.

I have seen countless posts and videos from parents of children with SEND that are furious when schools say, “they’re fine at school”, and I know I am guilty of saying this - not because I don’t want to help or don’t believe how much these kids struggle at home, but because I genuinely don’t know how to help kids with things that I only see as appearing to be coping well.

We are a very nurturing school. We have an amazing ELSA and a dedicated sensory room, we use some standing desks for children that like or benefit from them, I use visuals and reduced language, I give task lists. We are trauma informed, dyslexia friendly, have regular ASC and ADHD training…

Ultimately though, we are a mainstream school. There are sensory things which will impact some kids, there are curriculum, cognitive or language demands that impact some.

There are barely enough adults in school to support the children with demanding behaviours and needs that do present in school, never mind the ones that don’t but I want to know what I can do to try.

So, if you think there is anything that has or would help your child…please help.

Give them time out.
be aware of the volume of demands being put on them
speak to an occupational therapist about universal room design
don’t expect loads of homework
be aware of literal interpretations
if appropriate let the young person know that you’re aware of how much work they’re exerting to just be there

Just wanted to say - as the parent of twins with SEN, one of whom appears 'fine' in school, but absolutely isn't, and one who is challenging enough to have an EHCP, risk assessment and 1-2-1 in place - carry on being the caring, curious person you come across as.
Everyone will give you a different answer around what would help their 'seemingly fine but not fine in school' child, as they are all individuals, but for my 'fine but not fine in school's Twin 1, the most meaningful thing for her is the 'adults' (teachers, TAs etc) checking in with her where possible to see how she is actually doing.
The quiet ones like my Twin 1 - who doesn't have the challenging behaviour of her twin - can sometimes be overlooked precisely because she poses no overtime challenges and flies under the radar. It's taken a lot of work to help her see that her voice matters, that she - and her less voluble struggles - matter.

The CIRCLE resource is useful.

Sensory room
A quiet walk around the playground with a TA or a sit on a bench outside while the others are in class. Fresh air for 10 minutes in a quiet space (TA standing by quietly). I am overusing the words quiet/quietly but my ASD son did very well with having some moments of Zen.
He did great in mainstream primary! He was very well supported on very little really. As long as he got his sensory breaks, this really helped. In years 5 and 6, he didn't really ask for them anymore and was fine.
I think, as he matured in primary, knowing that he had an escape route if it all became overwhelming really helped him cope better. He knew he could have quiet space if he needed it. He trusted the adults at school immensely. That's a huge thing... just knowing kids can turn to you and trust you offers such a sense of peace.
In years 5 and 6, my son met once a week with the school-based therapist and this was instrumental in helping him feel calmer about the challenges he faced, especially in year 6 (SATs, preparation for secondary, a deeper understanding of the fact that he was a bit different than his peers).

Praise, everything. They hear so much criticism every single day that their confidence hits rock bottom.

Homework- don't expect to much. They need time to unwind when at home.

Open communication wjth parents about the positive things as well as the struggles so parents can talk to their child about yhe good things so that conversations about school aren't all about the concerns and worries.

I'm a secondary teacher, my son is 6 with adhd, I've recently been diagnosed. Watch out for the quiet ones, I was one.

Not sure how possible this is... but i recently went to an allergy group for my other child, and meeting parents who just understood... it was amazing. I learnt so much. I would love to attend a similar thing for adhd, potentially dyslexia is playing a part too. I think just meeting other parents who have a child with additional needs, knowing you're not alone, sharing ideas and that creativity that is needed to problem solve... priceless.

I thought your post was worded in a really caring and thoughtful way. I wish all teachers were like you!

I'm a SEND parent and SEND teacher. Lots of good suggestions above. I would just add that I wish my son’s secondary could have simply been more understanding; to know that we were doing everything we could to get him to school and he was also trying his best. Like you say, kids might appear fine at school, but that's not necessarily true.

You obviously want to do the best for your pupils, which is honestly one of the most important things.

Less homework, no threats of sanction for anything, less verbal pressure, loads and loads and loads of praise, regular check-ins, an established escape strategy, time out of the classroom, being part of a small activity group (wellbeing, forest school, whatever) once a week at lunch, a time out space at break time, some sort of role (recycling monitor), seat beside a friend.

One thing that is super stressful is when the child can't advocate for themselves. Initiating action is really hard. If they have a red card to leave the classroom, or special permission to take a break, can they actually use it? Practising it when feeling ok is helpful, but it may not be enough. It feels like gaslighting to the child if teachers say "but he has xyz and he just doesn't use it" when he can't even explain that he can't, or why he can't, let alone actually do the thing. We never really solved this, except that he moved to an autism unit and somehow the LSAs there could read him literally from day 1 so he stopped needing the card. He slowly learned to communicate by spending a lot of time with them and having every attempt caught and acknowledged. Honour each and every attempt at communication, which might look like noncompliance, eg pushing chair back from desk to show that they can't do the work. If they are not writing much and you don't have time to unpick it with them, maybe contact parents and ask if they could talk to the child. There could easily be a really simple blocker that they cannot solve - a broken pencil, not knowing what a word means. As parents we have more time to talk to the child (mostly!) than you do, but we often don't know there is a problem until parents' evening and we see all the red traffic lights with "try to write more next time".

Ohhhh you sound like such a lovely teacher, actually wanting to know how to help these children who are so often overlooked and have their needs ignored because people either just don’t understand how significant their support needs are because of the masking, or don’t make them a priority because they aren’t being disruptive and hide all their distress inside.

I just wanted to say - having been to hell and back trying to get support in place for my children who are very much like the children you’re describing - how grateful that I am that teachers like you are in the profession and do care and want to help them. They really, really need it. Mainstream schools ultimately aren’t the right setting for these children but sadly there just aren’t schools that are appropriate for them to go to, and just knowing staff do care about them and aren’t dismissive of their needs makes a huge difference to them.

I’m too exhausted right now to reply in a more detailed way to you actual questions with specific things that could be done to help them to cope better (very unhelpful, I’m sorry) but I will, probably tomorrow if I can. But in the meantime I just wanted to say thank you for caring - what they need most of all is more teachers like you.

Visual timetables, warnings of changes, time out card if things get too much. Sensory circuits or something like daily mile as the exercise will help them regulate. Being clear in expectations, concrete instructions/examples (so show what a finished product should look like or be explicit about how much work you expect, two sentences or a whole page for example). Be aware of sensory difficulties, is it too noisy, are certain noises difficult to tolerate (warning of fire drills is helpful for some students), maybe anything messy is stressful, people in their personal space or bumping touching them actually feels painful, paints might be unbearably smelly, lights too bright etc. Maybe a comfort toy from home might help with anxiety. Social stories around moving class/year, detailing who their new teacher is, changes to routines, pics of the new classroom etc. This could be employed across lots of new activities/changes/for trips. Alternative communication methods employed across the whole class (like writing answers on a mini whiteboard and holding it up). Be aware that some children meltdown and some shutdown and when they're at the point you've missed the boat to regulate them and they won't take in anything you say. Very quiet children may have selective mutism, don't pressure them to speak or ask them answer class questions unless they volunteer too. Fidget toys may help. Knowing they have a safe adult who will listen to them and not be dismissive. Overall believe what the child tells you, if they feel safe enough to share that's a privilege. Ask parents as they usually know best what will help (but sometimes, especially early on we can be a bit lost too so just an understanding non judgemental teacher goes a long way and you sound exactly like that).

Agree with this too. Some children cannot use any method that requires them to 'make the first move' or that will single them out from others and draw attention to them. Whole class approaches work better for my children. Like if they need a short break, everyone has a 2 min break mid lesson to get up and have a drink.

Build a relationship with them.

I'm a teacher and also a mum to a SEND DC. The training bangs on about certain fonts, check lists, time outs etc. When actually, my 20+ years of teaching it is honestly the relationship you have with that DC.

My department buck the trend at our school with our SEND students data. We don't do anything extra in terms of all the training (in fact, I definitely don't regularly meet them all).

But I have a great relationship with those kids. I have taken the time to know them. I know what makes them tick. I can spot signs they aren't coping etc. Not just me, I think my whole department is fabulous at this. but if I've used the wrong font I get slated despite my data

I've actually raised this more than once. I get a smile like that's obvious. Those in SLT including the senco have absolutely no bloody idea what I'm on about (despite thinking they are doing what I've said).

I teach a core subject at secondary. It certainly isn't known nationally as being a subject students with challenges would excel in. But ours LIKE the subject and really LIKE their teachers. I don't just mean ask them about football etc. Really work on building trust and use humour. Invest in them.

My DD holds grudges 🙄. But if she thinks you've got her back, she will go the extra mile for you even if you've dropped the font, forgot the check list etc. Because she's also interested in you and your subject. She wants to please you by doing well. She also knows if she messes up (I don't mean academically) you won't judge and it's forgotten quickly and doesn't damage the relationship.

My child is very not fine in school (it's also only been 4 days - we're not in the UK) so not sure I am the right person to ask. But feeling a bit buried in this system at the moment, wanting to do the best for everyone (DS and the teacher and the other children) and feeling a bit useless - communication and clarity about the actual paths to various things would be huge.

The main thing for me is that I've been asking for help and support since he was tiny and basically nobody can give me any useful information. I don't know if the UK system is any more joined up (I assume not TBH) but our nursery didn't give me any helpful guidance about whether or not he was likely to cope with mainstream school, the school were not much help in that I was promised an individual meeting with the teacher before he started but this then didn't happen and I was told I could speak to them at the info evening (with 30 other parents there! This was not a helpful suggestion). I didn't know how to condense all his needs into a 2 minute aside at the end and basically came across as an anxious, over-worrying parent, and was (kindly) reassured, which didn't make me feel like they were taking me seriously. He has a diagnosis of ADHD, but his doctor just said let's make an appointment for December to discuss how school is going. Well December now looks very far away. They didn't give us any helpful advice on how to deal with the meltdowns at home either. Just "Read a book about ADHD" err... OK thanks... I already have but y'know. I'll keep trying. Occasionally I mention something to a friend and they say "You should go back to the doctor!" but I told the doctor about this months ago and they didn't seem overly concerned.

Some parents will be asking you for help because they have nothing and they are desperately trying to approach any angle at all which might help things for their child. I've had a bit more experience than most people at the point DS is at because of my older child and my own ADHD and a coincidental interest in psychology/learning/behaviour/child development, so I can see some patterns with him but these have only recently really started to emerge clearly. If I didn't have that background, I probably wouldn't be able to tease out what the patterns even are, much less articulate them to somebody who may not be versed in the shortcuts I've come to think about things. My own ADHD makes it hard to organise my thoughts verbally - I am much more articulate in text, where I can jump back and forth, and particularly my verbal communication goes to complete pot when I feel emotional about something. I've started to just pre-prepare written communication now because of this issue but I can't tell how this comes across.

And TBH I don't even know if trying to target these patterns specifically will be enough. I think he actually needs more 1:1 attention, which they have said they'll put in an application for so fingers crossed - but again, this was something I didn't even realise was applicable or could have been offered. I now wonder whether it would have been possible to get this in place in advance, which would have set him up SO much more for success.

SENDCast podcast is often brilliant - I would definitely recommend listening to that. They often have some really useful suggestions which sound more universal than individual.

The biggest thing is dont presume their all the same, talk to the child, get to know them dd has always been much better with teachers that talk to her on a level that is higher than her age and only about her education 'because thats what your paid for' , ds would rather you only talk to him about his specialist subject both have needed different approaches.
Be aware of the demands being put on them,
Be aware of literal interpretation,
If appropriate let them know that you’re aware of how much work they’re exerting to just be there,
Don't overlook them (because they are behaving so well -their rule followers and dont understand why you aren't rewarding them for always being good but Fred who manages to sit still for 5 minutes in assembly because he's been promised extra playtime gets star of the week),
Don't sit them next to the 'naughty ' child so my child can show them how to behave, its exhausting and distracting,
Don't sit them next to a child who is struggling academically with verbal explanation that my child can be mini teacher and help (they'll take that literally and become mini teacher which will stress them out),
Ask the child what they think they can manage eg can they be picked on to answer a question without warning because if the child thinks all day that a teacher might put them on the spot they are going to stress out all day, best to work out with child whats best (dd had a piece of card on her desk she'd turn it to green if she was happy, red if not happy to answer questions).
The fact you are asking probably means you already are aware of what kind of things help. We honestly need more teachers like you.

The point about relationship is SO true.

DS comes across like a totally different child to adults who spend time getting to know him one on one. I know that a class teacher doesn't have loads of time to invest in one to one attention, but he REALLY struggles to get to know an adult in a setting where the adult is attending to several other children at once. If they could spend 30 minutes with him one time, near/before the first time they met as a class, or 5-10 minutes every so often it would make a huge difference. He actually warms to people incredibly quickly when he sees them 1-1. Whereas as one of several children in a class he quickly gets overwhelmed and his stress behaviours are highly disruptive and reaction-seeking which tends to make him extremely unappealing (and I can see this! I'm not blind and I'm not immune to the annoyance either).

To a lot of adults they form a negative opinion of him in a very short time and then it's like he can sense this and he closes off to them and it's just game over.

Obviously if they're fine at school you're doing a great job as a teacher....😀

Create a network for kids who will be considerate. Create a culture of tolerance and caring. My child is visually and hearing impaired and the patience her friends have shown her is incredible.

From my experience as an ND parent of a high masking ND child, and a school governor, firstly, thank you for taking the time to ask this question.

id say most of the interventions you might offer a more disruptive child would also be beneficial for a child who is masking - the problem is that it’s harder for you to recognise when they need them, and they find it harder to tell you.

honestly, the teacher who made the most difference for my dc was the one who took the time to build a relationship with her. Because of that relationship, my dc was able to open up to her about what she needed, and equally her teacher was more able to spot when she was struggling and offer help early.

the other thing is to follow through on what you agree, because if you put something in place but don’t follow it up then you will lose any trust with them. eg if you offer use of communication cards, then make sure you take opportunities to check in on them - they might not be waving them around in the air, they might just put them on their desk and hope that you’ll see them.

I’m sure you’ll have lots of responses, and probably all different suggestions, but I hope that you’ll find the thread helpful, even if you can’t do everything!!

My thing would be to notice when the quieter ones are quieter than normal. My son was relatively quiet at primary school. He has struggles but he has them quietly and the staff barely noticed him. As a result, he never really felt truly comfortable. He’s now at a secondary school that put so much into building relationships, that he’s confident and loud and is able to express it when he needs support.

100%. I'm sure teachers try to do this with every child, and I wouldn't even know how to do it with so many different children, but relationship building and being "emotionally safe adults" was a huge part of the help my son received in his autism unit.

Also it's a bit trendy at the moment but watch out for the fawn stress response as "fight, flight or fawn". I'm not sure whether it's scientific, but it's an interesting characterisation of how a child can be both distressed and compliant. Are they too keen for gold stars? Do they never put a foot wrong? Do they keep quiet and shrink away when someone hurts or wrongs them? I think these children can be helped a lot by a teacher noticing the behaviour and offering validation, reassurance or a script. Saying "I see you", I suppose, in these moments.. Always difficult in a class of 30 I'm sure.

What a silly comment. It is this ignorance which is exactly why children who mask at school suffer so much.

When you fill in the ECP Care Plan,
Please do it with the parent and get there input.
This is what will go to the GP and often if a child masks in school, it will say very mild or sometimes or occasionally
The Care plan can have huge effects on the outside of school support.
Im not saying lie ofcourse but please sit and talk to the parent and also the child (if appropriate)

You are clearly are very caring and a great teacher- thank you! I have an 8 year old who masks at school and lets it all out at home! I am only just learning about all the things that can be done at school but for me the biggest thing is being listened to and communication.

For the last 2 years I have been asking for help and have been told by teachers “he’s fine” or “we will keep an eye on him”. It was only last May at the end of year 3 when his masking slipped a bit and his behaviour changed that I was listened to and put in touch with the SEN lead, I sent her aome
videos and everything changed. We’ve been reffered to MHST, we had a meeting with his
new teacher and the SEND lead last week. This was so important to me as instead of feeling lost and that DS was so behind and having to wait for a 10 minute parents evening almost a term in we now have a clear plan on his support at school and at home. For example at the meet the teacher day we were told we should be reading 20 mins per day and practicing times tables. DS is so resistant to anything at home. I now know that his maths is good, his reading is OK and the biggest concern is his writing so I know what to focus on. I also could tell the teacher he hides his book at school to avoid reading at home! These small things have made a world of difference to us. Especially as I work and drop off / pick up once a week so I don’t get much time to chat to the teacher informally.

For me it’s understanding that if they are “fine at school” and you accept they are masking then it’s actually understanding if they are masking they aren’t “fine”. It’s finding what level of support they need to manage without masking.

yoo can do whole class stuff such as visual timetable and movement breaks throughout the day as well as individualised stuff such as a personal timetable on the desk (can be easier to follow. Fidget toys allowed. Ear defenders if the environment is too noisy. Zones of regulation.

I think the most important thing though is recognising there’s a problem if they get out of school and explode and a willingness to support which you have.

My daughters school did 1hr lesson followed by 20min break