To be a teacher asking for help from parents of children with SEND?

[sendhelpaboutsend]

If you have a child with additional needs that masks very effectively at school and then becomes very dysregulated when they get home, what do you wish school would do to help? Or what do they do that you have seen has a helpful impact?

I am a primary teacher with a number of parents that are pleading for help in school.

I have seen countless posts and videos from parents of children with SEND that are furious when schools say, “they’re fine at school”, and I know I am guilty of saying this - not because I don’t want to help or don’t believe how much these kids struggle at home, but because I genuinely don’t know how to help kids with things that I only see as appearing to be coping well.

We are a very nurturing school. We have an amazing ELSA and a dedicated sensory room, we use some standing desks for children that like or benefit from them, I use visuals and reduced language, I give task lists. We are trauma informed, dyslexia friendly, have regular ASC and ADHD training…

Ultimately though, we are a mainstream school. There are sensory things which will impact some kids, there are curriculum, cognitive or language demands that impact some.

There are barely enough adults in school to support the children with demanding behaviours and needs that do present in school, never mind the ones that don’t but I want to know what I can do to try.

So, if you think there is anything that has or would help your child…please help.

This.
Try to learn them so you can see what they can't say. My problem with my child is that he can't speak up at school. He comes home having held it together all day and says at least I can,tell you.

I think you’re already doing better than half the teachers we know if you understand that “fine in school” is masking rather than the SEN needs therefore being a parenting issue.

I agree with a lot of the suggestions above, I’d also say try some of the supports which you would give more disruptive children and then ask the parents if there has been an improvement. Wobble cushion, theraband etc. Anything you would usually use to get the stress out in school instead of it staying inside. Educational psychologist reports are very useful for these children if you’ve got a good one.

The pp who has mentioned paperwork makes a very very good point. You can’t lie obviously but you can write about the masking etc - ask parents to come in and discuss paperwork together. Diagnosis is much much more challenging when you have a child who masks and therefore only presents in one setting.

Other parents who I know have also found quiet drop off and pick ups really helpful - ie arrive 5 minutes late, leave 5 minutes early - and that that seems to reduce the coke bottle effect a bit.

Ask the parent how they are? And really listen to the answer?

I don't know if anyone's done research into it but I reckon divorce among parents of SEN kids is above average as bringing up an SEN child and battling a mostly uncaring and oblivious system is tough on adult relationships. You wouldn't think so to meet me (I'm a secondary school teacher) but I was suicidal on and off when my DC was upper primary age.

When my child is distressed, he goes very introverted, withdrawn, into his own little world in his head. It's like he has a superpower to block out the rest of the world. Teachers see this and tell me things like "he's happy with his own company." He won't communicate that he's upset or complain like another child would. I sometimes wish his teachers could see him at the weekend playing with his cousins. He can absolutely have friendships and be engaged and social, he just withdraws at school. Then explodes at home.

My advice is just to bear in mind that children with SEN display emotions in different ways than nt children and not to assume they're OK because they're not crying or kicking off.

Thanks for asking this question ❤️

I would ask parents what is triggering their behaviours at home and take it from there. Are they hangry? If so, bring a snack when you pick them up. If they go home in the car, have their favourite calming music on ready, and don’t question them about their day - give them time to decompress. Do they find reading a chore? If so, don’t pressure them to read their reading book every night - read the book to them instead. Similarly spellings - most children hate learning them and hate spelling tests - take the pressure off and don’t force them to do spelling tests (teachers that is). If your school insists on homework, try to find a time when it can be done calmly at home. If a child refuses to do it at home or it causes a meltdown, teachers don’t make a big deal of it. I send homework home because it’s our school policy, but if a child doesn't complete it I don’t make a big deal of it; keep it low key! If they don’t like being made to wear a uniform, get them to change into something comfy as soon as they get in.
Teachers: before the end of the day, get all your children to think of one thing that has gone well that day and share with a friend - ‘today I managed to finish my maths”, “today I played with my friends at break time”, “today I was brave when I fell over”. I do this every day with my class, 5 minutes at home time.

My DC both have complex trauma histories. Things that helped in school were clear expectations from teachers, giving examples of what they need to do. Don’t underestimate the impact of small changes - eg time for gym changes because something else needed done. It can’t be helped but my DD would need someone to explain that to her because the change would make her anxious thinking she had done something to make it happen.

Calm classrooms without too many wall displays or visible resources. The visual stimulation of having so much stuff around the classroom was really distracting. Think about where kids sit in the classroom. Both my DC were very hyper vigilant, so sitting next to the window was hopeless, they’d sense every movement in the playground and become anxious because they didn’t know if X movement was something safe or not. Sitting in the middle of the class meant they could focus better.

Regular movement breaks helped too - my DDs teacher would give her a job to do eg taking a message to the office, so she had a reason to walk round the school. And know where their safe space is, and go with it. My DDs safe space was the toilet, the school initially tried to find somewhere nicer for her when she needed time out, but she had chosen the toilet for good reason, when they accepted her choice of what felt safe she was much happier.

Don't keep them in at playtime to do homework that they couldn't do as they were having a meltdown about being kept in at playtime yesterday for not doing homework.

Do not expect them to stay on task themselves. They need support. (Thank you Mr P) But not trouble for it. Actual support.

I agree with this as well. Taking away a breaktime from a child that needs breaks is counter-productive.

For my DC it was acknowledging what their needs were and identifying them, which was through a mix of me, them and the teacher discussing what was difficult, as well as professional assessment. Little things that have really helped include fiddle toys, a wobble cushion and regular movement breaks (for my DC, that comes through being a book monitor - no resource to implement, really helps him, very clever teacher that year).

And the biggest thing was him having a couple of friends rather than being bullied - tackling bullying effectively, especially when it’s on a regular basis, even if the individual incidents are low-level, is very important.

Look for the signs we are telling you are there. Stop telling her off for the symptoms you are claiming you don’t see.

We saw the forms my DDs school filled in for her ADHD assessment and they’d just ticked no to most of it. I watched her at sports day jumping around like a loon waiting her turn (all the other year six kids were queuing nicely), but apparently the teachers didn’t notice. And they kept telling her off for not having paid attention if she didn’t know what she was supposed to be doing in lessons. She was trying really hard to pay attention, but she just forgets as soon as the explanation is finished. They did give her a fidget toy in primary though, whereas her new secondary school are now telling her off for fidgeting 🤦‍♀️

I’m placing marking as I have a child who Language and Communication team describe as an incrediably high masker. I will come back later.

Inform us of incidents that happen during the school day, don't assume there's no need to tell us because the child seemed 'fine' afterwards. They may seem fine, but when they come home and explode and can't articulate why, it's helpful for us to have some context.

Coming back again to add another thing - sorry OP, it's just such a good question. Have the library open at break if you possibly can, or some other quiet area so students are not forced out into a noisy playground. Not just those who have been specially identified and given access to a sensory room or whatever - arguably things have already broken for these children. For every one of those there might be several who need a lighter touch "sensory break", and they can self manage with the right opportunity.

This would also be a good place for a sympathetic teacher or support staff to make a connection with these students.

Don't assume dyslexic children are stupid! You would be amazed how many people in education think as you cant read or spell you are stupid and dont know anything. Often dyslexic children have amazing gifts in art/sports/science etc...... but also its a spectrum. Average children are dyslexic, very intelligent children are dyslexic and less intelligent children are also dyslexic.

Listen to parents when we say they are struggling with homework at home due to burn out etc..... dyslexic children have to work ten times harder than a non dyslexic child to get the same results. They are exhausted when they get home.

Our school runs SEND coffee mornings for the parents of SEND children, with guest speakers on different aspects of SEND - one per term.
The parents learn so much from the speakers (and the resources they signpost) and the staff learn so much about their children, directly from the parents in a safe space.
Our SENDCo organises the mornings with the Lead Governor for SEND.

Thank you for all the suggestions. Lots of things here that are already in place, but some ideas to think about or incorporate.