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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about DD's Christening and IL's?

74 replies

MissingMyHeels · 03/06/2008 10:41

My IL's spend 2 months of the summer abroad, we had planned to get DD Christened in July/Aug - for various reasons if we don't do it in those months then it will need to be next year (or year after). Plus I really wanted it done when she is a baby.

However, IL's won't fly back for Christening as they don't want to leave cat and apparently have no neighbours who can keep an eye on him. AIBU to think my DD should be more important than a cat??

OP posts:

Original poster

MissingMyHeels · 03/06/2008 11:32

Thanks cheeset - I need it!

OP posts:

hayley2u · 03/06/2008 11:33

stick to your guns chick, hopefuly your dp knows how unreasonable his parents are being?

jellybeans · 03/06/2008 11:37

I think mabe they could rearrange or go abit later if they want to go christening. Otherwise everyone in the family isn't allowed to make plans every July/Aug which is the time when alot of people want weddings etc.

nametaken · 03/06/2008 11:57

YABU

ecoworrier · 03/06/2008 12:09

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to arrange a date which suits your immediate family and your baby's godmother best. You have to do what's best for you.

Equally though, your in-laws are not being unreasonable to not want to come back to England given this is a long-standing arrangement.

So if they are unable or unwilling to come back, you should stick to your guns and go ahead with the ceremony. But do so with good grace and don't bear a grudge against them or think they don't think much of their grandchild. Equally, they shouldn't take it personally, if they don't attend just be gracious and say 'that's a real shame, we would have loved you to come'.

Hopefully, they will be able to go along with your compromise, and just go on their holiday a week later, that sounds eminently sensible. Given that they go away for 2 months every year, one week less shouldn't be an issue. I think you've done all that could reasonably be expected.

Original poster

MissingMyHeels · 03/06/2008 12:12

Sigh. They don't think that will be possible as they want a week there before SIL & hubby who are going for a week holiday arrive to settle in.

I would be fine with them missing it but they want us to change the date to sometime they can come - which is late next year/earl 2010!!

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ecoworrier · 03/06/2008 12:19

They don't seem very flexible at all. Why do they need a week to settle in, if they have weeks/months after your sister in law's visit to be on their own.

Let's face it, this isn't a once in a lifetime holiday or even a much-needed annual break of one or two weeks. They spend half the year abroad. I think if they can't compromise that tiny bit, by going abroad one week later, you shouldn't put yourself out too much to suit them.

Pick one of the dates that suits you - I would be tempted to choose the week before they'd planned to go away, simply because they 'could' make it if they really wanted to, so you're not being awkward or excluding them. Say that's the only possible alternative. No negotiation. Then just leave the ball in their court - if they decide they can make it, fine, if not that's fine too.

I assume your husband is with you on this one, and that it won't cause trouble between you?

Minum · 03/06/2008 12:26

My ILs flew back from hols to be at my sons christening, and I have done similar travel feats for other family members special events. YANBU. Enjoy the Christening whatever though, and dont let this spoil it.

Original poster

MissingMyHeels · 03/06/2008 12:29

DP thinks I should do the date which is the day before I go back to work. He doesn't understand why I won't do it despite my explaining!

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hayley2u · 03/06/2008 12:35

no then you ll have a whole load of new probs you l be stressed sorting babs for nrsery and etting ready for work ,

Flibbertyjibbet · 03/06/2008 12:36

You could be setting your self up for a lifetime of AIBU MIL threads at this rate.

I was born abroad. My dads sister and BIL were godparents but we had proxy. I never looked on anyone else as my godparents but auntie and uncle. Agree with previous poster that a Christening is about the baby and the priest. Anything else is just 21st Century unecessary partying which is incidental to the ceremony.

Speak to your bfriend, tell her its causing aggro with the inlaws and you don't want all this hassle for DPs sake. Find someone ie SIL to be the proxy.

I hope after all this that you are deeply religious and go to church every sunday otherwise you are making a big fuss out of something that doesn't even mean anything to you!

LazyLinePainterJane · 03/06/2008 12:40

The godmother is only available for one day between now and September?

morethanmum · 03/06/2008 12:56

Just get the baby dunked and be done with it! . Assuming they have met your dd and are not religious, do you/they really care about coming? If you want your baby to be brought up in a particular faith stop worrying about who can/ can't come and just turn up. (Am slightly fed up with whole borrowing a church for another party thing, sorry, know this probably doesn't apply to you). LOL.

Original poster

MissingMyHeels · 03/06/2008 13:02

No, Godmother can do all of July/Aug/beginning of Sept. She would be devastated to miss it, she booked a later trip so she could be here for it so I don't think she should miss out.

We do go to church every Sunday btw and I don't care who is there apart from Godparents and DD. They want to be here for it though so without really pissing them off it'll have to be day before I go back to work/she starts nursery

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morethanmum · 03/06/2008 13:06

No - that was my last point - do it for you and your relationship with the church, but just don't make it a biggie. Say sorry, but you have arranged and thought they would understand as it;'s not a big party, just a small ceremony. (just don't then hire a hall, marching band and all the neighbours...) Good luck going back to work.

katebee · 03/06/2008 13:12

I think that for the christening the key people who need to be there are the parents and godparents. However ideally one would want to have both sets of grandparents too.

I think your option of 1st week of sept would not be the end of the world in terms of your baby starting nursery and you going back to work. I suppose you have to work out whether it is more important for your grandmother to be there..in which case chose first possible date she and godparents can do, or your in laws in which case go for the weekend in september.

I assume there is no possibility of doing the christening in June before the in laws go away?

I think it would be too much to expect them to fly back from their hols for it. If the only date possible is within their hol period I would explain the situation to the in laws and they will unfortunately have to miss it.

Heifer · 03/06/2008 13:13

Is there any chance your church would christen your DD sometime this month, before ILs go on their hols?

tootiredtothink · 03/06/2008 13:18

If you do it on the day before you start work can your dp take the following day off work? At least then you will have him to get dd ready and to nursery so you just have yourself to get ready?

I do think you need to think longterm on this as you may have problems with your relationship with dp and il's if you are not willing to compremise somewhere. Remember as important as your bf is to you, his parents are to him.

As you knew they go away Jul/Aug then I do feel YABU - could you not have done it May/June?

NervousNervous · 03/06/2008 13:19

you are trying to please too many people here, it;s your daughters christening and to be honest i think its unfair your il's are being so difficult, you have tried your best to cater for their needs but if i was you i would just apologise if they can't make it and book it on the day you're happiest with, don't compromise for them seems as though they're making no effort to compromise themselves. good luck

LazyLinePainterJane · 03/06/2008 13:22

Can you not get it done at the end of this month?

Original poster

MissingMyHeels · 03/06/2008 20:25

No dates at end of this month. We're trying to book the day before I go back to work and DP is going to take the day off so he can do the nursery run etc.

Thanks tootired for that suggestion. ILs came back to me and said they will do an early date but FIL won't come and MIL will fly in alone. I want to aim for Sept date though as I would like my ILs to like me!!

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lizandlulu · 03/06/2008 20:50

i totally understand how you feel. my inlaws couldnt do the date that i had arranged because they were going away in a caravan about 10 miles away from their home and wasnt prepared to change that. that ment we couldnt have the christening at our chosen church where we was married and had to have it later than i really wanted. like you i wanted dd to be done as a baby, we had to have it done around the in laws when she was 11 months old.
it really upset me as they hadnt even booked the site or anything, it was something they usually did every year and didnt want to miss it.

so i do think yanbu and it is an important day, but maybe the day before you go back to work wont be so bad?
you will be building it up to be more stressful thatn it is. if you are organised for the monday morning you should be ok.
i presume the christening is daytime? and after party?? will only go on for a few hours, you will be home in time for tea.

dont stress

olivo · 04/06/2008 09:02

YAB a bit U in my opinion. i appreciate you want your friend there as GM but is it SO important that the PIL are there? Maybe they could go to church where they are and pray for your dd and your family?

i didnt expect my parents to fly over for my dd's christening, although my mum did choose to, and dd's GM couldnt be there but the vicar was fine with that. We didn't have a 'formal' christening though, it was part of the normal service, no 'do' afterwards, and dh's family came as they live over here. my family would, of course, have been welcome, but they dont live here.

Surely the most important thing is that your dd is introduced to God and welcomed in to the church?

good luck and enjoy the day, whatever happens.

tootiredtothink · 04/06/2008 11:59

Have a lovely day MissingMyHeels and good luck going back to work

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