Any advice on how to talk to my husband kindly

[EmberR]

I’ve been with my husband 6 years. Last few months have felt really hard we are just not on the same team. He’s not been very kind to me with things I’m upset about (when I’m crying he just doesn’t help / hug /console me). It hurts.

Also he is just so stubborn and thinks he’s right about everything. I am always apologising for my opinion and what I think. Things to do with money, our home, our child. I just get vetod all the time.

I really love him and he’s a good man. I just can’t find a way to bring this up positively. I either get upset and angry and ignore him (doesn’t help) or I try and raise it and he can’t see my perspective.

I’m sure this is a tale as old as time. But any advice please?

really love him and he’s a good man

This statement does not go with the rest of your post.
Maybe his nastiness is increasing.
Bring good sometimes is typical bully behaviour

Go talk to a counsellor on your own
Take a break away for the weekend

Not enough info here to know which of you is unreasonable, to be honest. Obviously the way you've written your post, I wouldn't be suggesting ways of how to talk to him more kindly, I'd be suggesting ways to more forcefully tell him to get a grip, but ...

How often are you crying for it to be a thing you note? If this is a regular thing, unless he's directly causing it, then perhaps the issue is you?

Can you give some examples?

I have sons, my relationship with Dh is really good so what I tend to do is play these types of videos to my young adult sons so that they understand that effective communication is the foundation of a good relationship.

Dh and I had marriage counselling very early on in our marriage after I was diagnosed with a life changing condition and neither of us knew how to handle our feelings on it. The counsellor was excellent so we can talk without feeling attacked.

This is basically what you are trying to say to your husband, maybe play him this. The whole channel is really good.

https://youtube.com/shorts/XvB9bCm0j6Y?si=E2QxPxr_6sgCUODo

Stop apologising
In early days with dh (he's a bloody stubborn bugger) Id say to him we will have to agree to disagree as thats my opinion

Oow I like him on fb

@Hankunamatata Jimmy's videos have even been featured by The Gottman Institute, another great relationship advice channel. His Love is Not Enough video is brilliant.

OP, his opinion is just his opinion it doesn't automatically mean it is right. It is just his way to do something or his way of thinking about money. But I think you apologise for an easy life and this has backfired on you as you are now capitulating to him as though he is king of the house.

Thanks for y your advice. Things I’ve been crying about are sad things that he should support me. I don’t think I’m being melodramatic. As an example our dog is old and dying. I was sobbing at the vet as they talked us through options. He didn’t hug me or comfort me.

The things I have an opinion on like where to invest our savings or what I want to do in the house. He just always thinks he is right and his opinion is the only opinion. Then I just apologise for having my own point of view

Why do you apologise OP?
Stand your ground in a polite way.

Has anything changed at hidnwork, is he more stressed than normal?
Talk to him as you would a good friend and mention how he feels distant, especially if this is new behaviour.

That's not ignoring your opinion, that is control and coercion.

Why discuss things - I’m not sure what you have to discuss - can you just do things your way?

Has he ever hugged or.consoled you? Some men are just not equipped to be that way - my OH is a good man but he just cant cope with big emotional displays. That said when our dog died he did give me a hug. If he used to console you - what's changed and why? If he never has then hes unlikely to change now.

Your opinions on house and savings are just as valid as his so I'd be standing my ground! Even if he still thinks hes right he can listen. Again has he always been like this or has he changed?

My OH has strong opinions and sometimes i just let him get on with it..but if I feel strongly about something I dont let his opinion dominate.

I think if you have a strong minded/willed/opinionated partner you do have to step up and learn to deal with them fornthings to work. As much as I'd love my OH to be more emotionally supportive he finds it hard (lomg story tough childhood trauma) so that's why I have built a group of fantastic friends.

This 👍

It sounds like you think that if you find the 'right' way to talk to your DH he'll start listening you. That's not correct. He doesn't want to hear what you're saying so he'll shut you down or ignore you no matter how you say it. Which leaves you stuck - either you put up with how he treats you or you leave. It's a shit position to be in.

Love Jimmy on relationships too :)

It's so hard.
My partner has 3 different responses to big emotions. To completely shut down in the moment and just go blank.
To sort of pet my back like a dog (think 30 rock with a broom)
Or to totally disregulate himself and need to claim down and come back sometimes my tears causes him to cry and he doesn't want me to see it

It's hard when you just want a hug or a few kind words and they just avoid / free or worse don't car wat all.

We had a big open chat this week about lots of things and I said kindly as part of that, sometimes you're hear doing practical things and I see how hard you're working and I respect you. But sometimes I don't care about the practical things, I just want a hug. Your here in body not head, and not heart. And that's what I need not the fix the problem, the what can I do? The let's do nothing together just for a few mins.

He was receptive. He's been boarding overwhelm and burnout for a while so it was in the context for that and me bej g worried about him but organically I needed to tell him he's having an impact on me too in a gentle kind way.

You can't change them though they have to want to try and change if they don't they won't. Doesn't sound like Hubz does.

:/

I don't think you need to work on being kind.
I think you need to work on being assertive!

It doesn't come naturally always but that's what I'd focus on :)
Practice makes perfect of you can start with something low priority he doesn't care about and work your way up. It's like saying NO it's building a muscle. Keep working at it.

Two yeses or it's a no.
Have research to back up your point of view.
I feel, or my research shows...

And also directive. Tell him in the moment what you need, don't expect it. "I need a hug. Can you give me a hug?" Sometimes they don't know what to do. But sometimes they are just AHs of you state your need clearly and they refuse then you know! Gentle assertive for what you need is ok!

What are you upset about / not agreeing on?

I think this is behaviour you need to tackle quickly and firmly - you don't want this becoming the new dynamic in your relationship. I would have a conversation where you have examples of his behaviour and you make it clear you aren't accepting it, discuss where this shift has come from and how its going to improve going forward.

Save your money independently in a separate account. Then invest as you see fit

I try and raise it and he can’t see my perspective.

He doesn't WANT to see your perspective.
He just wants his own way, and for you to shut up.

There is no tone of voice, no language, no words, no approach that you can use that will make him see your perspective if he doesn't want to.

You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around your own husband?? Or gentle parent him?! I'm not saying that both parties always agree in marriage, but there needs to be equity and give / take. I say argue the toss just like he does. If you're scared of doing this in case he reacts very badly, you know what the problem is. I wish you all the best.

I hope you take all the good advice about learning to be more assertive in your relationship OP. Apologising for your thoughts and opinions and trying to adjust your behaviour in the hope that he is kinder or more affectionate is a recipe for a lifetime of unhappiness. Don’t raise your child to think this is what a relationship looks like.

Thank you for your kind advice. It’s been very interesting to hear other people’s perspectives. I’ve had a chance to talk to my parents about how I’m feeling (bit contentious I know because I don’t want them to dislike him and I know there is two sides to every story) but I realised I do need to be more assertive. I can’t just sit back and apologise if I disagree with his opinion. On certain things I believe in I will stand my ground more.

I also need to tell him I need more comfort and support when or if I’m upset. He just needs to step up. I am sure it’s hard for him and there are reasons he feels he can’t when I’m crying. But I need more. So I have to ask for it.

How are you OP? Hope you're in a better place from when you posted.

Tell him that you're fed up of being dismissed and treated as stupid or incompetent and that you're letting him know now, because you have no interest in spending your whole life being spoken down to by a man. You aren't cinderella.

Life doesn't have to be shit, you know?
Tell him how you want to be treated and loved and let him try and win you back. Take your power back. This is your life.