Help me cope with my PIL

[Shininggglight]

I'm not really sure this is an AIBU. I'm looking for some advice around how to not feel so negatively towards my PIL, particularly MIL. They are on the whole nice people who love their family, and my DH and DS love them. However, since DS was born (he's now 4) she has made comments, mainly aimed at me, about our parenting. It seems like everything I do with DS or the way I want to bring him up, is not how she would do it. Granted she is never pushy about it, but it's been going on so long that just the thought of her being around DS fills me with rage and dread (10 times worse if I'm not around). We explicitly did not want DS to eat cake/sweets as a toddler and she did everything in her power to always mention it around him, comments like just you wait til you're at Gran's, oh I can see you're eyeing up this chocolate cake, he wants a bit mum. Even now he's older and we allow sweet treats, it's still in moderation, but now it's like utter glee on her face any time cake is around so she can try and give him huge slabs of it after us saying no he's already had a piece. She will openly talk about things she did with her other son's DC because she knew best according to her (after being asked not to). I just don't understand it. She is very much what happens at Grans stays at grans, my job is to spoil grandkids. When DS was a baby she outright said there are some things parents say that she would not go along with when they're out of sight, as some things she knows best about. That is absolutely not the relationship we want her to have with DS. On the rare occasion DH has called her out she said she is joking but then always justifies herself anyway. I feel like I can't really trust her and tbh I never really ask her to babysit for this reason. I know I shouldn't but I compare her to my own mum and she would never behave in that way. My brother and SIL also have a baby and my mum is very respectful, always ask how she should do things, took them cooked meals over, picked up little gifts for the baby. As I said though, they are very nice people on the whole but I just can't stand them, and I need to accept that DS needs and deserves a relationship with them so I would never stop them visiting. So my question... Any self help books out there, words of wisdom, hypnosis???

Your MIL doesn't actually sound that nice if she is constantly saying provocative things about how you are raising your child and how she will go behind your back to feed your child sugary rubbish if she ever gets the chance to do this without you being there.

Can your DH have a word with her and explain that what she is doing/saying is counter-productive and it will just make it less likely that you will leave her on her own with your child as you can't trust her to follow your entirely sensible rules?

I think you feel undermined by her. That in the grand scheme of things, having extra cake and sweets when with her isn’t that terrible but you just wish she’d let you know that what you’re requesting is ok and she respects your decision.
can you have a chat with her, let her know how her comments make you feel. Just simply, when she says it just reply, I’m really struggling with you always making these comments. It feels like you don’t care about my feelings. When she replies , I’m joking or it isn’t said like that , tell her but that’s how it’s coming across and landing for me.
accept that when she looks after your child some rules will be broken but your child will be loved and having such fun.

This is very very hard.

i would recommend having 3/4 counselling sessions targeting this and ask the counsellor to help you set boundaries and coping methods for the time you spend around them.

me and my SIL have spend decades struggling with PIL. It’s had a very detrimental impact on our emotional health and marriages. Don’t underestimate how hard this is to deal with.

I also should have added, DH has properly called them out only once via text. MIL didn't reply for 2 days because she said she was so upset, never did get an apology but a big sob story about how bad we made her feel and she doesn't see DS enough.

Also DS has a disability so I am naturally more careful with him (probably OTT at times I'll admit) but you would think they would take that into consideration. He has private medical bills that we've never had any help with (of course I do not expect this in any way and do not want to sound like that, the only reason I'm adding this is that they bought a whole house for other son because they had financial struggles! Also pay for their other son's DCs swimming lessons and costumes for gymnastics - we've had nothing and DS has started football club). It honestly feels like if they don't get their own way and get to parent our child the way they want to, then we don't get help with things. I know that is petty and not really a big issue, it just feels like a whole load of things that just make me not like them! And I would love nothing more than to actually like them and trust them!

My (eventual) counsellor helped me realise that in laws caused conflict, drama and distraction to avoid dealing with their own emotions. It’s learnt behaviour and at their age with their lack of insight won’t be unlearned

possibly, with you if it’s started with your son it might relate to their inability to deal with their emotions around your sons disabilities. They’ve decided to focus on something comparatively silly (sugar) and cause drama about it to avoid dealing with their own feelings about the situation.

I know it gets trotted out here a lot but you have a DH problem. Assuming he’s bought into your beliefs then he needs to say ‘parents we’ve made it clear we don’t want DS having three slices of cake but one is fine, please respect our boundaries’. I have to do it with my parents!

My MIL passes comment on how we raise DS and all the things she doesn’t agree with but opinions are like arseholes- everyone has one! She doesn’t think DS should have a Switch, cool that’s for her to think and me to decide on as his parent. I just ignore her ramblings most of the time, with the occasional oh ok I feel differently.

Also from my own experience, comparison is the thief of joy. SIL gets loads of childcare from MIL, we get none. She’s getting more in her inheritance, and gets holidays paid for now. Yeah it’s unfair but I can’t control it. What I do know is that there will be some iron clad boundaries about how much we will do when MIL is elderly and needs our help.

OP what would happen if when she says she'll not follow your rules when you aren't around, you said "well that's why you won't be having him by yourself"? Just wondering if

Alternatively, if you already don't use her for childcare, her comments about what she'll do when you aren't around are irrelevant. If your husband backs you and he only has the amount of cake you are happy with (if she cuts a big piece, take the plate away, cut what you're happy with and give that to him), it doesn't really matter.

I'm not saying this to say you're unreasonable finding it annoying, but if the end result is what you want happens, maybe it's not worth getting annoyed about? I struggle with this too but if I get to do what I want, I'm trying to let comments wash over me instead.

The language in your OP was very telling. Lots of “I” and no mention of your DH’s input or views (and after 4+ years he should absolutely have some). If how his mother speaks to you isn’t an issue for him, and he doesn’t care about who is caring for DC and what happens when he is there, then you’re fighting a losing battle.

Your update confirms this. In 4+ years how many times have you voiced your upset? And he’s supported you once. Once. Why is that? Does he disagree with what you are unhappy about, or does he not care enough to cut the apron strings and support you, his wife, because it’s the easier option. You being upset doesn’t matter as much as his mother not being upset. Think about that.

You need to find some assertiveness.

The “DH” problem is complex in that he’s grown up with the mother and learnt his own, unconscious ways of coping and they take time and work to be unpicked

But you can’t unpick someone else’s issues. They have to want to unpick them.

And he might want to, he might not.
There is a nuance here that “you have a DH problem” does nothing to help.
OP has to think about what she can control, what she can live with and where her boundaries are. Just Telling DH what he needs to do may be entirely ineffective.

@Cannedlaughter yes this is it, it's the feeling undermined that is bothering me. You're right that at the end of the day some extra sugar isn't that big of a deal, it's just her manner and feeling like she doesn't care what we think. I don't really feel like I could speak to her tbh.

@Bambamhoohoo thank you I'm glad you understand and I'm sorry you've been through that. SIL warned me about this behavior when our DS was days old, she said it took her a long time to get her husband to see how unacceptable it was. It's never been mentioned again and not really something I feel I could bring up now.

She sounds absolutely awful.
I wouldn't want to be around her, much less my child.

@Anxioustealady yes I think you're right that it's best to just ignore it all, I suppose that was partly what I was looking for with this post was around self help and coping strategies to help me do this! I also would like to be able to trust her and have her help out with childcare, it's just difficult to get to that point honestly. I spoke to her one to one when DS was a baby and I explained to her my anxieties in general about baby and having a tough time letting him be minded by anyone - 1:1 she actually comes across so understanding and supportive, but then it all changes when it's not just the 2 of us having a serious conversation. I find it extremely hard to even think about having another chat with her because I know how upset she would be and it would all be explained as a joke.

Have you ever said point blank,” Mil, it’s difficult for me to trust you when you say these things. After all, this is MY child, not yours.”

@AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti I wouldn't say it's a DH problem. I think he's in a difficult situation because he loves his mother and doesn't want to upset her, so would rather avoid it. Not saying I agree with that but I can understand that approach. I think he believes that everything is said in jest and that nothing she is saying or suggesting is actually that bad, which makes it difficult because we're not on the same page at times. I haven't mentioned anything to him about it in a long time because I would rather just get on with life, and learn to tolerate them. I would hate to feel like my parents were being difficult and having to address it is tough. I'm just so glad my own parents are nothing like this.

@Overtheatlantic honestly no - DH has though and it was laughed off as all in jest. Which I think he does believe to an extent. I worry that it's me being unreasonable, although I don't really think I am. I just want to learn ways to let it all wash over me, learn to get on with it and trust that DS won't be around them too often unsupervised for it to be an issue.

But he’s fine with you being upset……….

You need to make that a problem for him else this will be the status quo forever.

It is frustrating. I’d try to ignore for the most part. Let her crack on, she doesn’t babysit so chances of her forcing cake down his neck are slim. If she involves your dc I’d say, please don’t tease dc it’s not fair on him. And make sure your dh backs you.

😂😂

yeah so she is sending digs woman style! Arf…

You have a husband problem.
He would rather this time was spoiled for YOU, by his pain in the arse mother, than deal with it.

YOUR problem is that as you age, YOU will see this very differently, and realise it was your weak husband that put his awful mother first, and YOU paid the price.

YOU will be pissed off, YOU will resent him for it.
Have a rethink about this.

Too many women bitterly resent their husbands for their earlier selfishness by choosing the quiet life for THEM.....instead of supporting their wives.

They wonder then why their wives get the total ick and go off sex.

Weak, selfish men, kill a women's libido, SO quickly.

Ugh, this type of undermining you is horrible. Be strong OP and stick to your guns about your parenting. DH also needs to man up more with his mum.

I would stop facilitating contact. Leave it to your DH to do this. Be busy. Take a step away - the interaction upsets you which isn’t good for your child. Don’t allow you son to be left alone. People may think is harsh but life is short. Enjoy your peace.

I had to deal with this exact scenario. I used to get angry and the thought of going there but I also knew how much they loved my kids. I’m glad I never fell out with them over it but I also wish I’d stood up for myself a bit more rather than getting home and taking it out on DH. You can be polite about it, just stand up to her in a calm way.