Help me cope with my PIL

[Shininggglight]

I'm not really sure this is an AIBU. I'm looking for some advice around how to not feel so negatively towards my PIL, particularly MIL. They are on the whole nice people who love their family, and my DH and DS love them. However, since DS was born (he's now 4) she has made comments, mainly aimed at me, about our parenting. It seems like everything I do with DS or the way I want to bring him up, is not how she would do it. Granted she is never pushy about it, but it's been going on so long that just the thought of her being around DS fills me with rage and dread (10 times worse if I'm not around). We explicitly did not want DS to eat cake/sweets as a toddler and she did everything in her power to always mention it around him, comments like just you wait til you're at Gran's, oh I can see you're eyeing up this chocolate cake, he wants a bit mum. Even now he's older and we allow sweet treats, it's still in moderation, but now it's like utter glee on her face any time cake is around so she can try and give him huge slabs of it after us saying no he's already had a piece. She will openly talk about things she did with her other son's DC because she knew best according to her (after being asked not to). I just don't understand it. She is very much what happens at Grans stays at grans, my job is to spoil grandkids. When DS was a baby she outright said there are some things parents say that she would not go along with when they're out of sight, as some things she knows best about. That is absolutely not the relationship we want her to have with DS. On the rare occasion DH has called her out she said she is joking but then always justifies herself anyway. I feel like I can't really trust her and tbh I never really ask her to babysit for this reason. I know I shouldn't but I compare her to my own mum and she would never behave in that way. My brother and SIL also have a baby and my mum is very respectful, always ask how she should do things, took them cooked meals over, picked up little gifts for the baby. As I said though, they are very nice people on the whole but I just can't stand them, and I need to accept that DS needs and deserves a relationship with them so I would never stop them visiting. So my question... Any self help books out there, words of wisdom, hypnosis???

That op,

you need to make it a dh problem.

I would have a firm talk with her. Explain how you like to do things with YOUR child and tell her that you expect the same from her.

What if the child’s other parent is absolutely fine with how his parents do things?

I'm a mil and my dil does not send my ds as a diplomatic envoy if she has a problem.
She tells me straight and I appreciate that and mostly we get on well. I learn, I do better and sometimes so does she.

My sil though grumbles to dd and then she has a go at me. It's not a good approach because he gives dd his side of the story with no context and then I have to tell dd how I saw things.

So if you have a problem with pil's please be honest at the time. A complaint by text just upsets everyone.

You realise your PIL’s are narcassists right?

her treating one child differently to the other, so your DH is constantly trying to measure up… her constant undermining of you and then when called out she plays the victim and doesn’t take any accountability for her part….

Sorry but I’m not one to pussy foot around and would call her out each and everytime she undermines you! When she mentions the bloody cake just say ‘you know our rules, please do not undermine us!!’ If she takes offence simply say ‘please don’t act like I’ve done anything except ask you to respect our wishes!!’
Your DH needs to have long hard think about his boundaries!!

And what’s wrong with healthy treats? Ask her to provide grapes, raspberries etc for your son.

but why would the MIl do that? If it were that simple this would’ve been resolved years ago. I’m sure MIL knows about grapes. She’s trying to bait OP and destabilise her