Husband using me for my wages only

[ThatNaiceBrickGuide]

Am I the one being used here ?
married 20 years, husband had an internet affair 10 years ago and gave me an STD. Our intimacy dwindled 15 years ago as he didn’t seem to want me after our son was born. After the STD I tried to forgive him to keep our family together but I get no sex, affection or even hugs from him now. About 7 years ago I seperated our finances as I didn’t feel secure in the relationship. I agreed to bring them together last year if he could show me I was more than just a pay cheque to him. He hasn’t done anything so I haven’t paid all my money into our joint account. I pay in about 4-8k a month depending on what other things I have to pay - like I pay for my own car, credit cards, food , presents , child’s spending money of $600 a month etc.
My husband refuses to give me any affection or love so I just don’t feel secure enough to put in my wages every month.
He days unless I pay my wages in then I don’t deserve affection.
He used the one time I called him a nasty name as the reason he won’t give me affection yet I do everything for him.
I remind him that I put up with an STD and years of infidelity to save our family but now he’s saying he will leave unless I start paying all my wages into the joint account and I’m being financially manipulative and breaking the law as it’s abuse

Other than the STD/cheating, this sounds like a reverse. ‘Affection’ is something men use to mean sex. 9 times out of 10 they don’t mean any kind of loving intimacy other than PIV. An especially common complaint when a woman’s given birth that they’re suddenly being ignored (as opposed to priorities obviously adjusting).

I don’t think withholding money unless you get sex is okay. You entered into a financial life partnership when you got married. I think if a man came on and said my wife won’t shag me so I’m withholding my wages from the joint account there’d be quite a strong reaction!

That said, you don’t sound like you really like this person much and you’re not getting what you want out of the relationship. If you can afford £4-8k a month into the joint account you can afford to live alone. So just leave. I don’t think there’s any valor in staying in a relationship you’re not happy in.

I think she should give her all her money . Then he can use it to entertains the women he sleep around with !!!!

You serious think op is the unreasonable one ?

I think it is unreasonable to decide how much you'll contribute to family life based on how much affection you receive.

Imagine a man said "well this isnt a very happy marriage for me so I am going to express that by reducing my financial contribution to the household". You can't do that.

You can leave the shit marriage.

Why exactly are you staying with him? I understand a lot stay with partners due to financial security, but you're doing ok on your own anyway!! Being on your own may seem scary, but you Can do it!

@ThatNaiceBrickGuide and is husband putting all his wages into the kitty??? how does he know for sure how much you are earning?? to be honest, he sounds like a dick, get rid of him!! you must be a very high earner if you could put in 8k a month!

This

FWIW, DH and i have never had a joint account. We’ve never felt the need for it. You’re clearly contributing significantly to the bills so I don’t see how anyone would need any more.

But overall, this just all sounds really toxic - why are you holding on to this relationship? There’s no love in it.

If you can afford to pay 4-8k a month into the joint account im pretty sure you can afford to leave

Why are you even asking? This relationship is toxic and you have money - just leave. I get that you want to have a family but living like this is not a good example to your kids. LTB

Please leave. You are being used and some.

I would only pay in your half of the bills and say “go then” take back the power @ThatNaiceBrickGuide although I suspect you are the man in the relationship here - same applies regardless

or live like this until you or he dies

those are the options

The big question is how much your DH contributes to the joint account each month? It should be equal or proportional to both your salaries.

The affectionate issue is separate - you both need to work on that, maybe get some counselling or therapy?

Goodness this one is a no brainer. Cancel any direct debits to the joint account and see a divorce lawyer.

You’re unreasonable to stay with him after the STD!! Kick him out he’s vile and using you for money. Does pooling your finances again set a precedence for a positive settlement in his favour if he were to file for divorce? (aka is he manipulating you for a better divorce payout?)

Yawn No one paid as much as you needs to stay tied to a horrible man. You do not need MN to tell you that.

This is sadly true.

I can’t understand why you are still together. Sounds like you will be happier apart

What a waste of your life

If you think this is a relationship worth saving then you really need to consider some counselling. What an absolutely miserable way to live.

Why (for fucks sake) didn't you absolutely cut this bastard out of your life after what happened in your first sentence???

He says he will leave if you don’t submit to him? Help him pack and change the locks once he has gone.

Don't waste any more years of your precious life please.

Urgh, this man hates you. Get away from him, life will be much better.

How much is he earning? What is he contributing to the joint pot?
Where are the joint bills paid from - mortgage, electricity, groceries etc?

It sounds completely dysfunctional. I wonder if it's a reverse actually.

You are in the wrong for trying to buy his affection by withholding money.
He is in the wrong for refusing to give affection unless you provide the money.
And something else is going on here if you feel he is using you for your pay cheque.
If he isn't contributing financially to the joint home what is the reason for that and unless it's something like long-term illness, disability or him being a SAHP, he is wrong for not contributing.
If he does have a valid reason for needing to be reliant on your money and you are withholding it (ie. cutting off his source of money) then that could be considered financial abuse.
If he's just doing fuck all and living off your back then he's a cocklodger.

In short, it's completely fucked up and you should divorce.