Board money from ds

[Biffsboys]

I will keep this as short as I can . Ds1 paid board money until he moved out , we needed this money at the time . There is 10 years between ds1 and ds2 .
ds2 has just started working and we are taking board money from him but saving it to give him it back .
I think when he moves out we should split it with ds1 since he didn’t get anything back dh disagrees .

Why does he disagree?

Seems fair to split it (and will cause justifiable upset with DS 1 if you have different rules for your children surely?)

You can't do that!

Does DH think you should keep it? Depends how much of a difference it would make to you/DS. The most important thing is they're treated equally.

I find this idea of taking board/rent and giving it back so ridiculous to be honest! It’s not realistic at all…teaches them nothing!

Why would you take it and then give it back? Charging your children rent is beyond me unless you are desperate for the money.

Dh thinks it should go to ds2 because ds1 has a very good salary now . I just feel it’s unfair he didn’t get anything back .

He doesn’t know we intend to give it back .Its teaching him at the moment that he needs to pay his way .

Totally disagree.

Years ago a post about this went viral. That was my post about DD who was then 16 and is now about to turn 21.

That board money she paid between 16 and 19 paid for most of her driving lessons and a good deposit on a decent car.

It caused riots at the time but she thanks me for it now.

Because ds1 is now earning a very good salary

If they don’t know it will be coming back to them one day, then yes it does. It teaches them that not all their money is disposable income, that life costs a lot, budgeting skills etc.
We will be doing exactly this for our kids.

Do you not think that when they’re earning a full time wage they should contribute to the household costs they incur? As a minimum, the food they eat, electricity they use and consumables such as loo roll and washing powder etc. How will they learn that life costs a lot of money just for basic living needs if they’re never having to pay towards it?

I agree with you unless DS1 has had more from you in other ways (unlikely with an oldest child, perhaps if he had played sport at a high level which took a lot of family commitment or something, and DS2 didn't).

However don't frame it that you are taking DS2 money and giving half back to him and half back to his brother. He is paying board to cover some of his living expenses. That money is being spent on food, leccy etc. Him covering these expenses is freeing up you and DH to build up some savings yourselves, which you then pass onto them both. You're not saving his money, you are spending his money on his keep, just like you did with his brother. It may be a bit of a technicality but I think it's an important difference. Maybe save a different amount from what he pays.

Agree with this completely. Treat them both equally but don’t badge it as the second son’s rent money being divided between them. Just say that you’ve been saving over the years and are now in a position (whenever that may be) to give them both a gift of £x.

Thank you - you have explained what’s in my head lol 😂
my thinking is we just gift them both money at some point from what has been saved

Provided the parents are not struggling for money, I think they should facilitate the kids saving their income to have a head start in life. Saving for school, to move out, to buy property or whatever other life goals they have. I’m not sure the concept that life costs money is one that young adults are unable to grasp. But then I come from a different culture where the attitudes to kids and family are different.

So you think giving half his brothers money to his sibling is fair? Sure of he agrees great

Yes, the PP posted what I was also thinking. The issue is how you phrased it at first - that you were giving DS1 DS2’s money. You aren’t. You are giving them both a lump of your money.

When they’re grown adults you can’t make them save their money. Obviously you can encourage them to save for a house deposit etc but you don’t actually have any control over what they use their money for.
If they’re paying a relatively small amount of rent to live at home compared to market rates, they should still be able to build their savings as well, and if the parents haven’t needed their rent money to cover costs then they can eventually give it back to them. Win-win situation as they’ve got used to a more realistic smaller disposable income at the same time as being able to accumulate savings.

You don't give board money back.

You just, at some point in the future, give them each a gift of £3,000. Or whatever.

DS said I was scamming him asking him to pay but I swear the cost of the food he eats is more than he’s paying. Apart from a car loan and fuel, he’s got no outgoings and I made sure he’s saving regularly for a house deposit. (He says I want to get rid of him but it makes sense to start asap).

In reality, it doesn’t cover what I give to DD for her uni living costs so there’s that.

Giving ds1 money you saved from ds2 is problematic.

i think you need to save the equivalent and pay ds1 yourselves.

Totally agree with this , but the idea that one has paid and the other gets it back is completely unreasonable . You would be teaching him more by getting him to save @Biffsboys , although budgeting and saving should have been taught way earlier than kids getting a wage .

You charged your 16 year old board money? A child you were legally responsible for financially supporting? And you think that’s something to be proud of? It’s abuse.

I agree with your DH.Circumstances have changed and your younger son might be hurt that half of his windfall has to go his better off brother.Your older son might well be embarrassed at being offered it. I think you should just let well alone and give your youngest the money saved for him.