Board money from ds

[Biffsboys]

I will keep this as short as I can . Ds1 paid board money until he moved out , we needed this money at the time . There is 10 years between ds1 and ds2 .
ds2 has just started working and we are taking board money from him but saving it to give him it back .
I think when he moves out we should split it with ds1 since he didn’t get anything back dh disagrees .

Exactly - you can’t compare how well they’re doing financially when they’re at completely different life stages. In 10 years time your younger son could be doing far better financially than your older son is now.

I think you should treat them equally irrespective of their perceived circumstances.

Yes, DS1 has a good job, but DS2 might also get a good job. DS2 might have a partner with a better job, or be able to live somewhere where living expenses are lower, manage his money better or all manner of other reasons why he's not necessarily worse off than DS1.

I think separating the two is the way to go. Don't think of it as 'giving back DS2s money' but that you can now afford to save and have spare money that you'd like to gift to both your DSs, 50/50.

16 year olds used to be able to work full time and move out. Use your brain before acting like a privileged prick and accusing strangers of abusing their kids. I paid my mom and board at 16 as I worked and my dad was terminally ill and my mom had to give up work to care for him. Want to accuse her of abuse from your ivory tower?

Treat them equally. They either both get a gift because you and DH are financially better off now or neither do.

To do anything else will damage your family forever.

I came on to say the same thing. Don't take money to give it back. If circumstances change and you don't need to take money from them, don't. Just be honest.

I wouldn’t phrase it as ‘giving back’ to him.

When he moves out, you give him an amount of money as a gift, to help with set up costs. You then give your other son the same amount and mention that while you couldn’t afford to do it when he moved out, that you’re hoping he will put it to good use now. Maybe some towards bills and some into his pension fund.

There should be no mention of this money having come from the board, it’s simply money that you and DH had in your account, distributed equally to your sons as a gift.

Yes, I think this is a better idea.

You can’t give one and not the other
but this could very easily backfire so I would never mention the money come from DS2 board
at some point give them a lump sum

my mum and dad paid our legal fees when me and my sister bought a house

its not his money if he’s paid it to his parents on the form of board (just like his older brother did). What his parents decide to do with that money is totally up to them.

Definitely split it. If you don't, it absolutely just looks like you're gifting the younger one a big chunk of cash at some point with nothing ever having gone to the older one.

Agree with a couple of posters with different points. DS2 pays board just as DS1 did as a contribution towards keep.

If you are now in a position to save then treat it separately. Save and give them equal gifts in the future, maybe when burning cars/ homes/ getting married/ having kids etc. Don’t punish DS1 for having been successful. DS2 might be one day too?

Separate the issues.

You have taken board from both your kids. That's fair. The money you asked from them covered their living costs.

Your finances are in a better shape now than they were a few year ago. You anticipate having an amount of savings which you'd like to gift to your kids. The question is, should you give all the money to one kid, or split it between the two?

One kid earns more. So do you want to be equal or equitable?

For the benifit of family relationships, be equal for God's sake!

There are many ways to teach your kids responsibility and independence other than charging them rent to live in their own home. And it starts way before they turn 18. Something must have gone wrong beforehand if this is the only way to accomplish it. Lots of evidence for it if you care to look around.

My 16 year old was working full time with a great (for his age) salary, so we did too. As he was working his child benefit had stopped (only benefit we received).

When you take digs it becomes household income. It's no longer 'his' money. You can split it or you can spend it on a holiday or you can pay the water bill or you can piss it up against a wall of you so wish. You can't take dig money off both and only return one lot to one child. Both or neither.

Like others have said, forget about it being his board money. That’s gone into the family pot freeing up some cash for you to save. You can then do as you please with the savings.

We took board from my DS, when he was 19 we booked an expensive holiday, he said he would like to come but wasn’t sure he could afford it alone, his gf was still at college so couldn’t pay half. We agreed to pay half their costs if between them they found the other half. We paid 50%, DS paid 37.5% and gf paid 12.5%. We used his board payments to fund this. He has no idea that’s the money that was used.

This is excellent advice

@NoSoapJustUseShowerGel that's just another reason DS2 missed out by being born second. The eldest had to pay board because they weren't so well off then so that was the cards he was dealt. It's just swings and roundabouts though isn't it.

I’ve spoken to dh and read him a lot of these replies and he’s agreeing now , we will just gift them both some money at a later date . Thanks for all the replies .

Good update OP. Glad it’s worked out and your husband saw sense.