Breast cancer clinic - a problem shared or keep schtum?

[makemineadoubleshot]

Jeez - just read this back and didn't mean for it to be so long sorry!

Basically, I am one of those people that worry about everyone else but not myself - and will be attending my appointment alone, but I'd like to know if the consensus is that AIBU to share ahead of appointment or AIBU to keep schtum?

Basically I returned to my GP on Monday following a check up I'd had a while ago as the problem has become significantly worse. I don't have a lump but I do have other symptoms that apparently warrant the 2 week wait on suspected breast cancer. I didn't expect to be put on the 2ww but GP was quite calm but stern with me, and referred me to 'rule out anything nasty'. I got a referral date within 24 hours and my appointment at the breast clinic is on Friday. So a four day wait is damn impressive.

I've been advised it'll take a good few hours and I'm happy to attend alone. My husband asked if I'd like him to come with me, but he'd lose a days wage so I said thanks but no thanks, and I'm hoping I come out with the all clear anyway.

BUT - I just cannot stop thinking about it! It's like the 'C' word is constantly going round in my head! I'm parenting as normal, I'm working as normal, I put on an Oscar winning performance at a meeting today … but my thoughts are driving me mad!

Statistically I'll be ok, I don't have a lump (although it feels a bit solid behind my nipple but I have v small boobs so could be muscle?) the only real issue I have is a bizarre bright orange discharge that started a while back but is now worse and drips (!) first thing in the morning and at night and stains my clothes.

So - do I just keep this to myself, go and hope for the best? Or do I share with my mum and sister-in-law who I'm really close to?

AIBU to share: Am I being selfish by wanting to get it out of my head (ultimately wanting them to tell me it'll be ok etc) plus by telling them am I just causing worry potentially over nothing - plus everyone has their own stuff to deal with and it's less than two days away so just keep quiet?

AIBU to keep schtum: IF there is anything to worry about will they wish I'd pre-warned them? And if the boot was on the other foot I'd want them / my kids / friends to confide in me

I just can't decide but my gut says just don't say anything, tell them afterwards when I hopefully have good news, and tell them to check themselves as the process is really quick if they do ever find anything! (if you've read this - please check yourself!)

I haven’t voted as I think you need to do what’s right for you, and that sounds as if it’s to keep schtum until you’ve had your appointment. I actually told my DH and by best friend who came with me so my DH could be at home for
the school run. Unfortunately mine was cancerous, but I was pleased that I hadn’t told more people and had them worrying while I waited for the appointment and we only told the kids once we know what my treatment plan would be.
I hope everything goes well for you at your appointment.

My experience of BC was that the first appointment was to take a biopsy and that the results were not given until at least a week later.

Previous to that I had a non- cancerous lump.

In my case with cancer they told me to ensure someone was there for the second appointment. They also hinted quite strongly that it was likely to be cancer.

I was happy to be by myself for the first appointment and not to tell anyone (apart from DH) until it was actually confirmed. Then I knew enough to answer their questions.

It's up to you. Just going to one of these appointments is stressful I found. If you tell other people they may have questions or emotional needs or say unintentionally frightening things. You know them best.

Thank you both so much for answering - and I'm so sorry you've both been / are going through having bc.

I think I've answered my own question and maybe just needed to write it down here instead of voicing it and worrying others.

I hope you're both healthily through the other side very very soon x

I honestly can't vote on this one as I don't know how you prefer to deal with difficult situations like this - are you usually quite stoic and need support afterwards, or do you prefer to have someone with you to talk things over in advance and then maybe come with you on the day?

Neither is wrong, we are all different. I am the former, which means I would tell just one closest confidante - your husband in this case - and while I wouldn't need them to come with me, I would want them to be available to meet me afterwards and spend time with me to come to terms with whatever I found out - good or bad. I would tell others once I knew the diagnosis and the way forward.

My best friend is the latter - she needs people to talk to her so that she doesn't overthink or catastrophise in advance of the appointment, she also doesn't like going to appointments on her own as otherwise she ruminates in the waiting room. So it's either me or her partner who provides that support for her.

I wish you lots of luck and hope that there is a straightforward explanation for your symptoms and that if you need any treatment that is swift and successful.

Do what’s best for you, but please keep talking to us if it helps, and you don’t want to tell people in real life.

The waiting for the appointment is one of the hardest parts, as you have all the ‘what ifs’ and imagine the worst case scenario. Even people who don’t normally suffer from health anxiety will experience this.

Fingers crossed for Friday. From my experience, there can be waiting around so take a book, drink etc to keep you occupied.

This resonates with me. I've just had a recall appointment after a mammogram. I had one before and the results were benign calcifications so I'm hoping for the same again. However I have no one to come with me. My best friend is no longer here and my daughter simply couldn't find the time. By that I mean she is dealing with her mil having cancer treatment at the moment and she has two small children to deal with too. She would come with me if I asked but I won't ask. I'm fairly stoic so I'll go alone and hope for the best

Statistically I'll be ok, I don't have a lump (although it feels a bit solid behind my nipple but I have v small boobs so could be muscle?) the only real issue I have is a bizarre bright orange discharge that started a while back but is now worse and drips

Entirely up to you if you want to tell people or not but I just wanted to reassure you and say I had this exact symptom and it turned out to be an intraductal papilloma - not cancer, nothing to worry about. They removed it in a very simple operation and I barely even have a scar! So chances are you’ll be all good.

Thank you all so much - you're making my head ache less already!

I really do appreciate it

Thank you

Your choice entirely.

The only thing I would say is my mum regretted telling people as instead of support, she got lots of wacky and stupid advice and even some MLM type sales for some juice. Everyone has an opinion on cancer treatment apparently and what causes it. So only tell people you trust for now.

IF there is anything to worry about will they wish I'd pre-warned them? And if the boot was on the other foot I'd want them / my kids / friends to confide in me

It's not about what is most helpful to them right now. What would be most helpful to you? (Though I can understand not wanting to worry your mum unless you need to - sister is different i think).

You've already shared with your DH. I can't see the point in making an announcement to others.

FWIW I didn't even tell DH so had to break it to him after the appointment. They generally know what they are looking at and told me they were 99% certain it was cancer. Which I wasn't expecting.

Best of luck

I had some discharge and was put on the 2 week pathway.

I actually didn't tell my husband until after the results of the biopsy because his anxiety actually makes me more anxious (not his fault but he is a fusser and i can not stand fussing)
I ended up having a pre-cancerous lump and had a small operation.
it was all handled so quickly and I was grateful for the care.
I just prefer to quietly get on with it but that's me.

I think for me sometimes people ask questions or say the wrong thing inadvertently and I don't find it helpful.

There is def no right or wrong and you need to do what helps you the best!

good luck.

I told someone because it felt right to to get a little bit of support, and it was my friend.

I told my friend but not my husband. He recently lost someone very close to him to cancer and I didn't want him spiralling down it just wouldn't have been helpful for either of us.

My friend on the other hand is fairly used to investigations and nothing being found and fairly pragmatic and allowed me to share without getting dramatic. I was happy that someone was thinking about me but also that she would be realistic.

It was nothing and after a couple of years of being 'kept a bit of an eye on' I'm back on regular mammogram checks.

Good luck.

I think it’s a personal preference thing. I went alone to my clinic appointment. Although I wasn’t formally diagnosed until the biopsy results the following week, I was left with very little doubt it was a breast cancer I was dealing with. I liked being able to absorb the news first before deciding who to tell and when.

Thanks again everyone

I'm usually quite level headed but my head feels extremely full at the moment!

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand I often think my mum thinks I'm too busy to ask me for help, but I try to be there as much as I can and would hate her to feel the way you do. Please ask her and I'm sure she'll say yes x

Thank you @BauhausOfEliott - this does make me feel better!

The first GP I saw a few months ago examined me, took a swab (which came back saying no infection) and took my prolactin levels (which came back normal) - not once did she mention the breast clinic which is why Monday was a bit of a shock.

May I ask if they diagnosed you at the breast clinic? x

I had a recall after a mammogram and was really scared. Turned out to be a tiny cancerous lump and I had a lumpectomy, radiotherapy and oestrogen suppressing drugs for a few years. That was fifteen years ago and all has been well ever since. I’m writing to say if you want to keep it between yourself and your husband do so. I did not tell anyone else initially as I could not cope with having to go through it all repeatedly however well meaning. In my experience you really need someone with you for the appointment when you get the results. I was completely devastated and could barely take in what I was being told. Eventually I told my sisters and over the years one or two friends - usually only if they are in a similar position and I can offer support. I never told my elderly mother as she would have been too distressed and had her own problems to cope with. It is easier to talk about once you have come to terms with it yourself. Good luck

I don’t think there is any right or wrong here.
My experience has been lumps every 2yrs or so since i was breast feeding at 29, now mid 40’s, fortunately, so far all have been harmless cysts which I’m told are hormone driven but they still like to check them out. I usually tell DH but really I feel now no point worrying anyone till I know, but I did feel very nervous the first time so understand the desire to share.
Once went to see the consultant privately as we had a holiday booked and didn’t want to be worrying - they produced a comedy sized syringe and drained it there and then, so be prepared for all eventualities OP.
Best wishes.

Really personal choice.

It was slightly different for me as I was recalled following my yearly mammogram and just went to the appointment naively thinking that they probably hadn't got a good image (I had no lump or anything else) Instead they explained that they wanted to take another image, after that they did a biopsy and put the tracker in & then made me an appointment for 2 weeks time (I was told that they make everyone an appt for the results).

Apart from my DH I didn't tell anyone as I wasn't sure there was anything to tell as such - my Mum died over 20 years ago and my Dad was in his 90s and I don't have a SIL or Sister (DB only)

My DH came to the Appt after the 2 weeks waiting (felt like forever) and I'm glad I took him as it was a great support , I think when they said it was cancer I ws stuck in the moment and found it hard to concentrate on the next bits as in my head it kept replaying "it is cancer"

If your Mum or your SIL are the sort of people who are calm, good at taking notes and asking questions, keeping quiet when needed, able to go with you, able to hold it together but also say/do the right thing for you at the right time I would probably tell them. If they are the sort of person who will really stress worry endlessly or googling everything or crying all the time or also tell everyone then I wouldn't.

I hope you get good news

I'm quite independent for medical stuff and had to go to the breast cancer clinic last year "to rule it out". I got the all clear, but was there a few hours for examinations, mammogram, and then talk through my results with the consultant. Despite deciding to go alone because I was confident I didn't have cancer and it being a formality, shit got very real waiting around, being examined and seeing the other patients waiting, and getting my results was terrifying. Whilst I wouldn't have shouted my appointment from the rooftops, in hindsight I'd have felt a lot less vulnerable with someone with me. Good luck

I absolutely would NOT attend alone. Take someone OP.
You need someone on your side in them appointments.
Dont let them put you off taking somebody, ideally somebody assertive who can stand up for you.

I went alone, DH wouldn't have been paid either, he would happily have come. I told no one else. Decided if it wasn't good news I would tell DS and DM then.
Thankfully it was fine. I took my kobo but not sure much reading happened. There was a lot of hanging around.

I told my best friend.

For anyone reading this for an update / or is in the same position as me, I decided to tell my mum and SIL (and I breathed a huge sigh of relief after I'd voiced it!)

My mum asked if she could come with me and I was glad she did.

I'd have been fine on my own having the mammogram and ultrasound, but it was a bit of a shock to be told I needed a biopsy, so I was glad she was there with me as I was a bit shaky when I came out - although I must add the team were amazing and it was just because I didn't expect it. It didn't hurt (just a loud staplegun noise three times as she took the samples) and I babbled my way through it nervously. They probably wanted me to shut up!

I should get the results within the next two weeks - I was quite blunt in my questions but she said she couldn't say for definite either way until it's gone under the microscope.

I'm keeping myself busy and trying to not play Dr Google.

Torn between being quietly confident to thinking I'm being a bit naïve.

I hope I get my follow up appointment this week and that all is good news!

@makemineadoubleshot good luck OP. I certainly think you did the right thing taking someone.
I breezed in assuming it was nothing because I'd been before a year earlier and told it was just unexplained breast pain. It it soon became apparent I was wrong and after they did a biopsy they told me they were pretty sure it was cancer.

It's a long wait. Keep busy and don't Google.