To be surprised and disappointed by this man's assumption?

[BeHappySloth]

Answered the door at lunchtime on a wfh day, it was a guy from ipsos wanting to do a survey. He had a proper ID etc.

I was happy to do the survey, and we went through the questions. One of them was about whether I was the primary income earner in the household. He read the question and then added, before I had an opportunity to respond, "presumably that's your husband". (I had already told him that I was married.)

AIBU to be surprised and disappointed that someone would still openly voice such an assumption in this day and age? Even if he thought it, I would have expected him to know better than to say it?

FWIW, the assumption was incorrect but that shouldn't really matter.

I still think it’s worth bringing up. It may not have affected your results but it is bad technique to feed the person an expected answer. For someone with a worse grasp of English or who was less assertive it could have a negative effect on accuracy. Not to mention it’s rude!

If you don’t want to get him in trouble then yes maybe do leave a politely worded note for him. If he’s been decent the rest of the time hopefully he’ll take that on board.

I was recently stopped in a shopping centre when an older gentleman asked me to participate in a survey about the potential rennovation of the parking areas.

After all the "how long do you usually spend shopping?" and "do you feel safe in the parking areas?", he asked my age bracket (35-44), then civil status (single), and if I had children (no).

He started shaking his head and said "that's not normal" two or three times.

I was completely taken aback and didn't really know what to do in the moment. I thought "he's nearly 70, he's a different generation", and "I don't want to explain my relationship status, or lack thereof, to a stranger in a shopping centre", so I effectively ignored it.

I must have looked upset because he then went on to say that he hoped he hadn't offended me, just that "it's a shame for an attractive young woman to be alone". At which point my eyes rolled far back enough in my head it looked like an exorcism, and I wished aliens would beam him away.

Sorry you got a dose of this idiocy too.

Are you being serious?

Unfortunately, yes.

There is a big difference IMO between asking a mother if she works outside the home and assuming that the male is the breadwinner when both partners work from home. So for example if you were home during the day with a child I don't think it would be unreasonable to assume you were SAHM. However the way he phrased it was wrong and presumptuous so I would be annoyed too

This reminds me of a few years ago when I was up a ladder painting when a tradesman called. I said sorry for the mess I'm just in the middle of painting etc and he said : 'a housewife painting! Well I've seen it all now...'. I was too surprised to even respond. It makes no sense on every level.. surely a 'housewife' would have traditionally done the painting too, was keeping house not literally their job description?. I can't imagine being home all day then asking DH to spend his evening doing house related work, that seems very unfair! However it seems thats how it was in his experience. That's before we even get to the presumption that I don't work and using such an outdated term.

Erm, no. I am the primary earner and I work in a senior role. As long as I get the job done, I have the freedom to work as flexibly as I like. I don't typically stick to office hours, but I was actually working on office hours on the day in question and the conversation happened during my lunchbreak.

God, what is wrong with these men!

He definitely didn't think I was a SAHP, firstly because I had already told him that I work full time and secondly because I had also told him that my dd was away at uni and there were no children living in the house.

That's awful!

Thank you. I'll think about doing that. I take on board what a pp said about him probably being relatively unskilled. I don't want him to lose his job over it, but might feel better for having at least pointed out why it wasn't appropriate.

Wow, that's on a whole other level tbh!

I’ve had similar happen through the years. When sorting out health insurance for the mortgage they guy said shall we do it 60/40 for your husband to cover earnings. I said “well I earn more so surely that should be to me. He was oh we will do 50/50 then. But why when we’d loose more money if I was out of work?

Friends of my husband were chatting and said something about me spending his (husbands) money. And was shocked that I earned more.

It is sad that misogyny still is this bad.

It is sad, really. Can I ask if you pointed out the sexism on either of these occasions? I'm feeling a bit pathetic for not having said something at the time.

Yes I did. I am very outspoken (sometimes too much 😂) and I’m happy to call it out.

I just remembered another. I was getting the bus to work, I can’t remember the time but it was really early and not many people on. It was winter so I got a hot chocolate from Greggs. The bus driver told me I wasn’t allowed on with it? I argued back as I got one nearly every morning. I asked where the sign was. I can’t remember everything but he went, oh because you’re a woman you have to right? I called it out and he did apologise for that statement and let me get on. As I went to sit down there was a guy sat down with a greggs cup!! I went back and let the driver know!

Research agencies struggle to retain interviewers so he won't be in trouble but do let IPSOS know, then they'll be aware to focus on issues like this more in training.

I'd have been pissed off and tempted to ask him if he'd time-travelled to my doorstep from 1953 ...

Well if this chap was the primary earner of his family, they’d have been a very low income family! Door to door unskilled survey taker? Minimum wage or just above.

That would have made my blood fizz as well OP. He obviously assumes a man earns more than a woman.

Can posters not be so snooty about people doing low paid work though. All sorts of people do these jobs for all sorts of reasons. Even in their 50s. I find it horrible that people seem to be suggesting this means he must be thick or a failure. I'm well educated, have a professional career, yet I've stood on factory production lines. I know a man with a PhD who works in a part time 'unskilled' role due to disabilities acquired in later life. I know someone who decided to semi retire from an excellent highly-paid role and works part-time in a DIY store as they want some structure and interaction in their life without the stress. Don't make assumptions about people because of their job.

Many lower paid jobs require real skills too.

Unfortunately this type of assumption is still not uncommon. DH and I own a business together. When people ask what we do, it’s very clear they think DH actually owns it and I’m some type of admin! I was a Director of a multi national in the same sector before we set up the business and DH, god love him, always points this out. To be fair, it’s usually women who are the most surprised!

Hahaha @cool4cats2020 are you the survey guy?

In a senior role you have far more say over how you spend your time than in a junior role.

But over 50 is not old.

I am in my 50s and throughout my working life it's been an absolute expectation that both men and women can do any job, they will be paid the same for it and either men or women can be the higher earner in a heterosexual couple. Anyone voicing the opposite opinion should expect to be called out on it.

Plus someone at home in the daytime could be on a lunchbreak from a professional well paid WFH job.

OP YANBU.

I don't think that for a certain age of man that would be an unusual comment as I don't think the Housewife was expected to do DIY. I have had the same from my 90+ year old neighbour, he saw me painting the front fence and commented along the lines of, "it's not right..." I'm not a housewife, I WFH some days but he can't get his head around that either. However, when I go into the office, it is a longish commute done by many around here and he has seen me arrive home fairly late on occasion and has commented on it not being right that a lady arrives home from work at this time, asks what my "fella' is doing when I'm working so many hours especially as we have DC! He also doesn't understand why we live in the house we do with a family when he has one to himself or why I work when we have children. I have explained that unfortunately that's the economic reality of most our age (early - mid 40s) now!

And sometimes people are doing this jobs just to pass time, we have a local magazine about the area that's written and published and 'delivered' by a group of people who are retired in their sixties. The man that delivers lives in a huge house as you say, not that that should matter but we shouldn't judge books by their covers!

Theses not "this".

YANBU to be disappointed but you shouldn’t be surprised

The point is… he’s in a low skilled and low paid job and yet making the assumption that the OP’s husband must be the primary earner.

Well, his family wouldn’t exactly be flying high if he was the primary earner