Is it weaponizing?

[Whenlifegiveslemons]

I've recently started using a family calendar (married, 2 dc). Ive found its been brilliant to see who's doing what ahead of the actual day and allows me to plan my days around my job (im self employed).

Admittedly, from seeing things in black & white, I've realised how little I do away from kids & work & have started booking in and doing more for myself (which I've found so positive for my mental health!). For context - marriage is awful atm and we're barely speaking.

My husband has now said I'm "weaponizing" the calendar and won't be adding to it - which isn't helpful as it's good to know it if he's wfh to help with kids, for example. Or out for the eve so I know I'm doing bedtime alone!

I'd appreciate honesty - what are other thoughts? Am I weaponizing?

I think some may find it difficult to know how to vote. I voted YANBU because it's only fair that you get time to yourself, if your husband does, and using the calendar as it's designed is not 'weaponising' it. He just sounds resentful that it has opened your eyes and made it easier for you to request that he share the load. He does get free time to himself, correct?

One day, you will look at him and think “when someone tells you who they are, believe them “.

A shared family calendar is a very normal thing. It sounds like that's not really the issue. Is it time to consider divorce?

No. But he might be as he sees you taking equal time. Challenge him on it. Ask him.how else he'd like to manage it given the children have two parents and you're in an equal relationship. His reaction will tell you next steps, won't it!

That's in the pipeline really anyway. Our marriage is all but over without saying it. But I feel if we're together or not, we still need to share responsibility of the kids fairly & to communicate - which hes simply refusing to do now. So imagine what it's going to be like when we do separate?!

Yeah he's probably going to be a total arse. You could try to talk to him about it but it sounds like it might be a waste of time unfortunately.

I did wonder this. I don't think he likes me taking equal time away now and it's now very evident how much time he spends away form family vs what I do, up until recently - the truth is seemingly hard to see.

I wasn't sure if AIBU was the correct category so not relevant to vote really, just wanted some honest opinions. He does have time to himself, most weeks he has a day of his sports hobby plus night out with work/friends once a week. I'm using the calendar as designed - I have also been using it to schedule in "me time" - be that an hour or two to exercise or an afternoon to myself, mostly when he's had that the weekend prior. I don't want to spend every weekend solo parenting & I become resentful. I've been scheduling time away, as he does, its helpful with that resentment. It feels more balanced but he's showing he doesn't like.

I don't think he likes me taking equal-ish time away now and it's very evident when calendarised how much time he spends away form family vs what I take, i do the lions share - the truth is seemingly hard to see. If he's taking a day away every weekend, why shouldn't I?! We don't get on, we are barely speaking day to day - so it's not like having a day as a family is on either of our agendas too. But I feel he just doesn't like it. I think he'd like to have his day of sport while i sort the kids & then on the other weekend day, I sort the kids too while he does what he pleases, joins in/gardens - whatever he fancies. Putting this in text is opening my eyes.

He doesn’t like seeing the imbalance written down, because then he can’t deny or dismiss it. So he’s just refusing to engage. Not the actions of a man who wants to work on his marriage sadly.

I’d start divorce proceedings sooner rather than later and get some days/nights formalised so that you can plan work and leisure time accordingly. He sounds the type to try and change plans to scupper yours so I’d also try to find a reliable local teen who can help with a bit of babysitting if needed. Ask friends with older DCs if any of them would like to earn a bit of extra cash. Once you stop relying on these idiots to pull their weight it’s quite liberating.

Hi, I think it depends, if you are the only one to set tasks, it's a bit controlling (but I guess depending of your couple, that may be ok) . If your +1 is doing it too it's a great addition to your daily life.
We did go a step further, we connected pro calendars, personal calendars and family calendars with my +1, for us it works perfectly !

Well, "weaponizing" strikes me as a very aggressive, defensive choice of words.

Seems to me that the point of a calendar is to organize your thoughts and activities, so it was going fine.

Of course, I'm sure you'd never be vengefully petty as I would, but I'd probably start driving him crazy by deluging him with questions and calls and texts: So exactly when did you said you'd be free on Tuesday? I can't remember, did you say 2:30? How about 2:15?

So if person 1 just fills in a calander regardless of what person 2 is doing or has planned and person 1 just expects person 2 to fit in whatever they decided it is conrtrolling but this is MN so it would depend on person 1/2 being male or female on who is in ''controlling'' and how is ''being organised''

I am not saying this is the case here but some people who respond badly to calendars can be those with PDA.
my husband seemed entitled misogynistic and terrible at communication cooperation negotiation etc. in hindsight I think there may be PDA. Either way it’s awful to live with and separation when you have children together is awful too as you still can’t escape interacting.
Might be worth a read even if only to exclude it. https://asdmarriage.com/2023/03/16/part-1-autism-pathological-demand-avoidance-and-sociopathy/

https://asdmarriage.com/2023/05/25/part-2-the-antithetical-nature-of-partnership-with-a-pda-spouse/

But if Person 2also fills out the calendar, then Person 1 will have regard for what they have planned, as it’ll be in the calendar.

I don’t consult DH before I book in a meal with friends, I check the calendar and then put it in there. If he then goes to make plans the same night, he sees he can’t as he has to be home. If he has a reason to be out that trumps my reason we discuss it and I might rearrange.

Not controlling on either part. If DH then made plans and forced me to cancel mine, THAT would be controlling but I don’t think that’s what OP is suggesting is happening here.

One day you will leave him & it will be the best thing you EVER do.

Interesting. I’m 99% sure I have PDA (because if you ask me to say empty the dishwasher I feel such a rage and strong will not to do it, I can’t overcome it, especially if I was planning to do it anyway), but love a calendar as it’s not an immediate demand of me, it’s a way I can look forward in time and see the plans and ready myself for them. Asking me to empty the dishwasher this evening or tomorrow doesn’t elicit the same response from me though, so maybe it’s not PDA (but it must be something diagnosable as I really cannot stress how strong the feeling is).

He doesn't like the calendar because he doesn't like you correcting the free time imbalance that there was. It doesn't suit him.

Definitely sounds like your relationship is over from your posts.

It'll just be a case of you working out how much, if any, time he'll spend with the children after you separate.

His behaviour isn't due to PDA and I don't think you should of even suggested it as a possibility.

The OP isn't putting any demands on him, she's adding her own things Into the diary and now her partner is refusing to add things in to.... so she can't see what free time is available and can't do things she enjoys.

I'm autistic and so is my child and I find it really offensive your trying to excuse a man's near abusive behaviour ( I say near because it's not quite abuse what he's doing, but it's close ) by sayings it's PDA

It's not. It's an arsehole man

How do you do that ?🤔

I'm not sure if it's this as he's generally much more organised than I am - uses a calendar a with, whereas I don't. But - I've found this family calendar & having everything in one place so so helpful, it's helped me with my organisation for sure. So it's frustrating that he now won't use it.

This is it. I do excuse him a lot as he is a good man, from a good family. But his lack of communication/co-operation, conversation about basic things like family organising - is throwing me off. I can't see any logic to refusing to now use it. He does a lot more socially than I do & works all over the place, so seeing where he is some days is helpful in me planning the after school/bed time routine (if I'm doing it alone, I like to know).

He doesn't like the calendar because it makes it clear how much you're doing compared to him and it's led to different behaviours on your part as you realise this too. It's easier for him to blame the calendar than blame himself.

I think he'd want to see the children but as it is (still married), he doesn't want to commit to anything set. I've asked if he can do a set drop off/pick up a week and he said no (would allow me to work a longer day).

I think like you say, I'm correcting the time imbalance and he doesn't like it.

Part of me thought it could also be used in co-parenting, as I try to avoid doing things with him - but he's clearly not happy so now I'm worrying, if it's like this whole married - how will it worn when we separate? I've explicity said to him, that if/when our marriage ends we will need to agree shared responsibility with kids - he ignored me.