Is it weaponizing?

[Whenlifegiveslemons]

I've recently started using a family calendar (married, 2 dc). Ive found its been brilliant to see who's doing what ahead of the actual day and allows me to plan my days around my job (im self employed).

Admittedly, from seeing things in black & white, I've realised how little I do away from kids & work & have started booking in and doing more for myself (which I've found so positive for my mental health!). For context - marriage is awful atm and we're barely speaking.

My husband has now said I'm "weaponizing" the calendar and won't be adding to it - which isn't helpful as it's good to know it if he's wfh to help with kids, for example. Or out for the eve so I know I'm doing bedtime alone!

I'd appreciate honesty - what are other thoughts? Am I weaponizing?

We just use an ordinary calendar hung in the kitchen and hopefully remember to add things. How did it become a thing? I do sometimes have to say did you put xyz on the calendar but it doesn't get into a how dare you ask me to. I guess if it's become a 'look how little 'me time' I get compared to you' it could be seen as weaponizing. If it's just who is where when then what's the problem?

Well that was pretty much a threat, so I guess he's not wrong. If this is how you feel just get on with the divorce, once the word has been said it really is pretty much over, unless you think the threat will change his behaviour.

It seems to me that if he is refusing to include himself on the calendar, you may as well consider yourself to now be doing everything on your own much as you will be when you do separate.

This is a good opportunity to get your ducks in a row, see it as a practice period of a month or so. Then when you are ready tell him that his opting out gave you that opportunity and the marriage is over.

Whether circumstances mean you will have to continue living together for a while or not, he may as well start getting used to having sole care of your children every other weekend and one or two nights a week: or all of it every other week. Whatever coparenting will be once you divorce.

Sorry that’s been said while I slowly tapped in my post

I've explicity said to him, that if/when our marriage ends we will need to agree shared responsibility with kids - he ignored me.

I think you need to prepare yourself for the fact that is highly, highly unlikely to happen.

Even when my controlling ex took me to court (unnecessarily) for EOW, set days in the week, and set parts of the holidays he still didn't take them on his days. You cannot compel them to take the children, you can only be compelled to have them available.

An environment where I was on my own and knew I'd have the children solo pretty much full time was still considerably better than one where I should have had support in the relationship and didn't however.

Just be prepared. It's very rare for men to do more after they separate. Unless they meet another woman willing to do it for them and then they may desperately want to pay no maintenance to have more time with their children. Men who do a lot post split are almost always ones who did a lot pre split imo.

You need to put some time on the calendar for "divorce solicitor".

Exactly this, that's the use of the calendar. Kids clubs, husbands sports, where I'm working. Why he'd now refuse it and say I'm using it to weaponise is so inaccurate/unfair.

Just end the marriage , move on and accept that “me time “ doesn’t happen till the kids are older

We started it, by my suggestion before summer holidays. My work is seasonal and I work some weekends during summer so lots of weekend morning work, ds sports tournaments, childcare juggle once school had finished - so used it to diarize everything.

I have noticed how little me time I have, but haven't raised this - I've corrected it but adding things in for me - in the same way he has, just adding stuff in to an available day.

Update: tried to have a conversation this morning, ended in a huge row. Said I'm adding things to the calendar after a row (this isn't true at all - I've added things the day before/after he has a day of sport mostly) and he has much more in there socially than I do. He then said "look what this calendar is causing" - can't quite believe those words came out of his mouth. Going to call a solicitor.

He really doesn't like that visible reminder of how much more time he has because it is encouraging you - rightfully - to ensure your own time is carved out

This is exactly what I know we need to do - everything has entirely broken day, we barely speak and when we do it ends in a row. I think time away from kids is important for both spouses, I feel better for just an hour or two here and there. Hopefully when custody is shared equally, he steps up.

He's trying to sabotage your life so you stay tied to the house and children. He's scared his lovely life of freedom, cooked food, clean clothes and images of family life will be imploded once you get a sniff of what's out there. His anger and his belittling words are all designed to keep you under control and inside your little, lonely box.

It will never get better until you leave and one day you will, it's just a matter of when.

Hopefully when custody is shared equally, he steps up.

Don't count on it.
See the post from @ARichtGoodDram

I don't think he's wrong. The relationship is clearly dead, you aren't using your awareness of his free time to plan things as a family-rather to trial a separation of caring responsibilities and see how you will manage.

Let him go. Get his set days with the kids and then he can manage them as he sees fit.

I've been thinking recently, anyone using the term " weaponising" is either a conspiracy theorist or a big old baby. Sorry this doesn't quite address the question but I bet it's pretty close.

You are getting ahead of yourself.
Don't try to change how things are right now - it is a waste of time. Ignore him as much as possible, don't try to force him to share responsibility.
The calendar isn't working, so drop it.

Just go full speed ahead with the divorce.

so now I'm worrying, if it's like this whole married - how will it worn when we separate?
Have absolutely fixed times for hand-overs of the kids, set in stone (if not written down on a court order). Don't try to 'be flexible' or 'take it as it comes'.

You do the drop-offs to his place, so that there is no possibility of him dicking around by being late or early and messing with your plans.
He does the drop-offs back to your place. Arrange to be ready for them well in advance and don't make plans for after in case he is hours late back.

When they are at his place, they are fully his responsibility. e.g. if DC is due to go to a birthday party on 'his' Saturday, you have nothing to do with it. Hand him the invitation, or forward it, and that is the end of your involvement.
Don't step in to rescue the situation when he messes it up.

Likewise, at his place he has to have DC clothes available and do laundry - don't send the DC with spare clothes or have them bring back laundry.

if/when our marriage ends we will need to agree shared responsibility with kids - he ignored me.
You cannot force him to step up and be a parent.

Beware of him agreeing to X number of nights to minimise maintenance, but then still dumping the maximum amount of work on you, by constantly pushing boundaries, accusing you of being 'inflexible', etc. e.g. dropping them back straight after breakfast when he is meant to have them until the afternoon, or asking if you can take them for extra nights as a favour, without the maintenance being adjusted.

I’ve never heard of that, he’s a bit strange! We’ve used a family calendar (was in the kitchen, now online since the DCs have phones now) and it’s the only way we can all keep track of who is where.
Just seen you’re considering or in the process of separating - he’s shown you what he’s really like now. Good luck!

To answer the question in the thread-title "Is it weaponizing?":

Technically, I guess it is, in the sense that you're not using the calendar just to arrange things, avoid clashes, etc, but also using it as evidence that he isn't doing his fair share. It's likely justified weaponizing, but that doesn't mean it isn't weaponizing.

Anyway, it seems the calendar is the least of your worries, best of luck with what's to come.

The calender doesnt work, bin it off. Tell him you've sacked the calender off so he doesn't have to think about it anymore.

Don't say any more than that. See a solicitor and get your plan.

I would say stop doing anything for him but you would need not to rely on him for work for that.

Just get a plan going and seperate.

I use a small software syncthemcalendars.com for calendar sync.

To come back to the discussion, strongly agreed with others, given your context maybe you are using the calendar as a weapon but I also think that your should use more lethal weapon agains him 😡😡

Yes you're right. I appreciate you saying that you see it as weaponizing, I just can't see it so pretty taken aback by him saying that. But this calendar has all of a sudden - shown, even more clearly the state of our marriage. I need to stop trying for amicability & just get on with the inevitable, divorce.

Yes I will have to do that. A lot of communication benefits him as its child related plans. But things will get worse from now, I get so peed off when I'm up early with kids and he drops in, last min "oh I can take them". So resentment will fester again because I'm going to be the manager of us all & he steps in as & when.