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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get consent to post in AIBU?

38 replies

username2345678901 · 23/09/2025 08:10

A while back, I posted something on AIBU about my DH. It came up again in conversation recently and he said he's really not happy that it's out there forever on the internet and that I shouldn't post things about him. He asked me not to do it again.

I said I couldn't promise that and he said that the least I could do was ask his consent.

I said I might not want to do that as the thing I am posting about might be something I would prefer not to discuss with him.

I am not sure what the issue is. I said I would never give any identifying details but he said what if Mumsnet was hacked and my posts became identifiable.

So AIBU to post things about him without his consent?

(And before anyone points it out, I am aware of the irony here that i am posting this...without his consent!)

OP posts:
FamilyPhoto · 23/09/2025 08:11

How did he know you posted about him ?

Original poster
username2345678901 · 23/09/2025 08:12

We discussed it at the time.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 23/09/2025 08:13

Well i am sure women are perfectly fine with men putting their lives on the internet with no thought to privacy or it being out there identifying or not

Tunacheesequesadilla · 23/09/2025 08:14

I think that's fair enough, if he's specifically asked you not to post about him without his consent. His privacy and hacking fears are very valid.

CopperWhite · 23/09/2025 08:14

If it’s details about him and he’s asked you not to post publicly, then you should respect that. If you want to post about yourself or any effects he has on you, that’s your business.

beready2025 · 23/09/2025 08:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ProfoundlyPeculiarAndWeird · 23/09/2025 08:20

I think that now he has expressed his discomfort about you doing this, it would be unreasonable to continue posting about him without consent.

Lots of people are anxious about the security of online privacy. For ourselves, we take the small-but not-zero risk of being outed by posting on MN. But we aren't entitled to do it for other people once they have made it plain that the risk isn't one that they would take for themselves.

Also lots of people feel really upset and embarrassed about the thought of being discussed critically on a forum. If someone says 'don't do this to me' then you should stop doing it -- unless of course the person has done something really bad, like behaving abusively.

dontcomeatme · 23/09/2025 08:20

Sorry I don't agree with other PP, unless you've identified him or slandered his name etc, he has zero right to tell you what you can and can't talk about in an anonymous forum asking for advice. What if you went to an AA/NA meeting? Do you have to ask permission before you mention anything relating to him? What about good posts, do you need permission then? What about FB posts? He can't pick and choose what you need consent for. You can write about whatever you want, obviously without slander, defamation, naming etc. He's just upset because it was a negative post.

beready2025 · 23/09/2025 08:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 23/09/2025 08:22

He has a point, if you're sharing very personally information, there is sluths or trolls that will try to out your RL info.
I believe the there is a sub reddit for slating MN and users.
Haven't seen it.

Spyship · 23/09/2025 08:24

If women had to ask consent from the people in their lives to post about them on MN then there would be an awful lot less threads on the forums.
I thought the whole idea in boards such as Relationships, AIBU and Divorce and Seperation was for posters to be able to discuss problems in their lives which often involve talking about their H, partner, boyfriend . And also both male and female relatives.
On the proviso that it is posted without identifying details it is totally unreasonable to expect to get permission to post anout someone. It would be cutting off what is a valuable source if advice and support. And sometimes the only source of help for some OP's.

So no. OP shouldn't need to ask permission to post about her H.

Original poster
username2345678901 · 23/09/2025 08:26

I personally think it is the lesser of two evils when compared to discussing him with my friends who he would then have to face in person. This is something I would never do, and so I occasionally turn to MN when I feel I need some perspective on things.

OP posts:
Brightbluesomething · 23/09/2025 08:26

I agree. You don’t need his permission to post on an anonymous forum predominantly of women to seek advice. If he behaved better you wouldn’t need to.
Interesting that instead of taking on board your unhappiness or concerns, his problem is his privacy? It’s unlikely to be outing unless he goes searching for it and then only he’d know.
Just anonymise more in the future. I suspect you’ll need further advice if this was his reaction.

Original poster
username2345678901 · 23/09/2025 08:27

CopperWhite · 23/09/2025 08:14

If it’s details about him and he’s asked you not to post publicly, then you should respect that. If you want to post about yourself or any effects he has on you, that’s your business.

It's about effects his behaviour has on me, but obviously that also has to entail some info about him. Nothing identifying though.

OP posts:
LoftyRobin · 23/09/2025 08:36

Obviously, only individual posters know if these things are relevant to them, but I wouldn't like my partner posting on here (or other places which have similar traits). The reason being that users often fail to read posts, purposely twist words and make very uncharitable assumptions and they weave their own agendas into literally any thread. There are things I could complain about my partner, but i wouldn't do it where people are going to use the worst terms to describe him all because he's shit at making the bed. Or is less routined with mealtimes than I am.

I wouldn't talk about him here very much at all. And i certainly wouldn't open up about any difficulties in our relationship.

Additionally, I'd be more upset if he wasnt being truthful in his narrative. For instance, if people were saying I never do the school run, and he actually knows that I do it when my shifts allow but doesn't speak up because it feels good when people are calling me irresponsible and lazy, I'd be livid.

This place isnt for people to receive help for relationship issues, even if it works that way for other types of issues - it is for people to air their grievances against certain sectors of society: Men, immigrants, poor people, the disabled etc.

dontcomeatme · 23/09/2025 08:48

LoftyRobin · 23/09/2025 08:36

Obviously, only individual posters know if these things are relevant to them, but I wouldn't like my partner posting on here (or other places which have similar traits). The reason being that users often fail to read posts, purposely twist words and make very uncharitable assumptions and they weave their own agendas into literally any thread. There are things I could complain about my partner, but i wouldn't do it where people are going to use the worst terms to describe him all because he's shit at making the bed. Or is less routined with mealtimes than I am.

I wouldn't talk about him here very much at all. And i certainly wouldn't open up about any difficulties in our relationship.

Additionally, I'd be more upset if he wasnt being truthful in his narrative. For instance, if people were saying I never do the school run, and he actually knows that I do it when my shifts allow but doesn't speak up because it feels good when people are calling me irresponsible and lazy, I'd be livid.

This place isnt for people to receive help for relationship issues, even if it works that way for other types of issues - it is for people to air their grievances against certain sectors of society: Men, immigrants, poor people, the disabled etc.

@LoftyRobin not disagreeing with what you say about your personal preference for using this forum. However, isn't it predominantly a parent forum? The advertising states "For parents, by parents".
You said "This place isnt for people to receive help for relationship issues". I know the big issues like immigration etc are discussed on here but that's not what it's for. And surely if your parenting involves 2 parents, AKA mam and dad, then discussing the dad part would be perfectly reasonable? Whether it's parenting issues or relationship issues affecting the parenting.

Driftingawaynow · 23/09/2025 08:56

LoftyRobin · 23/09/2025 08:36

Obviously, only individual posters know if these things are relevant to them, but I wouldn't like my partner posting on here (or other places which have similar traits). The reason being that users often fail to read posts, purposely twist words and make very uncharitable assumptions and they weave their own agendas into literally any thread. There are things I could complain about my partner, but i wouldn't do it where people are going to use the worst terms to describe him all because he's shit at making the bed. Or is less routined with mealtimes than I am.

I wouldn't talk about him here very much at all. And i certainly wouldn't open up about any difficulties in our relationship.

Additionally, I'd be more upset if he wasnt being truthful in his narrative. For instance, if people were saying I never do the school run, and he actually knows that I do it when my shifts allow but doesn't speak up because it feels good when people are calling me irresponsible and lazy, I'd be livid.

This place isnt for people to receive help for relationship issues, even if it works that way for other types of issues - it is for people to air their grievances against certain sectors of society: Men, immigrants, poor people, the disabled etc.

What an eloquent and accurate post

LoftyRobin · 23/09/2025 08:59

dontcomeatme · 23/09/2025 08:48

@LoftyRobin not disagreeing with what you say about your personal preference for using this forum. However, isn't it predominantly a parent forum? The advertising states "For parents, by parents".
You said "This place isnt for people to receive help for relationship issues". I know the big issues like immigration etc are discussed on here but that's not what it's for. And surely if your parenting involves 2 parents, AKA mam and dad, then discussing the dad part would be perfectly reasonable? Whether it's parenting issues or relationship issues affecting the parenting.

Show quote history

Right and this is totally made up, but say I mention in the thread that I always do bedtime but yes, I have a husband. The whole thread would be derailed with assumptions about why my lazy pig misogynist husband never does bedtime over tips to make bedtime easier for me.

The truth might be that he has to work 2 jobs to keep things ticking so is out at work at that time. Or it could be simpler than that, he was always a night worker and I knew that when I met him and accepted it knowing this is how life will look.

Either way, our marriage isn't the issue. Bedtime is the issue.

TheNewWasp · 23/09/2025 08:59

He is raising very valid points. You are in no position to guarantee that he may be outed at some point. If the thread is no longer an active conversation you should ask MNHQ to delete it.

AndSheDid · 23/09/2025 09:02

LoftyRobin · 23/09/2025 08:36

Obviously, only individual posters know if these things are relevant to them, but I wouldn't like my partner posting on here (or other places which have similar traits). The reason being that users often fail to read posts, purposely twist words and make very uncharitable assumptions and they weave their own agendas into literally any thread. There are things I could complain about my partner, but i wouldn't do it where people are going to use the worst terms to describe him all because he's shit at making the bed. Or is less routined with mealtimes than I am.

I wouldn't talk about him here very much at all. And i certainly wouldn't open up about any difficulties in our relationship.

Additionally, I'd be more upset if he wasnt being truthful in his narrative. For instance, if people were saying I never do the school run, and he actually knows that I do it when my shifts allow but doesn't speak up because it feels good when people are calling me irresponsible and lazy, I'd be livid.

This place isnt for people to receive help for relationship issues, even if it works that way for other types of issues - it is for people to air their grievances against certain sectors of society: Men, immigrants, poor people, the disabled etc.

Largely Mn points out substantial inequalities or abuses within relationships. Only a partner of either sex who doesn’t pull their weight need worry about being judged.

dontcomeatme · 23/09/2025 09:04

LoftyRobin · 23/09/2025 08:59

Right and this is totally made up, but say I mention in the thread that I always do bedtime but yes, I have a husband. The whole thread would be derailed with assumptions about why my lazy pig misogynist husband never does bedtime over tips to make bedtime easier for me.

The truth might be that he has to work 2 jobs to keep things ticking so is out at work at that time. Or it could be simpler than that, he was always a night worker and I knew that when I met him and accepted it knowing this is how life will look.

Either way, our marriage isn't the issue. Bedtime is the issue.

Edited
Show quote history

@LoftyRobin but that's what's called a drip feed and the majority of posters find it highly annoying.

OP- my husband never does bedtime .

Posters - LTB, he'll never change, men 🙄 etc.

OP- he works 2 jobs including night shift.

Posters- then YABU.

Again, this doesn't mean people don't have the right to post what they want. But context is way more important than what is actually being said. Also, if there was an OP like that, I wouldn't judge the dad, I would judge the mam(OP), for posting something she knows can't help helped or changed and something that she accepted before they had DC. So maybe it's person dependant. This fictional OP just sounds like someone whining about their situation without giving all relevant info.

ComfortFoodCafe · 23/09/2025 09:06

I dont think anyones been outed & found out on these posts in the entire history of mumsnet. Your fine.

LoftyRobin · 23/09/2025 09:08

AndSheDid · 23/09/2025 09:02

Largely Mn points out substantial inequalities or abuses within relationships. Only a partner of either sex who doesn’t pull their weight need worry about being judged.

Show quote history

Yes but you cant decide that for someone else. Especially in situations where they haven't even asked. So what it sounds like you're saying is that unless the OP's marriage sounds like it would work for you, you will decide someone is not doing enough and focus your responses around that.

LoftyRobin · 23/09/2025 09:11

dontcomeatme · 23/09/2025 09:04

@LoftyRobin but that's what's called a drip feed and the majority of posters find it highly annoying.

OP- my husband never does bedtime .

Posters - LTB, he'll never change, men 🙄 etc.

OP- he works 2 jobs including night shift.

Posters- then YABU.

Again, this doesn't mean people don't have the right to post what they want. But context is way more important than what is actually being said. Also, if there was an OP like that, I wouldn't judge the dad, I would judge the mam(OP), for posting something she knows can't help helped or changed and something that she accepted before they had DC. So maybe it's person dependant. This fictional OP just sounds like someone whining about their situation without giving all relevant info.

Edited
Show quote history

But sometimes the OP has never said "my husband never does bedtime", they've just said "bedtime is a nightmare".

In that case, it is irrelevant why the OP always does bedtime or why her husband works nights. But people won't let go until they know that information because what they really want to talk about is shit men.

dontcomeatme · 23/09/2025 09:19

LoftyRobin · 23/09/2025 09:11

But sometimes the OP has never said "my husband never does bedtime", they've just said "bedtime is a nightmare".

In that case, it is irrelevant why the OP always does bedtime or why her husband works nights. But people won't let go until they know that information because what they really want to talk about is shit men.

Show quote history

@LoftyRobin well I haven't seen this level of shit talking about men without reason. I find MN very fair in those terms. If the woman is at fault, from what I see 99% of posters will tell the OP that. But fair enough if that's how you feel.