Exclusionary colleague

[User818gahwjwjjeek]

I’ve got a colleague who blows hot and cold – but only with me. We’re a similar age and I can’t shake the feeling she sees me as competition. She’s even recently changed her appearance to copy something quite distinctive about mine (big change for her). Maybe it’s nothing, but it felt telling.

It’s a very small workplace and I’ve noticed a pattern: if I nip out briefly, she’ll round up a little group and march them out for coffee. I’m never included, and it only happens when I’m not around – she’s very much the ringleader. When she’s off, nobody else does it.

Yesterday she was telling a story and I said, “oh what are the chances of that happening.” She looked straight at me and said, “yes, like your face!” I had no idea what she meant – I assumed maybe something like Sod’s Law / breakout before a big event – so I just laughed it off. But it felt barbed.

Later she noticed some crumbs on my jumper and brushed them off for me in this really patronising way. We’re not friends, so it just felt so intrusive. She often bangs on about how competitive she is, so I don’t know if it’s jealousy, or what.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How would you deal with it?

I'd give her a wide berth and ignore her sorry ass.

Only engage when you absolutely have to and only then keep it work related.

She sounds like a deranged person.

She sounds really awful. Is there somebody there who is on your side who could say no let's wait for the OP to come back first or something like that?

@WatchingTheDetective

unfortunately not at all. She’s been there a lot longer and has existing bonds with the two other youngish colleagues so they just tend to do agree. I’m definitely not part of the crowd!

You don’t need to be part of the crowd.Just be your confident self and have as little to do with her as possible.

thanks for all the advice. If anyone has anything actionable that would be great as it’s bringing me down

Wide berth, big smile.
Keep your business, your plans, to yourself.
A real information diet.
Keep a note of dates when she excludes you.
It may come in handy.

I would ask her not to touch you if that happens again. But avoid her.

Just remember that you are a group of people who your employer has decided has the right skills to do the job and that you are paid for that.
You don't have to be friends.

Like your face? What the hell does that even mean?

I had a horrible work colleague between the age of 20 -24 and I found the best way to deal with her was to be nice and not care. She was a good 35 years older than me and had a real chip on her shoulder from day one when she told me I was the second choice after interview and only got the job because the other lady didn't want it. I have absolutely no idea why she was such a twat to me for the first few years. She would exclude me and ignore me, make sarky comments and roll her eyes at me. I was great at the job, never took time off and did what I was told so no issues there. She just hated me from the off. Anyway, I never ever used to rise to the bait. I'd basically pretend I didn't know anything was going on, talk normally and get on with things. I didn't really care anyway to be honest- I didn't need a friend, I just wanted the money to go out and have fun at the weekend! She eventually just gave up. By the time I left to go on maternity leave, she was kind to me all the time, didn't want me to leave and got me lovely gifts 🤷‍♀️.
I'd suggest doing the same. Don't care, be neutral and polite, let it all go over your head. Make it so boring she can't be arsed. She wants you to care. Don't.

Things like the "your face" comment - ask her to explain what she means. Anything that could be barbed or insulting, get her to repeat it - eg "can you say that again? I think I misheard you." and if she does repeat it., get her to explain "I'm not sure I follow quite what you mean by that. Can you explain?" If self-explanatory something like "Why do you think it's appropriate to comment on my appearance like that?" She will doubtless claim she was joking, at which you say "Oh, I see. Anyway, what's everyone up to this werkend" or other deadpan reply followed by a subject change.

The biscuit crumbs brushing "no, Ill do that myself thank you".

Otherwise avoid her if you can do so professionally and without excluding yourself from office events etc.

Grey rock and rise above it. Before I say anything to her, I just check in my head what I hope to achieve from saying it, and if there's nothing to be gained I just wouldn't bother (this is incidentally how I deal with my ex - and it works like a charm)

I find it helps to kind of step back in your own head and view them as an interesting human you're observing - with curiosity about what on earth they might do next - rather than taking it personally.

Being able to laugh about the absolute bat-shittery to yourself is so much better than taking it to heart and worrying about it.

Buy a small notebook.

Each time she says or does shit like that, get the book out, slowly make a note of everything she said or did, including the names of everyone in the room that witnessed it. Take a photo of the page and email it to yourself. Then put the book away.

If she asks what you are doing say 'I have been advised to take note of every instance of bullying' and say no more. When you have 10 instances, take them to your manager and ask them and HR for a meeting.

She's jealous. Insecure. Sees you as a threat. You can ignore and avoid or make the enemy your friend. Personally I would ignore as don't have time or energy for false emotions

wow she's incredibly jealous and intimidated by you! That means you're the one in control. Either grey rock her, because she wants a reaction, or put her down. Laugh, smile and raise your eyebrows, give her patronising looks when she has one of her moments. Kill with kindness

Hold up. She brushed crumbs off you and you did nothing?

Time to fight back op

But none of what the OP mentions sounds like a pattern of bullying or anything like it. A mildly mystifying comment the Op should have asked her to clarify at the time if it bothered her? Copying something distinctive about the OP’s appearance? Brushing crumbs off her jumper? Going for coffee with colleagues when the OP is away from her desk?

@AndSheDid she has done stuff like this countless times. Doesn’t include me in conversations, pass agg remarks, singling me out, you name it. All very mild but collectively not nice.

Yes, exactly the same as my old colleague mentioned in my other post. Nothing absolutely horrendous, just lots of stupid shit. Just totally ignore it all. She's not your friend, you don't want her as a friend so no loss to you. It's her that is spending her life plotting mean things to do -which is immensely sad and boring isn't it? Just do your job, talk to the people you like, remain polite but neutral with her and forget she exists really. Don't bother to comment along in her conversations, just smile and nod and don't give her your opinions. She won't get anything out of being a twat anymore because she wants you to notice and be upset and if you don't she has nowhere to go with it. Mine gave up in the end when she realised I just didn't give a shit and wasn't going to respond or cause a drama.

You’re unlikely to be imagining it op so definitely trust your instincts. As others have said notes (including the date and time) are so important in these situations. I took notes in my previous job about the same type of behaviour, which does meet the ACAS definition of bullying. I moved on to another job but was called as a witness in a bullying complaint made by my replacement a couple of years later, I was so pleased to be able to help the next person.
It’s easy for other people to say rise above it but I know how much it can hurt when it’s small things everyday. It’s entirely her problem and no reflection on you.

Do you think maybe she thought your comment re what are the chances of that as being an accusation it wasn’t true and fired back. Doesn’t explain the other stuff but if she is copying you maybe she is intimidated by you. I would just be forcibly nice but as others say don’t share anything real just keep it surface

The “yes like your face!” comment stands out as teenage level bullying to me OP

Personally I think it’s very serious but I also think some of the grey rock techniques me mentioned here are effective - if you build inner confidence in yourself it won’t affect you

Yes I’ve found with people like this the vital thing is not to share anything !

You’re doing nothing wrong. But it’s a truism that a lot of bullies don’t realise they’re bullying. Take that thought where you will.

She sounds delightful :|
Do you share the same manager? Even if you don't, you should speak to your manager about it.

She’s obviously incredibly insecure and sees you as a threat. Toxic attitude in an office environment. This will only get worse, so make a record of each interaction contemporaneously. She’ll try and undermine you and force you out.