Exclusionary colleague

[User818gahwjwjjeek]

I’ve got a colleague who blows hot and cold – but only with me. We’re a similar age and I can’t shake the feeling she sees me as competition. She’s even recently changed her appearance to copy something quite distinctive about mine (big change for her). Maybe it’s nothing, but it felt telling.

It’s a very small workplace and I’ve noticed a pattern: if I nip out briefly, she’ll round up a little group and march them out for coffee. I’m never included, and it only happens when I’m not around – she’s very much the ringleader. When she’s off, nobody else does it.

Yesterday she was telling a story and I said, “oh what are the chances of that happening.” She looked straight at me and said, “yes, like your face!” I had no idea what she meant – I assumed maybe something like Sod’s Law / breakout before a big event – so I just laughed it off. But it felt barbed.

Later she noticed some crumbs on my jumper and brushed them off for me in this really patronising way. We’re not friends, so it just felt so intrusive. She often bangs on about how competitive she is, so I don’t know if it’s jealousy, or what.

Has anyone else been in this situation? How would you deal with it?

"yes, like your face!” - what is she, 12? What grown woman would say something like that?

Just ignore her when you can, if you have to engage be super nice, kill her with kindness!

I'm not sure she's the jealous one!

She's obviously quite popular - hence 'marching' out for coffee etc.

Although she really should include you, she can probably tell you don't like her, so why would she bother?

Brushing crumbs off does actually involve touching someone without their consent and could be an offence. If a man came up to you and brushed crumbs off you would you dismiss it so lightly?

Organising a team event and deliberately leaving out one person is discriminatory and HR will classify as harassment. Even something as “minor” as a quick trip to the coffee shop.

Your employer should have policies on bullying/harassment, so take a look and see what is suggested as the next step. Then it’s up to you on whether you can grey rock your way through it, or whether you feel you need to take a stand and use the policy.

I would, unless he brushed them off my tits.

I get that the OP might've felt it invasive but it wasn't an 'offence'.

The like your face comment is a clear insult. I would be putting a complaint in. She sounds awful

Be professional and ignore it. Carry on with your life. It's pathetic to leave one person out for coffee.

Sadly I have experienced toxic jealous competitive colleagues too. Here's the thing - it isn't going to get any better and it may get worse. She is jealous and feels threatened by you. In a way she has done you a favour by showing you this. You now know you cannot trust her and will never be friends. But at the moment she is trying to dominate the workplace and you. You cannot control the actions of this person, but there are a lot of things you can do to protect yourself and make work bearable. I think this falls into either not at all reacting to her and literally ignoring her as much as possible (grey rock technique) or showing her up and making her cautious around you.

Here is my advice

• if you can find a different workplace to move to then do, as this isnt going to sort itself out unless she leaves. However this doesnt need to be anytime soon - do it when you are ready to - keep an eye open for better opportunities and start to view it as a stepping stone to something better.
• Start to care less about your job and the people there - it is liberating ! Build or foster your friendships and support networks outside of work so you dont care so much about those at work.
• Prepare an approach for dealing with her - it will help you feel equipped to better deal with it. Even prepare some retorts. A strategy you could use is to call her out each time with kind words and fake kindness - eg if she is bitchy to your face with comments, respond (if you can with a smile) 'oh wow thats catty ..... are you feeling alright (insert name)'. If she brushes crumbs off you again I would personally make a fuss about her touching you inappropriately '(insert name) ...... no one touches me there except my significant other - do you touch everyone in that way? or 'are your family ok with you touching them like that? Everything she does or says to you pivot it back onto her.
• Grey rock her where you can with work information - dont let her know anything you are working on or involved with unless she has to know.
• Document everything to start building a pattern and gaining evidence.
• You could also document in emails either to her or to yourself - seeing something in writing can make a person sit up and take note - eg email her explaining it is not appropriate ever for her to touch you on your body without consent - and helpfully send her a link to a website about consent.

Once you care less and have a reliable approach you may even start to enjoy her antics. Once she is more cautious around you she will back off a bit - but you could never trust her to be be friends - she has shown you who she is.

Do we work with the same woman OP?!
I have one just like this where I work too…. I waited until the poor lady that she is controlling (30 years older) pretending to be her BFF was on leave and I made sure she had a wonderful week where she was very visibly excluded - I know mean and probably bullying But only giving back as good I had been receiving for months. She now says morning and that is it we don’t speak unless we have too and it’s always now professional, polite and probably only about 4 words.

i know the girl isn’t your friend but somehow it does get to you after a while and makes you question yourself. You’re young learn how to deal with these people now as when the perimenopause anxiety kicks in makes it so much worse.

I’m going to try some of these suggestions on my work colleague see if it helps….

Good luck OP

I don’t know whether or not doing this in front of her is what HR would advise but I think it’s an excellent idea!

Are you the colleague?

Grey rock unless it gets so bad you HAVE to call her out. I had to do this and she changed her attitude to me overnight….. we still exchange Christmas cards!!!

She sounds deliberately unpleasant in addition to being very unprofessional.

Your starting point for all of these interactions is the MN classic: “Did you mean to be SO rude?”

And document (and date) every single time she does this. If it escalates, you may need it. And if she sees you documenting it and it scares her into behaving like a decent human being, win-win.

If you’re really concerned why don’t you keep a diary of what is happening for a month? If there’s anything from email too, keep a record. This way you will have specific information written down and can see for yourself if there is anything ‘actionable’ within the workplace.

Hmmm. Work incidents like a small group of colleagues going out together or engaging in social chitchat at breaks and not including others is just workplace behaviour. You cant like everyone you work with and its natural to gravitate towards people you have some affinity with. I once found myself excluded from one group who were all married women with children. Whereas I was child free and a mature student reading psychology at the uni. A sociologist would say that there was a class difference between us reflected in the way we spoke and dressed. They sat in a huddle planning a Christmas night out in such a way that it was difficult not to hear. Nowadays this would be considered "bullying" in a workplace. I was polite and civil to my colleagues but I had nothing in common with them and purely social interaction was minimal. It would never have occurred to me to go whinging and snitching to the manager because they had not "included" me. It was just a four hour shift to be got through and I got paid for it at the end of the month.

Please watch Jefferson Fisher on social media. He’s a trial lawyer but posts bite sized advises on how to deal with situations just like this.

asking her to repeat what she said - forces them to repeat or try and back track

ask her what she meant by that - usually they’ll try and pass it off as banter or say ‘oh I didn’t mean it that way’

long pause - often people will try and fill the silence or make a joke of the comment.

He’s really good and not confrontational, just designed to make people communicate better.

Yes this.

It becomes a lot easier if you don't care. You are never going to be in her gang. Don't try and refuse to acknowledge any bid to cut you out.

Go high. Be deliberately over nice and don't engage with her nipping. If you react, somehow you'll be in the wrong so don't give her the satisfaction.

Treat it like a game. Award yourself points in your head. It helps to take the sting out of it.

If you want to say something then just type it into your phone and delete it or write it here
Get out your feelings elsewhere but paint on a smile.

It's hard to exclude someone who doesn't rise to it. 'oh was the coffee good?' said to another colleague in your best cheery voice, 'what you up to this weekend '...

This is great advice.

How horrible! This person is totally not worth it. I’ve got two SILs like this (opposite sides of the family). I now make no effort because I realise that any friendship that has once side beating themselves up trying to keep the other happy, is not a friendship that’s worth any time. I’m now so much happier and I have a lovely SIL who likes me for me, and we have a very honest relationship, no judging, no gossip, no feeling left out (much to the annoyance of the one). But certainly on one side, if she ever was to ask I’d throw all my reasons at her, then walk away