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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be wary of Uncle

58 replies

Chickencuddle · 22/09/2025 17:18

Hi everyone. Long story short, as my husband would say I have a weird family. My parents were abusive. My uncle was very strange....but dont know if classed as abuse.
He used to show me lots of secually explicit videos and make me watch. Pausing parts to comment on sexual body parts etc. He would always ask me if I had a boy friend and comment on how im too ugly for a boyfriend. Ask me if I kiss boys etc. This is from every young age.
He would also speak about explicit subjects in great detail and ask me questions on it. I was very uncomfortable and hated it.
But other than being a bit inappropriate he didnt do anything wrong. We didnt see him that much but when we did see him he always made me uncomfortable.
I haven't seen him since going into care. Im pretty sure my parents told everyone I lied and that they are innocent etc.
So he has recently contacted me about my grandma being seriously ill and it may not be long I said I would like to see her and he said he would ask her. He then came back to me and said she would like to see me. (This in itself is annoying as I have seen her and had contact with her and she always wanted to speak to me so why wouldn't she now)
But fine. I asked for details so I could arrange to visit her. She has been taken in to a care home abd I dont know where as he won't tell me. I live in NI and they live in England so will need to arrange flights etc. He jyst ignored my messages and then after 3 messages came back saying he would have to check how she is.
He did this and said she is stable but any infection she gets she won't be able to fight and shes losing weight and not eating etc. I again asked for details so i can visit and he didnt reply. I messaged another 2 times (over space of maybe 5vdays) and he came back with an annoyed text asking me to leave it with him as there are other people to consider and arrangements to be made. I apologised and said I didnt realise and I will leave it with him.
Im so torn as this man was strange but didnt do much wrong. But also sided with my abusers but also maybe didnt know.
Im being formal and polite but not wanting to be over friendly. I know his mum is sick and I should probably feel compassion which I kind of do byt I also feel angry that im in this position and unable to jyst go see her as he is preventing that. I dont know. Thoughts?

OP posts:

WannaFOffOnHoliday · 22/09/2025 17:21

Can you ring him?

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 22/09/2025 17:22

Exposing dc to anything of a sexual nature like he did is abuse..

Can you try and find the home yourself? Ring around.

Original poster

Chickencuddle · 22/09/2025 17:23

Tbh im not great on the phone I know it sounds ridiculous but I never phone anyone and he messaged first so I messaged back. Bear in mind we haven't spoken in 20 odd years and there's alot of awkwardness I guess. Also I dont really like him and also what would I say? He's just asked for me to leave it with him

OP posts:

AnonymousCatLady3 · 22/09/2025 17:25

I’m sorry @Chickencuddle but you were abused by this man. Showing you sexualised videos and the comments was abuse.

He seems to be using your need to see your gran as another form of abuse - making you beg for the slightest bit of information.

You could try to ring him as PP have said, but another option would be to speak to Social services wherever your gran lives and see if they can find out where she is for you - you mention you were in care so you could use that as a reason to not have the information from your parents.

I’m sorry yours going through this.

Teachingagain · 22/09/2025 17:29

He sexually abused you. I am sorry this happened to you.

PuppyMonkey · 22/09/2025 17:35

What he did was really, really, really wrong OP.

Original poster

Chickencuddle · 22/09/2025 17:37

I know its inappropriate and creepy but would it actually be abuse. He never touched me under my clothes or anything. Also it wasnt porn it was like streaker videos and would pause on body parts etc. And sometimes maybe some sex scenes in movies.

OP posts:

YodasHairyButt · 22/09/2025 17:38

Chickencuddle · 22/09/2025 17:37

Absolutely it was abuse.

Original poster

Chickencuddle · 22/09/2025 17:45

Part of me feels like I should be thanking him for contacting me and grateful for a breadcrumb of information. And sorry for what he's going through but I cant make myself say that. Am I a terrible person.

OP posts:

FrenchFancie · 22/09/2025 17:46

Yes it was sexual abuse, I’m so sorry OP.

GreenSedan · 22/09/2025 17:46

He definitely abused you. Im really sorry 💐

HateMyselfToo · 22/09/2025 17:51

Yes it was abuse and he is using the story of your Nan to control you.
Block his number and make your own inquiries via social services.
I'm sorry you had this start in life, but you can take back control now.

MeatballMenu · 22/09/2025 17:51

@Chickencuddle

Of course you aren't a terrible person. He abused you.

Are you getting any sort of support or counselling - if not, please look into what is available to you. You really shouldn't have to live your life feeling like this.

SparklyGlitterballs · 22/09/2025 17:51

The fact he's not giving you details so you can visit, do you think there's any chance your grandma isn't really ill and he's just making this up to get back in contact with you OP? I may be way off but just a thought. He's definitely abusive and you're unintentionally minimising it in your head.

Teachingagain · 22/09/2025 17:51

Yes, it is abuse. It’s a crime carrying the sentence ranging from 40 – 80 hours of unpaid work and a curfew of up to 16 hours, various things in between and up to 4 years in prison.

kiwiane · 22/09/2025 17:53

Your uncle is also a criminal abuser; can you contact your grand previous GP of neighbours to ask where she may be? I wouldn’t want anything to do with your uncle even if it means you don’t see your gran again.

Apocketfilledwithposies · 22/09/2025 17:56

OP he sexually abused you. I'm sorry, that must be very hard to confront in your mind. 😔

I think the advice to contact SS and ask if they can help you track down your nan as uncle was also abusive and is being elusive and controlling with info.

Serpentstooth · 22/09/2025 17:57

Yes, your uncle is a dangerous and sexually abusive man and you would do yourself a service by having nothing to do with him. I'm concerned that you have to ask if his behaviour is/was acceptable. That is how your family has warped your perception of how people should respect each other, particularly within family boundaries. Please get some advice from Women's Aid if you feel you must have contact with him. You have absolutely nothing to thank him for.

Woodworm2020 · 22/09/2025 17:58

Just to be clear. This man 100% abused you. 100%.
Im so sorry you had to endure that.

Original poster

Chickencuddle · 22/09/2025 17:58

The sexual stuff that went on in my house as a child is crazy to think back on now. I think ive only just started confronting it in my mind due to other things and really realising how bad it was. So my uncle stuff seemed normal. Also he did alot confront of other family members who laughed or never said anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chickencuddle · 22/09/2025 18:11

Thank you 3veryone for replies. It's strange because I know its wrong but hard to put that word to it ifywim. I have recently applied for counselling as I am struggling with flashbacks and just feeling really sad and alone about my past. Feel like there's something wrong with me. Damaged goods.

OP posts:

Sassylovesbooks · 22/09/2025 18:23

Your Uncle absolutely abused you. He used sexual images to deliberately make you feel uncomfortable. He wanted to make you feel intimidated and uncomfortable, because it gave him a sense of power over you. In turn, I suspect that sense of power, gave him a sexual thrill. He's a nasty predator. He's told you that your Grandma is very unwell and may not survive, if she suffers another infection. Yet when you've asked for the name of the care home, she's supposedly in, he's not given you those details. He's now using your Grandma's illness, to control you. It's entirely possible that your Grandma isn't in a care home (she could still be living in her own home) and/or isn't actually seriously unwell. Of course, it's possible he is telling the truth, but he's still deliberately withholding information to control you. Do you have the last address your knew your Grandma to live? Do you have a telephone number for her? I'd be tempted to contact social services, especially as you were in care, and have no contact with your family, and ask if they can help trace her. Your Uncle is enjoying dangling a carrot in front of you, keeping you on edge, and sadly you may never get the information out of him.

Daleksatemyshed · 22/09/2025 18:32

You are not "damaged goods" Op, you were a child groomed and abused by adults, if your Uncle was mild compared to other people then that's dreadful but he was still an abuser. He's playing you Op, he has something you want so he's manipulating you for his own ends

Floogal · 22/09/2025 18:33

Chickencuddle · 22/09/2025 17:37

If a guy did that in the workplace/college etc, it is likely they would get fired, police involved and likely a beating from the offended woman's boyfriend or husband or father for being a major creep.
So you're uncle was definitely in the wrong. I am so sorry.

MeganM3 · 22/09/2025 18:38

Stay away from him. Don’t message him anymore. You’ve asked for the location and he has purposefully not given it to you. Its control isn’t it.

Either find out the location of your grandmother another way, avoid seeing or speaking to him, or just leave it. It might not be worth seeing her if it’s going to cause you upset and having to deal with abusive people.

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