To be wary of Uncle

[Chickencuddle]

Hi everyone. Long story short, as my husband would say I have a weird family. My parents were abusive. My uncle was very strange....but dont know if classed as abuse.
He used to show me lots of secually explicit videos and make me watch. Pausing parts to comment on sexual body parts etc. He would always ask me if I had a boy friend and comment on how im too ugly for a boyfriend. Ask me if I kiss boys etc. This is from every young age.
He would also speak about explicit subjects in great detail and ask me questions on it. I was very uncomfortable and hated it.
But other than being a bit inappropriate he didnt do anything wrong. We didnt see him that much but when we did see him he always made me uncomfortable.
I haven't seen him since going into care. Im pretty sure my parents told everyone I lied and that they are innocent etc.
So he has recently contacted me about my grandma being seriously ill and it may not be long I said I would like to see her and he said he would ask her. He then came back to me and said she would like to see me. (This in itself is annoying as I have seen her and had contact with her and she always wanted to speak to me so why wouldn't she now)
But fine. I asked for details so I could arrange to visit her. She has been taken in to a care home abd I dont know where as he won't tell me. I live in NI and they live in England so will need to arrange flights etc. He jyst ignored my messages and then after 3 messages came back saying he would have to check how she is.
He did this and said she is stable but any infection she gets she won't be able to fight and shes losing weight and not eating etc. I again asked for details so i can visit and he didnt reply. I messaged another 2 times (over space of maybe 5vdays) and he came back with an annoyed text asking me to leave it with him as there are other people to consider and arrangements to be made. I apologised and said I didnt realise and I will leave it with him.
Im so torn as this man was strange but didnt do much wrong. But also sided with my abusers but also maybe didnt know.
Im being formal and polite but not wanting to be over friendly. I know his mum is sick and I should probably feel compassion which I kind of do byt I also feel angry that im in this position and unable to jyst go see her as he is preventing that. I dont know. Thoughts?

Do you know your grandmothers GP? Could you find out from them where she is?

Yes that was abuse. I'd cut all contact with him. I'd try ringing around to find her.

Thanks so much everyone. Will have a think over what i want to do.

It was sexual abuse as he was an adult and you were a child. As a child, you couldn't consent to this. He should have been reported to the police. Don't worry about his feelings. Do what you need to do to see your grandmother.

I'm so sorry that you had such dreadful and abusive parents and an uncle.

Thank you. Most people just laughed at what he did like it was funny. A part of me knew I think as I never spoke about it to friends. I think I kind of knew they'd be shocked and wouldn't want yo hang out with me. But it did also feel very normal as we were just always surrounded by it.

No, he is a terrible person.

He sexually abused you when you were a child.

He's playing with your emotions now

Yes, what your uncle did was absolutely abuse. It sounds like there was so much abusive stuff going on in your childhood that your idea of what's normal or not has been completely messed up. He's a pervert.

Its strange because even after hearing people say this it still feels like overreacting although i know that if anyone did that near my kids id be furious and never let me kids near them and be reportign them. But it just feels different when its my memories and things that happened to me.

Because that's what abuse does - makes you feel like you don't matter. (In the abuser's mind, you don't). But you do.

He absolutely did do something wrong op

Yes, it is sexual abuse. Im sorry he did that to you, he sounds awful and it appears he is trying to manipulate you more and have some power over you. When you are feeling able and safe, if you google this it will clearly tell you the various forms of child sexual abuse.

I would try to contact the care home without going through him, and then I’d never speak to him again.

OP, in case you need more factual advice…

I work in the criminal courts. What your uncle did was a criminal offence that carries a potential prison term. I see people prosecuted very regularly for the offences he committed. The specific law is Causing a child to watch a sexual act, under the Sexual Offences Act 2003.

I’m sorry for what he did to you. Downplaying it is a defence mechanism. I hope you’re ok

Yes, it is abuse. It is listed as a form of a child sexual abuse in the safeguarding legislation.

@Chickencuddle what your Uncle did was absolutely abuse, and you are not to blame in any way.

Your family , as I recall from what you said on your previous threads, were mostly all like him, and were utterly awful to you. Sexually, physically, emotionally.

None of that was your fault, either!

Please tell me you've now escaped from your abusive, coercive, rapist husband and you and your children have finally escaped out of the nightmare situation he was subjecting you to.

I often think of you and your past posts, and had hoped you'd escaped from him, and am glad you are posting , again.

Please, keep posting.

We are all here, supporting you.

💕

Im so torn as this man was strange but didnt do much wrong.

He did ALOT of wrong.

Showing you sexually explicit videos when you were a child is classed as a form of sexual abuse. Im so sorry you experienced this.

Im also sorry to hear your grandma is unwell.

I would approach the subject by: Contacting your uncle and ask for the name/address of the care home and that you will make your own arrangements to get there, and you will arrange a visit with the staff -not him.

OP this is so sad and upsetting to read. I'm so so sorry. You sound self-reflective and fair-minded, articulate and caring.
It's no wonder you feel sad and damaged. But none of it is your fault, and you can heal. Wish I could hug you ( if you'd like a hug).

It’s a criminal offence what he did to you.

Section 12: Causing a child to watch a sexual actSection 12 makes it an offence for a person (A) intentionally to cause a child aged under 16, for the purpose of the sexual gratification of A, to watch a third person engaging in sexual activity or to look at an image of a person engaging in sexual activity.

I am sorry he did that. Don’t engage with him and as others have said try and call local care homes or social services. Do not go through him he seems to be using it as a way to contact/ control you.

It actually wasnt sexual activity most of the time. It was streamers so jyst alot of nudity. He spoke alot about sexual acts to me. But didn't show apart from maybe a sex scene in a movie but who knows if that was accidental?

Sorry streaking videos.

I grew up in a similar environment to you and it’s shit.
I felt like every one around me was obsessed with sex. I was never physically touched but I was put in an environment of seeing/hearing/viewing sex. It is sexual abuse and your uncle knows it. I’d either message him and say.. I’ve remembered the movies you used to make me watch and I want you to know you are a disgusting vile nonce, or I’d block him. Don’t minimise his actions, sorry this happened to you, I know it’s shit.

Sorry if I've missed this but can't your parents tell you where your grandma is? Or another relative?

My mother is dead im no contact with my father. My cousin and aunt who I speak to are on the other side of my family and wont know anything about it as they dont keep in contact either. So no.

Im sorry you went through thay feel free to message me if you ever want someone to talk to. It can feel so isolating I never talk about it irl as it feels so disgusting and like people will not understand and think im weird/disgusting etc.

I have heard other survivors of severe childhood abuse talk about having to go through two different stages of confronting what happened. The obvious initial first one of say a physically abusive mother or sexually abusive brother and what that abuse has done to you. But then later a kind of secondary revelation that others who you might have viewed as on your side because 'mum would tell him to stop it and fight with him when she would find him in my bed' or 'auntie would take me for a milkshake when she knew my parents were on a bender'. In a child's eyes these people can seem to be on your side or even just 'not as bad as the others' but when they look back with adult eyes they realise that they were massively culpable in contributing to keeping you in a dysfunctional family by hiding abuse, keeping an abuser in the home, laughing off what was done to you, refusing to get social involved, scaring a kid about what would happen if they talk to a teacher. In most cases of severe child abuse and neglect there is a constellation of dysfunctional and culpable adults and often this has to be dealt with by survivors one ring of responsibility at a time.

I can relate to this, I always thought my dad was my safe person, he had know choice but to leave and the biggest head fuck… At least he loves me.
The truth is, he chose to have children with an abusive piece of shit and then chose to leave me, a seven year old and my five year old brother because it was to much for him… It was so hard for me to accept that he couldn’t have loved us, if he had he would have taken us with him.
Op everything you’ve described is awful, I’m no expert but I am 5 years no contact and I have started to deal with it. I reported it to the police… It ended with a charge and a court case which surprised me given how many years had passed. It actually helped having the police and courts acknowledge how disgraceful people have treated me. I’ve had therapy, I’ve learned coping techniques (mainly gardening like a lunatic when the memories are at their worst) And I know Mumsnet hates this phrase but acknowledging my inner child was a huge one but it’s true… The little girl inside of you who was so disgustingly abused needs to be heard, trauma fucks your brain, insomnia, depression, anxiety, the constant feeling of waiting for something to go wrong won’t begin to heal until you give that child the chance to tell her story.
Again i’m so sorry for you, non physical sexual abuse of a child is abuse and it’s fucking awful, don’t minimise what that man or anybody else did to you.