Can we have a wedding no siblings in this case....

[Heythere55]

Wanting opinions AIBU
For transparency, I am an only child so want to ensure I am not being unfair really to DP.

We have been together a long time and looking to get married next year (already have 2 children). We live far away therefore inviting family means a commitment of a big trip.

We want something really small and budget friendly. We have looked at lovely little venues which can hold around 20 people for a meal. Perfect.

With separated parents and new husbands/wives, that's 8 people already.

Now DP has brought up his sibling...... I won't lie, she comes with a lot of drama. she doesn't get on with both step parents and it WILL be an atmosphere unfortunately. But with her , and her children plus her new partner and potentially his two children (I have never met him or his children!) it would take up over a quarter of the guests and mean we cannot have a few of our really close friends.
Friends are almost family to us being expats and we have christmases , birthdays together, watch each others children. I'd be upset to not have some there but also we don't have the budget to go larger (huge jumps in price for larger areas, seems places near us cater for 20 then 40, 60 etc).

DP also has TWO other siblings but they are very very unlikely come for other reasons. Therefore they wouldn't be the only not coming.

Would it be unreasonable to keep it parents only under the circumstances?

It will definitely reduce stress and any drama . Without sibling there we can likely do more with parents all together during the trip as sibling won't spend time with one parent / either of the step parents and means we will have to split ourselves more and deal with lots of juggling/politics.

I may have misunderstood but if you invite the sister I think you really need to invite the other siblings even if you think they can't come. We didn't invite someone we knew couldn't come, turns out they really wanted an invitation (even though we are still 99.9% sure they couldn't have come) and we never heard the end of it. There was no logic to it.

Honestly, I'd have been really upset not to have been invited to my siblings' weddings. Edited to add - and I'd have been really upset if friends had gone to the small wedding and siblings were excluded.

I talked to my siblings - who are scattered around the world - about time of year, who could come from their side (neices and nephews etc) and that took place quite a long time before the invitations went out.

Also...I'd have been really wary of telling my soon to be DH which of his family couldn't come...

It's a bit of a leap between excluding his sister altogether vs having her+partner+children. I think you should invite her but be clear that the invitation is just for her, that she will be very welcome but you can't accommodate any extras, then it's only one person on the guest list and you can invite your friends, and the chances are that she will decline anyway. She may resent you having failed to invite her partner and children just as much as she would resent being totally excluded, but she would be less reasonable to do so. If she accepts the invitation, your STBDH should have a word with her that the only gift you want from her is that she maintains a civil and positive attitude to other wedding attendees and refrains from spoiling the day with any negativity.

You don't need that kind of stress on your wedding day. If you think there will be drama, then invite parents & their partners only. Promise to do something for the wider family when you're next in your home country.

Thanks everyone for input. It has been really valuable.

We are deciding on venue this weekend so will chat around it.
Ultimately it is DP decision being his own siblings but I'll share my thoughts (I would never tell him what he can do!).

Will try to remember to update for anyone interested!

I think you've got this so topsy turvy. You work out who you'd like at your wedding, and then find a venue that fits (and is affordable).

You've also got this thing about 'travelling guests' - it's upto them if they can make it or not, rather than you putting an extra high bar on it (compared with local guests).

I think you should invite all the siblings. If they want to be there, they'll figure out a way. Even the brother who is afraid of flying might try to overcome it for his brother's wedding.

Then once you know how many are coming, find a venue that fits. That might be a shortly less fancier one if everyone days yes, or you might cut corners elsewhere, but a wedding should be about celebration with the people you love, first, IMO.

The travel and trip as a whole is a huge element but it can be hard to understand that when not an expat and all the dynamics that come with it.

I don't really see anymore corners to cut when we are already not doing bridesmaids, flowers etc. I don't even think I will have a proper wedding dress!

It is frustrating, but a decision that in your head is all about consideration and balance, can come across to others as cold hearted, stuck up and brutal. If your Dh still wants a relationship with his siblings, then invite them all with families, but make it clear that it will be an extremely basic celebration. The chances of them all coming sounds quite low.

you need to work out your approach:
if she is invited - all siblings are invited ( you don’t know they might come)
no children - so you don’t invite children and it’s up to her (and up to other guests actually) what they will do with their children.
Parents only - so no people who are not your parents/ step parents. and friends go as witnesses.

So he has to choose between sister drama or wife to be drama?

IMO, venue is chosen to suit guest numbers and budget, not the other way around.

He wants to invite her. You know that. Even if you get your way now, it will bite you because you know he will be disappointed on the day and resentment os a bad place to start a marriage. Shes heos dfamily and you know what youre marrying into.

I'd just say to him that if you go to X venue for 20 people you want to invite your family and these friends. Who does he want to invite? Does that take you over numbers and if so, can you pay extra for them? If not, you need to look at other venues.

I think it is completely unreasonable not to allow your DH to invite his own sister to his own wedding when he has said this is his preference! You may not like her, she may indeed be drama, but it's his wedding too, and you are marrying into his family. YABVU imho.

Do all of your family live in the same place? E.g are they all in UK and you are in Australia?

It's a massive trip and it's likely many won't be able to afford it, coordinate it, spare the annual leave etc.

I'd go in the better to invite and let her turn it down camp.

But, are you planning a trip home at any point closest to the wedding? Given you've already committed your lives together through having kids and moving half way across the world, is there another way to do it? E.g have the legal part in your country with friends and then, if you are planning a trip home, have some sort of blessing with family?

While I might like to visit a relative in Oz, I'd hate to have to do it on a set timetable and with people I might not like given they are separated.

@Heythere55 , your posts are a massive dripfeed.

Get married in a legal ceremony with only your children and official witnesses present.
Have a blessing in the UK. That way, you are ones shouldering the costs and time off work.

I’m assuming something like family in the UK and you’re in Australia. That’s a huge trip for a small scale wedding that’s likely to just be the ceremony and then a lunch.
Could you do that with your local friends and then travel back to have a civil ceremony/party with your family, so that all the siblings have the chance to attend?

There's a thought...

I think, invite the siblings, no kids and no plus ones. This sort of means that the invitation is a formality only, as ypu and they know that they really aren't going to want to travel to the other side of the world without making a family holiday out of it. If it was my sibling I would be incredibly hurt if I didn't receive an invitation, it would be a nail in the coffin of our relationship. They might come along with their families and join you alone for the wedding itself, but take the opportunity to spend time with you and other family members separate to the actual wedding day, iuswim. It depends on their circumstances and budgets.

Perfect. So there you go. Invite her and she will decline : everybody's happy.

You invite all Sibling, say no to her P, & say no children,
She probably won’t come.
job done

You don’t want to invite her but he does. He’s just going along with it.
IMO the friends are on the cull list before siblings. Friends change with time, siblings don’t. Even if they are a pain in the bum.

You need to invite the siblings then if they say no you can have friends in their place. But not inviting them is just awful and will cause a lot more tension going forwards than she’ll manage at a wedding.

why are you bothering at all ? Just go to a registry office or the equivalent of where you are and get married just the two of you.

I would invite her and her children. Plus the other siblings. She doesn’t need to bring her partner or his children. Honestly, I wouldn’t fly 30 hours with my dc and all the expense of flights, hotel, meals, etc for the wedding of a sibling I wasn’t close to. Never mind school fines for multiple children. Get RSVPs early from everyone and then do another round of invites to friends when you know what space you have.

surely you could just invite all 3 siblings, but make it clear to them that (a) it's a super-small event, so you're just inviting them (no partners and no children), parents and close friends; and (b) you won't be offended if they don't come (and you'd rather see them some other time - either where you live or where they live).

NB: There's nowhere in the world that can ONLY be reached by plane. If your DH's brother is keen to attend but doesn't want to fly he could conceivably arrange an alternative mode of transport, given enough notice.

Reading your updates it looks like you are not going to have a wedding in a traditional way, more like a ceremony and a dinner.
Your parents are coming to share the day with you but inviting siblings (and their kids and/or partners) will absolutely make it into a much bigger event than you want so stick to parents only. And have a dinner with your friends after at some point.
You can’t invite one sibling and not another, it’s very very rude (unless you are enemies already) even if you know that they won’t come

I think I would “elope” tbh.

Just get married quietly then have a get together where you live, and celebrate individually with family members when back in home country.

You need to make this smaller, not bigger.