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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can we have a wedding no siblings in this case....

73 replies

Heythere55 · 22/09/2025 13:29

Wanting opinions AIBU
For transparency, I am an only child so want to ensure I am not being unfair really to DP.

We have been together a long time and looking to get married next year (already have 2 children). We live far away therefore inviting family means a commitment of a big trip.

We want something really small and budget friendly. We have looked at lovely little venues which can hold around 20 people for a meal. Perfect.

With separated parents and new husbands/wives, that's 8 people already.

Now DP has brought up his sibling...... I won't lie, she comes with a lot of drama. she doesn't get on with both step parents and it WILL be an atmosphere unfortunately. But with her , and her children plus her new partner and potentially his two children (I have never met him or his children!) it would take up over a quarter of the guests and mean we cannot have a few of our really close friends.
Friends are almost family to us being expats and we have christmases , birthdays together, watch each others children. I'd be upset to not have some there but also we don't have the budget to go larger (huge jumps in price for larger areas, seems places near us cater for 20 then 40, 60 etc).

DP also has TWO other siblings but they are very very unlikely come for other reasons. Therefore they wouldn't be the only not coming.

Would it be unreasonable to keep it parents only under the circumstances?

It will definitely reduce stress and any drama . Without sibling there we can likely do more with parents all together during the trip as sibling won't spend time with one parent / either of the step parents and means we will have to split ourselves more and deal with lots of juggling/politics.

OP posts:

Original poster

Heythere55 · 22/09/2025 14:07

ttcbubbanumber2 · 22/09/2025 14:02

Is it worth DH speaking to his siblings to let them know it’s only going to be a small wedding and it might not be worth lugging the kids 30 hours away to go for the day? Can you say about celebrating at another time together.

Show quote history

Yeah I think we need to make this clear as it really is going to be essentially a ceremony and lunch. I don't even want flowers really!

in terms of the other siblings ...
other sister will not be able to come due to work other commitments we know of the next few years . Brother won't travel as scared of flying.

OP posts:

Catwalking · 22/09/2025 14:09

Legally speaking; “Only the couple, an officiant, and legally recognized witnesses are absolutely required to attend a wedding.

While family and friends are invited to celebrate, their attendance is not mandatory”

Ellie1015 · 22/09/2025 14:10

I would also officially invite the sister with work commitments and brother scared of flying so if is clear they are included, but also stating you understand they are not likely to make it. Not being able to attend and not being invited are very different.

MaurineWayBack · 22/09/2025 14:10

Heythere55 · 22/09/2025 13:53

I don't think people have read the part of the fact we live a trip away. Travel time alone is 30 hours therefore you need to come for a decent length of time.

We cannot invite her without the children as she will have no childcare (her DP is not the dad and their dads not in the picture).

Our friends that would be invited live here therefore not making a trip.

Edited

Yes you can!
It just means the answer will have to be a NO. But you can invite her wo the dcs.

Also if the dcs are school age and it has to be a week or two off work/school, would they really be able to go anyway ? Unless you’re planning your wedding right in the middle of the summer.

RandomMess · 22/09/2025 14:12

Invite sister and her kids only at a time of year when it would cost an arm and a leg and in school time.

You could sympathise that it may not be doable and come at a different time for a decent holiday with you instead?

ChessieFL · 22/09/2025 14:13

If the sister can’t attend if you don’t invite the kids, doesn’t that solve your problem? Invite the sister plus partner, they won’t attend due to no childcare, then you won’t get the drama at the wedding but you have fulfilled your obligation to invite them.

If the wedding’s during their school term time they might not be able to come anyway.

Jk987 · 22/09/2025 14:15

A bit sad that family relations are so strained…
Friends should 100% be invited, they are just as important and you see them all the time.

Is there time for your DH sister to make amends ahead of the wedding? She can bring the kids as it would be lovely to see them but not partner and his kids.

I’d invite the other siblings too and offer an olive branch. Would be a nice thing to do if they don’t come.

Jk987 · 22/09/2025 14:15

A bit sad that family relations are so strained…
Friends should 100% be invited, they are just as important and you see them all the time.

Is there time for your DH sister to make amends ahead of the wedding? She can bring the kids as it would be lovely to see them but not partner and his kids.

I’d invite the other siblings too and offer an olive branch. Would be a nice thing to do if they don’t come.

Jk987 · 22/09/2025 14:15

A bit sad that family relations are so strained…
Friends should 100% be invited, they are just as important and you see them all the time.

Is there time for your DH sister to make amends ahead of the wedding? She can bring the kids as it would be lovely to see them but not partner and his kids.

I’d invite the other siblings too and offer an olive branch. Would be a nice thing to do if they don’t come.

Jk987 · 22/09/2025 14:15

A bit sad that family relations are so strained…
Friends should 100% be invited, they are just as important and you see them all the time.

Is there time for your DH sister to make amends ahead of the wedding? She can bring the kids as it would be lovely to see them but not partner and his kids.

I’d invite the other siblings too and offer an olive branch. Would be a nice thing to do if they don’t come.

Unicorn34 · 22/09/2025 14:15

Will she have to fund return flight tickets? That would put a huge strain on,her too i am guessing, unless she's loaded! I go along with either a child-free wedding (but that would mean friends children too) or just invite her and her children (not the partner and his children).

Ponderingwindow · 22/09/2025 14:15

Heythere55 · 22/09/2025 13:55

I'm not sure how we wouldn't notice an atmosphere when it's only going to be around 20 people including us.

I think a party or big wedding might be easier to stick people at opposite ends haha!

Show quote history

My wedding was a dinner party with 28 people. I was oblivious to any drama that day. Either people were on their best behavior or I didn’t notice. Grandma alone should have caused at least one incident and 7 offenses, but from my perspective it was a perfect day.

Original poster

Heythere55 · 22/09/2025 14:16

Ah I actually had not considered school term as we were thinking of outside school term here , just checked and it doesn't match Uk.

OP posts:

Jk987 · 22/09/2025 14:16

A bit sad that family relations are so strained…
Friends should 100% be invited, they are just as important and you see them all the time.

Is there time for your DH sister to make amends ahead of the wedding? She can bring the kids as it would be lovely to see them but not partner and his kids.

I’d invite the other siblings too and offer an olive branch. Would be a nice thing to do if they don’t come.

Jk987 · 22/09/2025 14:16

A bit sad that family relations are so strained…
Friends should 100% be invited, they are just as important and you see them all the time.

Is there time for your DH sister to make amends ahead of the wedding? She can bring the kids as it would be lovely to see them but not partner and his kids.

I’d invite the other siblings too and offer an olive branch. Would be a nice thing to do if they don’t come.

Jk987 · 22/09/2025 14:17

*even if

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 22/09/2025 14:17

BIL and SIL did it with just parents and kids. Bride is an only child, BIL is one of 4. They had a party afterwards and invited friends and wider family. It was fine.

PoshestPaws · 22/09/2025 14:18

Will there be any other children there OP? I’d just have a childfree wedding and if your DP’s sister can’t get childcare then it’s your problem solved at least.

Could you find a childfree venue or at least say it is? I know it’s a bit sneaky but as long as know other kids are there then it’s not uncommon for a wedding, especially a smaller more intimate one.

If your DP really doesn’t want her there but doesn’t want to cause a big argument then this seems like a reasonable option, lots of people have childfree weddings and know it means some people can’t attend.

I got married abroad and had a childfree wedding, quite a few people couldn’t make it because of their kids and tried to pressure us to change it.
I wanted my wedding to be what me and my husband wanted and not end up having to plan it round everyone else. I had a perfect day and I did have a bit of sulking but it was worth it because kids would have completely changed the day.

Original poster

Heythere55 · 22/09/2025 14:19

AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti · 22/09/2025 14:17

BIL and SIL did it with just parents and kids. Bride is an only child, BIL is one of 4. They had a party afterwards and invited friends and wider family. It was fine.

But we can't do a party afterwards with wider family.... that would definitely soften it

OP posts:

Original poster

Heythere55 · 22/09/2025 14:20

PoshestPaws · 22/09/2025 14:18

Will there be any other children there OP? I’d just have a childfree wedding and if your DP’s sister can’t get childcare then it’s your problem solved at least.

Just our children and babes in arms that may come along in the meantime (few friends trying at the moment)

OP posts:

MaskAndMartini · 22/09/2025 14:20

Can she afford to attend, given you are so far away?

Zempy · 22/09/2025 14:22

Are you planning to invite any children? If not, just invite SIL but not the DC. Then she won’t be able to come.

Or make the wedding even smaller, just parents and their partners. Do a party for your friends another time.

I would not risk having SIL ruin my special day.

PermanentTemporary · 22/09/2025 14:22

I’m sorry I would enlarge the wedding, even if that means a much much plainer event, OR cut it to parents only. The guest list is key to it all really; saying we’ll have you but not your partner, not your kids etc will be much, much more problematic imo than just inviting them all. You wouldn’t have to be a drama queen to find being invited as a family member without your kids who are also family a bit of a thing.

Invite problem guests really early and cross your fingers they’ll drop out early tbh.

BadgernTheGarden · 22/09/2025 14:23

If it's 30 hours away and a very small do and you already have children together, then I would just tell all the relatives you are getting married but it's really not worth them travelling just for that and you hope they can come for a holiday another time. And just invite your local friends. As you say they would all have to stay a few days at least to make it worth the trip. Are you going on honeymoon or an after wedding family holiday? If so you wouldn't even be there to entertain them all afterwards.

CrispieCake · 22/09/2025 14:25

Invite siblings only. Say to the sister that you understand that she might not be able to make it but you cannot accommodate partners/children unfortunately.

Hint that you're planning a post-wedding bash next time you're in their neck of the woods. You don't actually have to do anything, it's enough to hint.

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