To make DS stick it out until half term before deciding school vs homeschool?

[2coolNumber1]

This is long and rambly but I really don’t know what to do anymore.

DS is 13, Y8 now, he has ASD, ADHD, dyslexia, a processing disorder and he also has an EHCP. We homeschooled him from Y5 to Y7 because mainstream was just a constant battle. Teachers either didn’t get him or didn’t care, he was always in trouble for stuff that’s literally part of his diagnosis (fidgeting, not finishing work, needing things repeated). He was miserable, we were miserable, so I pulled him out and he did much better at home.

Then at the end of Y7 he suddenly said he wanted to go back to school. He did a few trial days before the summer holidays and he actually loved it. Came home smiling, talking about lessons, seemed proud of himself, even said he wanted to try it properly in September. DH and I were so relieved, we thought maybe he was ready and things might finally click.

But it’s only been a couple of weeks since term started and honestly it feels like déjà vu of everything that went wrong before. For example:

• Teacher told him to “stop asking stupid questions” when he asked for instructions repeated. His EHCP literally says he needs things broken down and repeated.
• He’s been stopped from joining in PE twice because he “takes too long to get changed”. They just left him sitting on the side watching everyone else.
• Given a detention for “backchat” when he told a teacher he hadn’t understood the homework.
• The laptop promised in his EHCP has “been delayed until January” so he’s already falling behind with written work.
• Kids are calling him names (slow, spz, rtard), one shoved his bag in the bin, he told staff and was told to just ignore it.

Now DS is saying he wants to come back out and be homeschooled again. He’s upset most mornings, crying, saying “why do I have to go somewhere where people laugh at me.” And I don’t blame him. My gut says pull him out now, but DH keeps saying he needs to learn resilience and that we should at least make him stick it out til half term before making a decision. His argument is that otherwise every time DS hits a bump he’ll just walk away and never manage in the “real world.”

But the thing is, he does have an EHCP. The school is supposed to be following it and they just… aren’t. How long do we give them to get their act together while DS is miserable? I feel torn because I don’t want him to think he can quit everything the second it gets difficult, but equally I feel cruel forcing him into a situation where he’s unsupported and unhappy.

So, AIBU to say he has to stick it out until half term, or should I just pull him now and stop putting him through this?

Have you had a meeting with SENCO regarding his ECHP not being followed?

Have you spoken to the school SENCO and head of pastoral? It sounds like they aren’t giving him the support that he needs, so it’s no wonder poor DS is struggling. Although I have sympathy with your husband’s position, I think it’s only relevant really if your son was receiving adequate support and still saying he wanted to quit.

What have the school said when you approached them about these issues? Are they helpful and wanting to resolve them and do you believe they actually will improve?

Personally I would pull him out, you already know home ed works.

I would talk to the school. Go in and have a face to face chat with them. Raise the points as you have done here one by one and get their feedback. Send him in with laptop if that's causing a problem, presumably he had one for home schooling?

I'd also look at alternative schools.

I think I would try and carry on until half term and then make a decision.

I’d be making a nuisance of myself every time they ignore what’s in his EHCP.

He won’t learn resilience from being bullied.

EHCP is more problematic. Some schools are much better than others at putting support in place.

does the EHCP say a 1:1 ta?

if he’s in mainstream without a ta then there’s certain things that the teachers can do without too much trouble and some stuff which is much harder.

if he is taking much much longer than the others to get changed then the teacher can’t leave him in the changing rooms alone and there will be a point where he has to move with the class.

if you want him to stay in school it’s probably a good idea to try to work on social stories and teach him some standard phrases to use to teachers if he does not understand as children with ASD can come across as rude.

Do you have e-mail addresses for staff?

If you do I'd be sending an email to head of year, form tutor, each teacher involved and SENCO and asking for each case state what his EHCP says and how it appliues and asking why his EHCP wasn't followed.

Also ask for a meeting with SENCO.

After that if it's still an ongoing issue frankly yes I would pull him out - but I would try and resolve it with the school first.

Don’t give up yet!

At the beginning of a new year it can be really hard - teachers trying to get to know everyone whilst also trying to set high standards. I wish it was easier.

Speak to his tutor, head of year, SENCO. Explain where he is being failed and ask for all his teachers to be emailed, reminding them of the adjustments he needs. This info may have got overlooked or not yet processed. I know that shouldn’t happen but it’s just the reality.

He also needs a safe space at breaks etc - where is this (library, learning support)? Where can he go to feel noticed and supported?

I’d remind the HOY that name calling is never acceptable and bullying cannot be tolerated. What are they going to do about that?

If these issues still continue, look at other schools. He has made a brave decision to return and it will really help him if he can succeed. I think you’re at the start of something and need to negotiate the bumps along the way.

Schools can be a bit crap sometimes because of the immense pressure they’re under, but most staff really do want to do the right thing.

We haven’t had a proper meeting with SENCO yet since he started, only a quick chat on one of the trial days before summer. I did email last week after the detention and the PE stuff but haven’t had a reply yet. I think you’re right that I need to push harder and be more of a nuisance about the EHCP being followed because at the moment it just feels like lip service.

We do have a laptop from when he was at home so I could send that in, I hadn’t thought of that. I suppose I assumed the school one would be set up with all the right programs but better than nothing.

Bullying is the bit that really gets to me. He’s already so self conscious and for him to be called names on top of everything else just breaks my heart. I agree he’s not going to learn resilience from being laughed at every day.

DH keeps saying give it until half term but I think if things don’t improve quickly I won’t be able to watch him go in miserable every morning. I’ll try to get a meeting with SENCO and HOY this week and see what they actually say about putting the support in place. If nothing changes then I think that answers my question.

I agree with your DH that he needs to stick it out until half term at least, any big change takes a while to get used to and it is important for him to develop resilience.

Clearly in the meantime talk to the school to ensure his EHCP is being implemented properly and see if you can borrow a laptop until his arrives.

Some of the things you describe from his peers is pretty standard Y8 behaviour, obviously needs raising with the school but name calling is unfortunately common and support to help him stand up for himself in an appropriate way is going to have a greater long term benefit than pulling him out of school. From having had 2DS go through it, the best support for them at that age is helping them build a strong friendship group. Are there any particular children he is getting on with? Get your son to invite them to an activity they all enjoy, build the friendships out of school, that’ll give him a stronger group & foundation in school.

My take is that you learn resiliance by pushing through things that are uncomfortable and/or difficult because you are going to get there in the end. Maybe not a full win, but some part of a sucess. If you are going to pull him out and homeschool him again, then making him stay in school until half term is just going to beat him down and not teach resilience.

Kids that have learning differences are especially vulnerable to anxiety and depression, so I would be concerned about that. Do you think if he came to some of the SENCO meetings with you, and could watch you advocating for him (maybe learn a little how he might advocate for himself in the future) that might help him feel emotionally supported and also be a useful learning experience?

I was gonna say to give it til half term.

But after reading your op I don't think you're being unreasonable.

He's being bullied daily. And school don't seem to know how to handle him.

You can keep on it at school. But ultimately if taking him out is best for his emotional health then that's what you might have to do.

The only thing I would say is. The longer he stays away from mainstream the harder for him to adapt.

So he's probably finding it harder to adapt because he hasn't been in mainstream for so long. Even without his health conditions because he hasn't been in this kind of environment, he probably acts in ways which seem odd to his peers- which make it more likely for him to be picked on, only because he hasn't been in this environment.

It will make it harder for him to fit in. And may mean longer term issues down the line.

You need to discuss this with the SENCo and his HoY.
If they are not interested in engaging, and supporting your DS, then you would be best looking for a different school that will meet his needs - it sounds to me like he would actually get a lot out of the school environment if he would only be supported properly. Can you ask for an EHCP review?
I do appreciate that is easier said than done… but you need to make yourself a squeaky wheel to get attention paid!

OP you can't just sit back and wait for things to improve - you have to be proactive and advocate for your DS. All the things that are going wrong are completely unacceptable and I would go ballistic at the school, if it was me. Not only is his EHCP not being followed so he's missing out on learning, he's being excluded from PE, bullied by his classmates, and his teacher is telling him to stop asking stupid questions! Has his teacher even seen his EHCP and does s/he understand what it contains?

I would be demanding an urgent meeting with the SENCo and his form teacher and I would want to know why his EHCP is not being followed, why he's being belittled and excluded from lessons when they aren't providing the support he needs, and why nothing is being done about him being bullied. And if you're fobbed off and they don't act, I would contact the head teacher and cc the chairman of the governors - that usually gets some action!

I cannot tell you how much I hate hearing that SEN children need to build resilience or they won’t cope in the “real world”, usually said by people who have no idea of the challenges ND children face in school.

Resilience isn’t built by breaking a child, it’s built in safety. It’s built in letting a child recover and learn what works for them and what doesn’t, by learning coping mechanisms and learning their own strengths and limitations when their nervous system feels safe again. Those are the skills that will help them in the “real world”.

Take him out OP.

Speak to the school and LA. If the SENCO is ignoring you, go higher. They are setting DS up to fail. The provision needs providing, the teachers need to be supporting DS, and the bullying needs dealing with. Even if you decide to remove DS, the school needs to know and deal with the incidents you have listed.

Is the wording in F about the laptop watertight or is it vague and woolly?

If you decide MS isn’t going to work, if you don’t want to EHE, there are other options.

DS used his own laptop at secondary school so definitely send that in with him if it's going to help him. I would keep in mind that there's a good chance that most of his teachers have no idea about his disabilities or his EHCP. Well that is based on my experience with DS whose teachers often seemed surprised to learn he was dyspraxic.

IME SENCOs are often over worked and literally can't keep up. It doesn't sound like they've got time for you so I'd recommend going to the head of year. The Head of Year will, you'll find, probably be in a much better position to get info out to all your ds's teachers on his EHCP. My advice would be to pick one, max 2 things that will make the most difference and really push for them to be put in place. If accommodations for slow processing are what is needed most then that is what I would get onto first. Think about what is going to help him - a print out of instructions, the introductory powerpoint presentation on his laptop etc

If you can see someone face to face then that often has far greater impact than speaking to them on the phone IMO. Have a list of specific things that you know would help him (if possible) and ask for them to be put in place in every class. Be clear with DS that you are fighting his corner. Bother the school, i work in one and those who shout loudest generally get the most noticed. Phone every day about the bullying as a completely separate issue.

I would also go through each thing with DS and see if there are changes he can make to make things go more smoothly. For example he was given detention for back chat when he said he didn't understand the homework. Well that doesn't really add up does it? If he said miss I don't understand then that's not back chat. If he said 'this is stupid I don't get it at all and won't be doing it' then I can see how he might get in trouble for backchat - so I think it's important to make sure you're getting the full story and support him in how he should be phrasing things so he is going to get the help and support he needs rather than piss people off.

I would say that resilience is absolutely not something he is going to learn from this experience if it is going to be allowed to just carry on as it is. You don't learn resilience from being completely miserable and being forced to carry on and on despite that. People really, really misunderstand what builds resilience IMO and it is quite disturbing.

What he needs is a lot of time, support and help in dealing with each thing that comes up, either with the help of the school or by looking at his behaviour and what he can do to make things easier/better. But he needs to feel like everyone has his back and that he is being listened to, understood and supported. To build resilience you first have to build self esteem, social skills and a support network. You can't drop someone into a shitty situation and believe it's going to boost their resilience. It just won't.

I'd also be wondering if he's dyspraxic tbh honest OP, just on the basis that he's so slow getting changed for sport. Might not be, but just a thought.

This. There's nothing to be gained by pushing him to keep going. Even if you got the other issues sorted out, they don't sound very proactive about bullying either and your little boy does not need to suffer bullying.

If you want him to stay/want to work on issues:

send in a laptop, I used to work in a school with a unit and the official process takes bloody ages at the best of times.

complain to Hoy about the bullying.

email Senco and ask her to send round an email to all your sons teachers reminding him about the EHCP.

other things you could ask for and that the school I taught at offered:

Sen space to go at lunch and break so not bullied
we had kids you were not allowed to set detentions for without speaking to the Senco first

complain to Senco every single time he gets a detention for something in his EHCP.

Is this the same school he was at the first time round?

If so I think it's just a shit school and you are better off finding a new school and pulling him out until he can start there. Ask for a reduced timetable to ease him in and make sure they follow the EHCP.

Don't let this school destroy his mental health and ruin any chances of him being able to get a traditional education.

I suspect it's easier for your husband to say he needs to learn resilience if he's not the one who will have to make all the calls, emails, visits, conversations, appointments etc it might take to ensure the conditions and support are in place to provide an environment where resilience can be built!

This is so awful that your DS was excited to go back and the school have let him down. It's not good enough OP.
I would say you will have to push and yes, fight for him. He wants to be at school but the school is failing in what they are legally required to provide for him. The bullying also sounds horrible and should also be addressed though your DS will come across this type of person in life (as we all do) so he will need to build some resilience in order to deal with this - though of course this is more difficult with his additional needs.
I would guess that the teachers are aware of his diagnosis but have not read his EHCP and won't all be fully aware of what they are expected to do to support him. Not good enough again.
I hope you get some answers from the SENDCO - let us know how it goes! Sending good luck and hugs for you and your DS.

Rather than ELE can you not use their lack of following his EHCP to request EOTAS?

Have you tried to arrange a meeting with that particular teacher that told him about the stupid questions? Even pop into the classroom to speak to them yourself at the end of the day?

You need to REALLY have a strong discussion with the relevant people at school. They need to be aware things are so bad, he’s so unsupported that his legal requirement to an education is a jeopardy. I know you can homeschool but it’s not the go to just because they aren’t doing anything - they need to be held accountable. If they can’t meet needs, they need to say so. And they need to be discussing with the LEA etc. There are other alternatives like alternative provision, EOTAS and specialist placements - he’s entitled to funding to support his education and whipping him out every time is taking that away from him - even though you probably are great at it and I know battling the system is too much sometimes.