To make DS stick it out until half term before deciding school vs homeschool?

[2coolNumber1]

This is long and rambly but I really don’t know what to do anymore.

DS is 13, Y8 now, he has ASD, ADHD, dyslexia, a processing disorder and he also has an EHCP. We homeschooled him from Y5 to Y7 because mainstream was just a constant battle. Teachers either didn’t get him or didn’t care, he was always in trouble for stuff that’s literally part of his diagnosis (fidgeting, not finishing work, needing things repeated). He was miserable, we were miserable, so I pulled him out and he did much better at home.

Then at the end of Y7 he suddenly said he wanted to go back to school. He did a few trial days before the summer holidays and he actually loved it. Came home smiling, talking about lessons, seemed proud of himself, even said he wanted to try it properly in September. DH and I were so relieved, we thought maybe he was ready and things might finally click.

But it’s only been a couple of weeks since term started and honestly it feels like déjà vu of everything that went wrong before. For example:

• Teacher told him to “stop asking stupid questions” when he asked for instructions repeated. His EHCP literally says he needs things broken down and repeated.
• He’s been stopped from joining in PE twice because he “takes too long to get changed”. They just left him sitting on the side watching everyone else.
• Given a detention for “backchat” when he told a teacher he hadn’t understood the homework.
• The laptop promised in his EHCP has “been delayed until January” so he’s already falling behind with written work.
• Kids are calling him names (slow, spz, rtard), one shoved his bag in the bin, he told staff and was told to just ignore it.

Now DS is saying he wants to come back out and be homeschooled again. He’s upset most mornings, crying, saying “why do I have to go somewhere where people laugh at me.” And I don’t blame him. My gut says pull him out now, but DH keeps saying he needs to learn resilience and that we should at least make him stick it out til half term before making a decision. His argument is that otherwise every time DS hits a bump he’ll just walk away and never manage in the “real world.”

But the thing is, he does have an EHCP. The school is supposed to be following it and they just… aren’t. How long do we give them to get their act together while DS is miserable? I feel torn because I don’t want him to think he can quit everything the second it gets difficult, but equally I feel cruel forcing him into a situation where he’s unsupported and unhappy.

So, AIBU to say he has to stick it out until half term, or should I just pull him now and stop putting him through this?

Sounds like the wrong school for him.
DS (now 18) has exactly the same list of diagnosis as your son aside from the ADHD. We found him a secondary school with a dedicated "base" unit in place for children with additional needs. He was fully supported by a TA in all his lessons (unless he requested otherwise) and had a retreat if things got too much. He had his lunches there, they had additional lessons on socialising and home skills. It really was fantastic.
It sounds like your school isn't providing the right level of support for your son. Are they following the EHCP guidelines at all? I can't believe you haven't met with the SENCO yet for a child who clearly needs significant support.

EOTAS/EOTIS via the EHCP is only legally possible if it is inappropriate for provision to be made in a school. Although over time the results of SEP detailed, specified and quantified in F not being provided may result in it being inappropriate (in the legal sense), on its own provision not being provided doesn’t necessarily mean it is inappropriate. If it was ‘just’ a matter of provision not being provided, the remedy is enforcing the EHCP. I’m not saying OP shouldn’t consider pursuing that if school isn’t appropriate, just don’t base the case on the SEP not being provided.

@2coolNumber1 - I could have written part of your post. I’m in a similar position, although not identical. I hope you don’t mind me jumping in here but your post caught my eye and I’d be really keen for you to share some details with me on how Home education worked for you in the past with your DS.
My DS is also 13, and in year 9. A lot of what you have described about your son is similar to my son at school, although we don’t have an EHCP or any diagnosis. DH and I do suspect that there is something undiagnosed at the moment and we are on the waiting list for a referral, which we have been on for a long time. Through primary school my DS managed quite well, a bit of disruptive behaviour at times but all very low-level. Fast forward to year 7 when it came to starting high school, it was a nightmare. After two weeks which seemed to be going well, he suddenly started to ‘feel sick’ every morning. Some mornings would be sick a few times before going in to school or wouldn’t make it in at all. Really bad anxiety and school refusal. Shockingly low attendance in year 7, we persevered in year 8 and it got better, made a few friends but then after a while reverted back to refusing to go in most days and it was a case of in school for a few days and then a couple of days off. Attendance started to dip again. Lots of meetings at school, nagging him every morning to try and go to school and constant stress with it. We looked into home schooling before the summer holidays but decided to give year 9 a go and take it from there. It’s a few weeks in and DS has managed 4 days. He is refusing each day saying he’s too anxious, doesn’t have many friends and that everyone’s looking at him etc. Just too anxious most days to go in. He wants to be home schooled but I’m worried it will be really hard work and that it might isolate him and not be the right decision. I feel like I have hijacked your post, I just wondered if you could tell me if it went well for your son while you were doing the home schooling. Did you follow the curriculum and how did you source the work etc.

Any possibly of trying a different school? This one sounds totally rubbish, definately the SENDCO is simply not doing their job, and the other staff don't sound much better to be honest, but I don't think that means that your lad couldn't be included and cope well in a less rubbish school.

Yes you need to speak to the school

Go in with some suggestions - could he wear pe kit to school if he cant changed in the required time?

Does he have adult support assistance (a TA) to help break down instructions, record homework etc

Sadly secondary school teachers wont have time to be repeating things. Mine only made it through as they had teaching assistants

The ehcp is a legal document that should be followed from day 1. Write to the school, copying in his caseworker at the education authority, outlining every point in the ehcp that isn’t being followed or met. The school will magically find a fucking laptop etc. He is legally entitled to the full curriculum, if ge can’t get changed quickly enough for pe, then that shows a need that’s not being met. The school will have to put in some adjustments. TBH, every time a teacher didn’t accommodate his ehcp or reprimanded him due to an issue related to his disability I’d be emailing the teacher, copying in the senco.

its possible (likely) that this isn’t the right school for him but if you want a more specialist provision you’ll need evidence that this school can’t meet need.