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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother continually asking about finances

43 replies

Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 10:56

AIBU to refuse to give my mother any information about my finances. I am a 42 year old professional.

she walked into my new house and first question she asked was how much did this cost then? She then asked how much I got for selling another property. She then continually asked how much my business cost to partner in with. She is now asking if we will send our children to private school and how much this will cost. She asks when my husband is planning to retire as he ‘must have plenty of money now’. She asks how much of our property I own (we are married). She looks up the cost of our holidays and drops it into conversation how much it costs when I know I would never have told her. When I get awkward and do not answer these questions, she tries other family members to get the information. None of which know the answer as no one else has ever asked me or seemed to care.

without a drip feed i barely speak to my mother following years of abuse and neglect as a child, none of my siblings take much to do with her either so these comments are within the short spells of spending anytime / short phone calls with her. I would want no contact in an ideal world but i tried that and she turns up to my house demanding i talk to her which is very upsetting and not worth my mental health. I strongly suspect she has a personality disorder. I worked 3 jobs at times to fund my way through university whilst using all the loans / bursaries i could. I made my way to university aged 18 on a train with a bin liner to hold my things as we could not afford a suitcase. She was never that interested in me until very recently when in her mind ‘i made it’.

yanbu to think this is a strange questioning dynamic or yabu your mother should know these things about you.

OP posts:
RudyRudester · 22/09/2025 10:59

Don't let her in
Don't engage with her
She's massively over stepping so start pushing back

Toesy · 22/09/2025 11:02

Talk to the police about her harassment of you.
Send a solicitor letter to never contact you or come near you again.
Involve the police if she does.
Time to shut her permanently down.

FuzzyWolf · 22/09/2025 11:04

I would say she either is worried you are getting into debt, and feels you should have savings, so wants reassurance that you do and that if you separate you have money in your own right, or she wants you to give her money. Based on the end of your post, it’s probably the latter. I’d ignore her.

Comtesse · 22/09/2025 11:05

She’s a massive CF and very lucky you still even speak to her. You obviously owe her none of this info.

DavidKeanu · 22/09/2025 11:08

Classic narcissist behaviour. You are now worth something to her because you have money and success. Absolutely despicable. I am so sorry. Just be very blunt, along the lines of "You keep asking about money, and it's not something I am ever going to talk about with you, so let's change the subject" and keep repeating it. If she gets huffy and stops contacting you, it's a win.

DashboardConfession · 22/09/2025 11:10

She's eventually going to ask you for money. Do not engage! Let her ask family members - no doubt they think she's being weird about your money too.

Original poster
Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 11:11

DavidKeanu · 22/09/2025 11:08

Classic narcissist behaviour. You are now worth something to her because you have money and success. Absolutely despicable. I am so sorry. Just be very blunt, along the lines of "You keep asking about money, and it's not something I am ever going to talk about with you, so let's change the subject" and keep repeating it. If she gets huffy and stops contacting you, it's a win.

This is the direction i have taken with her so thank you for the validation. She says its ‘my fault’ she continual asks me and acts pretencious because i am so evasive with her.

OP posts:
Muffsies · 22/09/2025 11:14

Is she the sort of person who judges someone's value based on wealth/success? Is she impressed by people with money or jealous?

You're right to be cautious, especially if you suspect she has a personality disorder. People with PDs can cause absolute havoc, and there is no reasoning with them. Out of interest, what PD do you think she has?

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 22/09/2025 11:17

Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 10:56

AIBU to refuse to give my mother any information about my finances. I am a 42 year old professional.

she walked into my new house and first question she asked was how much did this cost then? She then asked how much I got for selling another property. She then continually asked how much my business cost to partner in with. She is now asking if we will send our children to private school and how much this will cost. She asks when my husband is planning to retire as he ‘must have plenty of money now’. She asks how much of our property I own (we are married). She looks up the cost of our holidays and drops it into conversation how much it costs when I know I would never have told her. When I get awkward and do not answer these questions, she tries other family members to get the information. None of which know the answer as no one else has ever asked me or seemed to care.

without a drip feed i barely speak to my mother following years of abuse and neglect as a child, none of my siblings take much to do with her either so these comments are within the short spells of spending anytime / short phone calls with her. I would want no contact in an ideal world but i tried that and she turns up to my house demanding i talk to her which is very upsetting and not worth my mental health. I strongly suspect she has a personality disorder. I worked 3 jobs at times to fund my way through university whilst using all the loans / bursaries i could. I made my way to university aged 18 on a train with a bin liner to hold my things as we could not afford a suitcase. She was never that interested in me until very recently when in her mind ‘i made it’.

yanbu to think this is a strange questioning dynamic or yabu your mother should know these things about you.

You dont seem to have asked her why she wants to know.

If you get an answer, you can decide if you think it's honest, then it might tell you whether there is a reason that makes it legitimate.

If not you can tell her to stop.
Because...
You're my daughter- I'm your daughter regardless, stop asking
I'm worried about you - I'm alright, stop asking
Etc

She might continue being a nosy CF but then you can just tell her to FO with her questions.

Original poster
Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 11:18

Muffsies · 22/09/2025 11:14

Is she the sort of person who judges someone's value based on wealth/success? Is she impressed by people with money or jealous?

You're right to be cautious, especially if you suspect she has a personality disorder. People with PDs can cause absolute havoc, and there is no reasoning with them. Out of interest, what PD do you think she has?

Yes she is very materialistic
i am not sure as i am no psychiatrist but i know bipolar was suggested by a previous psych, this was changed to a personality issue diagnosis (we were told this by her when were 7/8)

OP posts:
WatchingTheDetective · 22/09/2025 11:20

Honestly I don't know why you have anything to do with her. She sounds awful. Don't give her any information at all and don't give her a penny either. I really feel for you.

Endofyear · 22/09/2025 11:31

Tell her it's rude to ask about someone's finances and it's not her business. Repeat as many times as necessary. It sounds like you're pretty low contact with her so it won't be that often hopefully!

Muffsies · 22/09/2025 11:32

Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 11:18

Yes she is very materialistic
i am not sure as i am no psychiatrist but i know bipolar was suggested by a previous psych, this was changed to a personality issue diagnosis (we were told this by her when were 7/8)

Show quote history

I'm sorry to hear that. A parent with a PD is a very difficult position to be in, she's not going to change and her behaviours can be very destructive and upsetting. It sounds like you have become a focus for some sort of intention of hers and you will have to keep her at arms length and not become entangled. You'll have to find a way to do this that causes as little drama an fall-out on you as possible.

Swiftie1878 · 22/09/2025 11:49

Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 11:11

This is the direction i have taken with her so thank you for the validation. She says its ‘my fault’ she continual asks me and acts pretencious because i am so evasive with her.

Show quote history

You don’t even need to be that wordy.
Just, ‘Mum, that’s none of your business and you know it!’ Then move the convo on.

CountryVic · 22/09/2025 12:07

That’s none of your concern.

Thats my go to when people are pushy / being nosey Parker’s!

Mumofsoontobe3 · 22/09/2025 12:11

Don't answer any questions and continue to reiterate you worked hard for what you've got and you will not be sharing your financial information with her.

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 22/09/2025 12:19

Sometimes the solution is to "fall out" with whoever is pecking your head.
Tell her to mind her own business, your finances are private. She'll probs take the hump, job done.

Mary46 · 22/09/2025 12:21

Just say oh thats private! My mam would be nosey about hols and how they are funded which I find silly as Im 50. Is it a control thing

Plantlady10 · 22/09/2025 12:27

I'd say in a normal relationship, talking about these things would be fine - I am open with my parents about finances (earnings/house cost/general financial position) and ask their advice on things. I dont think money should be a taboo topic, and I'll happily talk to my kids about incomes/house prices ect too. But I think the issue here is your Mum's behaviour in general and how she is quizzing you and that makes it not okay.

ormiwtbte · 22/09/2025 12:27

"That's none of your business" and then change the subject immediately. Repeat every single time.

Or something I've done when someone has behaved like that towards me is initially say politely that it's none of their concern and I don't wish to talk about it. When that didn't help I started pausing briefly at the end of their intrusive question and then saying, "So, anyway," and then another pause and then straight on to another topic of combination. That worked better.

Lucytheloose · 22/09/2025 12:37

Turn it round. Ask her how much she is worth these days and how much she is leaving you in her will. With a bit of luck, she will be so offended that she will stop contacting you.

BoredZelda · 22/09/2025 12:41

By accepting her into your home, she is able to continue the abuse. I agree with PP who says to call the police for harassment.

Cynic17 · 22/09/2025 12:53

She has no right to know any of this stuff.
She's just rude.
Keep her very much at arm's length, and tell her nothing.

TattooStan · 22/09/2025 13:02

I have a good relationship with my mum, but this feels very familiar.

Having been brought up that discussing money was rude (we never had much anyway, mum was a single mum on a modest wage), mum has gone on to be utterly money obsessed.

She knows what everyone earns, how much everyone spends on their car, house, holiday etc.

I last revealed my salary to her 12 years ago. I then got a significant pay rise and felt I should keep my earnings to myself from that point on.

She's DESPERATE to understand what I earn. Sometimes she'll treat me like a low earner (desperately trying to push a £5 note into my hand, which I push straight back) and other times a high earner (casually asking if she can borrow £10k, when my husband had only just lost his job). Every time I share that I have a new job or promotion, she animatedly asks me "MORE MONEY??!" I always answer "Erm, sure".

She asks me the price of EVERYTHING. Even things she would never have an interest in buying. I evade giving a straight answer, so reply with "It wasnt too much" / "It was quite a bit" / "It was pretty reasonable" / "It doesn't really matter what it cost" etc.

She also tells me about other people's finances, I think in the desperate hope of getting a rise out of me. So she'll share a cousin's salary, but all she ever gets from me is "fair enough". I literally have zero interest in money and don't give a shit what others earn or spend, and I think it drives her crazy.

For anyone wondering why I'm so evasive, she would have STRONG opinions on my lifestyle and how I should be spending my money if she knew what I earned!

TorroFerney · 22/09/2025 13:14

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 22/09/2025 11:17

You dont seem to have asked her why she wants to know.

If you get an answer, you can decide if you think it's honest, then it might tell you whether there is a reason that makes it legitimate.

If not you can tell her to stop.
Because...
You're my daughter- I'm your daughter regardless, stop asking
I'm worried about you - I'm alright, stop asking
Etc

She might continue being a nosy CF but then you can just tell her to FO with her questions.

Show quote history

But she can’t make her stop, op it’s a boundary, ask about money and you won’t enter the house again. Which may be the answer generally from what you’ve written about her.