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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mother continually asking about finances

43 replies

Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 10:56

AIBU to refuse to give my mother any information about my finances. I am a 42 year old professional.

she walked into my new house and first question she asked was how much did this cost then? She then asked how much I got for selling another property. She then continually asked how much my business cost to partner in with. She is now asking if we will send our children to private school and how much this will cost. She asks when my husband is planning to retire as he ‘must have plenty of money now’. She asks how much of our property I own (we are married). She looks up the cost of our holidays and drops it into conversation how much it costs when I know I would never have told her. When I get awkward and do not answer these questions, she tries other family members to get the information. None of which know the answer as no one else has ever asked me or seemed to care.

without a drip feed i barely speak to my mother following years of abuse and neglect as a child, none of my siblings take much to do with her either so these comments are within the short spells of spending anytime / short phone calls with her. I would want no contact in an ideal world but i tried that and she turns up to my house demanding i talk to her which is very upsetting and not worth my mental health. I strongly suspect she has a personality disorder. I worked 3 jobs at times to fund my way through university whilst using all the loans / bursaries i could. I made my way to university aged 18 on a train with a bin liner to hold my things as we could not afford a suitcase. She was never that interested in me until very recently when in her mind ‘i made it’.

yanbu to think this is a strange questioning dynamic or yabu your mother should know these things about you.

OP posts:
MellowPinkDeer · 22/09/2025 13:15

You don’t have to tell her anything but I don’t get why people are so secretive about house prices, they become available to the public anyway, don’t understand the big deal!

Muffsies · 22/09/2025 13:24

MellowPinkDeer · 22/09/2025 13:15

You don’t have to tell her anything but I don’t get why people are so secretive about house prices, they become available to the public anyway, don’t understand the big deal!

It's a leading question, if you answer that, they'll think they have right to make all sorts of assumptions and it will lead to further questions. People (quite rightly) don't want to be drawn into it.

Yeah people can find out anyway, but if you tell them they'll think they have a right to know more. Some people are like that and its best not to let yourself be drawn into their orbit.

Meadowfinch · 22/09/2025 13:26

In her mind you've 'made it' which I imagine means you and your dh are more affluent than she is.

Her questions are her desire to know so she can boast about it to her friends, and also her attempt to remind you she is queen bee and is entitled to know everything about you.

Every time she asks anything like that I'd give her a stock answer. "I'm not going to answer that because it is distasteful to talk about money."

And repeat over and over and over until she realises she won't get anything out of you. Also stop telling her the exact details of your holidays

Member984815 · 22/09/2025 13:28

DavidKeanu · 22/09/2025 11:08

Classic narcissist behaviour. You are now worth something to her because you have money and success. Absolutely despicable. I am so sorry. Just be very blunt, along the lines of "You keep asking about money, and it's not something I am ever going to talk about with you, so let's change the subject" and keep repeating it. If she gets huffy and stops contacting you, it's a win.

I think you hit the nail on the head

Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 15:09

TattooStan · 22/09/2025 13:02

I have a good relationship with my mum, but this feels very familiar.

Having been brought up that discussing money was rude (we never had much anyway, mum was a single mum on a modest wage), mum has gone on to be utterly money obsessed.

She knows what everyone earns, how much everyone spends on their car, house, holiday etc.

I last revealed my salary to her 12 years ago. I then got a significant pay rise and felt I should keep my earnings to myself from that point on.

She's DESPERATE to understand what I earn. Sometimes she'll treat me like a low earner (desperately trying to push a £5 note into my hand, which I push straight back) and other times a high earner (casually asking if she can borrow £10k, when my husband had only just lost his job). Every time I share that I have a new job or promotion, she animatedly asks me "MORE MONEY??!" I always answer "Erm, sure".

She asks me the price of EVERYTHING. Even things she would never have an interest in buying. I evade giving a straight answer, so reply with "It wasnt too much" / "It was quite a bit" / "It was pretty reasonable" / "It doesn't really matter what it cost" etc.

She also tells me about other people's finances, I think in the desperate hope of getting a rise out of me. So she'll share a cousin's salary, but all she ever gets from me is "fair enough". I literally have zero interest in money and don't give a shit what others earn or spend, and I think it drives her crazy.

For anyone wondering why I'm so evasive, she would have STRONG opinions on my lifestyle and how I should be spending my money if she knew what I earned!

My mum sounds very similar - single mother too and brought up in a council house with no money. She told me yesterday theres no way she can stop working anytime soon as she still has a huge mortgage and no pension (she bought a house in her late 50’s- i have no idea how she got a mortgage) - i dont know why she told me that but it has made me very suspicious

OP posts:
Friendlygingercat · 22/09/2025 15:10

My mother also was what we used to call a "nosyhole" so much that at age 16 I opened an accommodation address in a nearby shop for my mail. She never knew how much I earned because I was paid by bank transfer. I had all my mail sent to the alternative address until I left home. I dont discuss my financial affairs ever with relatives.

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 22/09/2025 15:12

I would not let her in unless I wanted her to come in. Just say; I don't want to talk about my finances (polite) or 'none of your business' less polite.

Timeforaglassofwine · 22/09/2025 15:17

Keep finances private. My parents wouldn't dream of asking. An aunt confided to an older relative how much my cousin earns, and now even my grandmother's village cat knows. He is generous, but it devalues everything he does, because every time the guy is mentioned in passing you get a staged whispered "well he IS a multi millionaire, you know".

OnTheRoof · 22/09/2025 15:26

As she's evidently internet savvy and she could find the answers to at least some of these questions online, do you think it's about the act of asking more than the knowledge?

Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 15:51

OnTheRoof · 22/09/2025 15:26

As she's evidently internet savvy and she could find the answers to at least some of these questions online, do you think it's about the act of asking more than the knowledge?

God knows. I have tried the ‘none of your business’ to her before and she called me a horrible cow and asked me to leave her house, unfortunately she got back in touch again and continues to want a relationship. I genuinely wish she would leave me alone, I would be so relieved

OP posts:
Muffsies · 22/09/2025 16:12

Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 15:51

God knows. I have tried the ‘none of your business’ to her before and she called me a horrible cow and asked me to leave her house, unfortunately she got back in touch again and continues to want a relationship. I genuinely wish she would leave me alone, I would be so relieved

She obviously thinks she has a right to know. She probably also thinks she has a right to some of your money to, I'm sure. But no amount of telling her different will change that.

I wonder if her mortgage was one of those interest-only ones, they were common with later-life borrowers. When the mortgage term comes to an end you have to pay off the entire capital, usually from your pension lump sum. Its often the only way older people can get a mortgage, but it comes at the cost of their pension savings! If they can't pay they have to sell to pay the lender.

Anyway, whatever. It's not your problem, but I would be wary!

thepariscrimefiles · 22/09/2025 16:13

Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 15:51

God knows. I have tried the ‘none of your business’ to her before and she called me a horrible cow and asked me to leave her house, unfortunately she got back in touch again and continues to want a relationship. I genuinely wish she would leave me alone, I would be so relieved

Has she acknowledged your abusive childhood or does she think that it's all water under the bridge now?

You have said that:

'I would want no contact in an ideal world but i tried that and she turns up to my house demanding i talk to her which is very upsetting and not worth my mental health.'

Could you just massively reduce the time you spend with her without totally ending your relationship? Could you just 'grey rock' her and immediately shut down any inappropriate questions about your finances? Her behaviour is unkind, rude and immature. Do you have other siblings? If so, does she treat them in the same way?

It sounds like going totally 'no contact' would be much better for you. Could you get a non-molestation order to allow you to cut all ties with her and to report her to the police if she just keeps turning up?

Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 17:12

Muffsies · 22/09/2025 16:12

She obviously thinks she has a right to know. She probably also thinks she has a right to some of your money to, I'm sure. But no amount of telling her different will change that.

I wonder if her mortgage was one of those interest-only ones, they were common with later-life borrowers. When the mortgage term comes to an end you have to pay off the entire capital, usually from your pension lump sum. Its often the only way older people can get a mortgage, but it comes at the cost of their pension savings! If they can't pay they have to sell to pay the lender.

Anyway, whatever. It's not your problem, but I would be wary!

you are spot on ! She said she wanted her partner to use his pension to pay it off but he has refused…….

guess her daughter she didnt bother with for many years is the next call 🤣

OP posts:
Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 17:13

thepariscrimefiles · 22/09/2025 16:13

Has she acknowledged your abusive childhood or does she think that it's all water under the bridge now?

You have said that:

'I would want no contact in an ideal world but i tried that and she turns up to my house demanding i talk to her which is very upsetting and not worth my mental health.'

Could you just massively reduce the time you spend with her without totally ending your relationship? Could you just 'grey rock' her and immediately shut down any inappropriate questions about your finances? Her behaviour is unkind, rude and immature. Do you have other siblings? If so, does she treat them in the same way?

It sounds like going totally 'no contact' would be much better for you. Could you get a non-molestation order to allow you to cut all ties with her and to report her to the police if she just keeps turning up?

Yes all my siblings feel the same and have limited amounts of contact with her. I will look into non molestation orders.

OP posts:
Muffsies · 22/09/2025 17:44

Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 17:12

you are spot on ! She said she wanted her partner to use his pension to pay it off but he has refused…….

guess her daughter she didnt bother with for many years is the next call 🤣

Oh dear, she's up shit creek, then. That's unfortunate for her, but she's just going to have to deal with the consequences of her own decisions. I imagine its not going to be pleasant to be around her whilst that all unfolds.

You owe her nothing, except maybe tell her to get help from the Citizens Advice.

Muffsies · 22/09/2025 17:46

Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 17:13

Yes all my siblings feel the same and have limited amounts of contact with her. I will look into non molestation orders.

You might well need one, she could get nasty as her situation becomes more desperate, you shouldn't have to put up with that.

Member984815 · 26/09/2025 10:18

Dolphindances · 22/09/2025 15:51

God knows. I have tried the ‘none of your business’ to her before and she called me a horrible cow and asked me to leave her house, unfortunately she got back in touch again and continues to want a relationship. I genuinely wish she would leave me alone, I would be so relieved

You don't need her to stop contacting you, you just need to drop the rope . Stop answering her calls and block her where you can. She has you conditioned into thinking you somehow need her . You don't.

BadgernTheGarden · 26/09/2025 10:28

Tell her you're broke and up to your neck in debt, nothing you have is owned it's all in hock and the holiday was on a credit card you can't afford to pay. That should stop any begging for money. Of course she might offer to bail you out...

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