Is it emotional abuse?

[MellowTealMentor]

I’ve been married for nearly 10 years and I’m starting to feel increasingly like he’s emotionally abusing me but I’m not sure and I don’t really know where to turn.

We have a 12 month old baby who is my absolute world. I run my own business and look after the home and our dog. I barely get any time to even sit for 5 minutes and relax as it’s non-stop. But my husband is just so controlling, argumentative and disrespectful that I’m finding myself crying most of the time and wondering how I’ve ended up with someone that treats me like this.

Some examples are: he redoes things I do, never says a positive thing or ‘well done’ to me on anything, has a go at me or mocks me if I don’t do something correctly or if I’m a bit slower at it than him. He calls me too sensitive but I never raise my voice at him and I am boiling over inside because I really want him to know I’m not putting up with it anymore but I feel I would ruin my baby’s life by breaking up our family.

I remember when he was babbling to our baby months ago and I joined in. “It’s not a 3 way conversation” he said. I then said “Oh sorry, I didn’t realise” and he replies abruptly with “you don’t need to look like you’ve been shot”.

He’s pulled me up on things like letting our baby’s ears get in the water by accident, not lifting one side of the towel up for him when I was about to dry the baby, not shutting the kitchen drawer properly. Honestly, it’s relentless and exhausting.

He once said to me: “Think about what you did and what you said.”

I really don’t know what to do. There is no quick fix and we have tried therapy but he puts on an ‘I’m so agreeable’ show that it’s so difficult to get anywhere. But I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m also terrified of being on my own and raising my baby.

And I’m sure it will be questioned why I had a child with this man…I love him. I always wanted a little family with him. He’s a great dad and he makes me laugh. We’ve had some great years together but I’m now scared to continue like this for the rest of my life :(

So he was like this pre baby?

He sounds..,, ghastly

Having had an ex partner like this - I would END it. You’ll be a great mum on your own - many have been in that situation and have coped ❤️

If my DH spoke to me like that our marriage would be over. That is absolutely disgusting.

At the first instance of this, mine would have ‘don’t you ever speak to me like that again or we’re done.’

The common theme is that it sounds like he is criticising you constantly, and that’s what I’d put to him.

frankly I’d be giving him some of his own medicine, there’s too much milk in this tea so think about what you’re doing etc etc

and when he gets fucked off with that I’d be pointing out he’s not your boss and you’re not his.

It's likely he will treat the child the same way he treats you as they get older. Don't stay with him for the baby, having both parents together isn't always for the best, sometimes it is much worse.
It does sound like emotional abuse, it doesn't even sound like he likes you. What a lovely family moment that could have been a baby and both parents babbling together but he has spoiled that. I imagine he will spoil many special occasions if you stay together.

And you are right to be scared to live like this, because it will destroy you.

So at the very least he needs a firm ultimatum and a recognition that you mean what you say. That probably means knowing you have consulted a lawyer.

Yes, constant low level criticism is a recognised form of emotional abuse, meant to destroy your confidence and feel like you have to try harder to please, it keeps you in a state of permanent low level anxiety. All kinda of abuse tend to increase in pregnancy or after childbirth.

Therapy won't work with an abuser. They won't stop it by themselves or change back into the person you think you remembered.

Also he isn't a good dad, if he is showing the baby that its OK for men to treat women like they're lesser. Who does he think he is to tell you off or decide what the 'right' way of doing something is.

You need to make plans to leave for your sake and the sake of your child. If you do it when they're still young they won't remember anything else

Agree with everything in this post

Yes - that is absolutely right. He ruined what should have been a lovely moment, and which would have been for a normal couple.

Your child will learn behaviours from him. Is that what you want?

Well yes, I do question why you had a baby with this insufferable cunt. But it's a bit late now. I don't know how you can say he's a great dad. A great dad doesn't talk to his child's mother as if she was a piece of shit beneath his shoe. And although he might make you laugh sometimes, I can't imagine his side splitting humour outweighs the humuliation he heaps on your head. Well, it obviously doesn't otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread. You really can't let your child grow up to believe that their mother, and women in general, should be spoken to like this. This is not a "happy little family" environment. It is abuse and it won't get any better OP. Please don't waste years of your life hoping for change until you're too old to leave and your child is damaged.

He’s vile and he’s not a great dad as he treats your baby’s mum like shit. Get rid.

OP, I also meant to say in my previous post that his comment of “Think about what you did and what you said.” is absolutely classic gaslighting and abuse. I know, I've been there. My DH used to say things like "I suppose it's OK now you've explained yourself" after I'd tried to excuse myself for the most insignificant/normal behaviour. In the end you will lose your dignity and probably best part of your sanity, as I did.

Sounds like you just want a good old whinge and maybe to sound off a little. I wouldn't make the mistake of going down the 'abuse' road. This could make victims of actual abuse less noticed.

It does sound like abuse. People in healthy relationships don't talk to each other like that. Have a chat with your GP or Women's Aid or both.

Why do you love him? I wouldn't be laughing at anything if someone undermined me and acted so condescending. He treats you like a child.

It's bang out of order and he won't change. Well, he might get significantly worse.

I guess you could insist on couples therapy. But that behaviour of constant grinding me down would have me heading straight for the solicitor's office.

@MellowTealMentor do you have anyone in real life you can speak to about this? Do you feel physically safe ?

I’m sorry you’re going through this You’ve been very brave opening up about it here. As others have said no this is not normal behaviour. Constant put downs and belittling someone IS a form of abuse, even if he does make you laugh. Sometimes there’s a cycle of an abuser being awful and then being overtly nice to make up for it straight afterwards. Sometimes abuse gets worse in pregnancy / after a baby is born as abusers feel a loss of power/ control and ultimately jealous of the attention the baby is getting.

sounds like you’re doing all the right things by suggesting counselling. If you’ve exhausted all avenues and he’s still awful, chances are he’s not likely to change.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk Is a good place to start with trying to get some support 🤍🤍

I couldn't put it better, especially that first sentence.

My husband got a bit like this the year after our baby was born.
he was angry at me about everything.

we went to counselling and I vividly remember him spending the hour telling the counsellor that he had called to tell me to defrost some chicken and when he came home from work I hadn’t done it because I’d forgotten (hugely sleep deprived) and I was irresponsible, unreliable and had let him down. He needed me to promise I wouldn’t be repeating behaviour like this again. I was aghast and said I couldn’t promise as it was a genuine mistake and not meant maliciously (counsellor did not take my side at all and said could I try harder to do what mattered to my husband fucking bitch).

anyway, it got a lot worse before it got better. I think it was a combo of him thinking I was having a years holiday, no idea how hard it was having a challenging baby, feeling jealous and shut out, missing attention from me..and being a complete abusing wanker.

anyway he’s a lot better these days, he has spent a lot of time with our kids now and has huge sympathy of how hard a day with small children is.

anyway I don’t know what you should do, leave or stay. Sorry, it’s such a tough call

we went to counselling and I vividly remember him spending the hour telling the counsellor that he had called to tell me to defrost some chicken and when he came home from work I hadn’t done it because I’d forgotten (hugely sleep deprived) and I was irresponsible, unreliable and had let him down. He needed me to promise I wouldn’t be repeating behaviour like this again. I was aghast and said I couldn’t promise as it was a genuine mistake and not meant maliciously (counsellor did not take my side at all and said could I try harder to do what mattered to my husband fucking bitch).

the counsellor said what now? And this story took him an hour?!

Yes @MellowTealMentor it is emotional abuse. You feel like you're going crazy because of the constant instability. The 'love' and laughter is part of cycle, the part that keeps you hanging on and not knowing which way is up. The part that gives you hope that it's all okay again for the short 'happy' time. But when he turns again you find yourself, again, trying to work out what you did wrong and what you can do to please him.

You can't please him. He doesn't want to be pleased. He wants to belittle and criticise you.

Your experience with the couples therapy shows why it is not recommended to have joint therapy with an abuser (not that I'm saying you were wrong, you weren't to know ) - they get to show the therapist how great they are and get them on their side and you end up feeling and being a whole lot worse off.

His behaviour works for him. It's highly unlikely he'll want to change. In the first instance, I agree with PPs and suggest you speak to Women's Aid or at least your GP who can point you in the right direction.

It's not you, it's him. I'm sorry you're going through this

um yes that’s emotional abuse.

If your baby is a boy he will grow up thinking this is how you treat women.

If your baby is a girl she’ll grow up thinking this is a normal way to be treated.

He sounds horrific and you sound terrified of him. "You look like you've been shot" says a lot. So sorry you are going through this. And, this is unquestionably emotional abusive. Please leave and protect yourself and your child.