Is it emotional abuse?

[MellowTealMentor]

I’ve been married for nearly 10 years and I’m starting to feel increasingly like he’s emotionally abusing me but I’m not sure and I don’t really know where to turn.

We have a 12 month old baby who is my absolute world. I run my own business and look after the home and our dog. I barely get any time to even sit for 5 minutes and relax as it’s non-stop. But my husband is just so controlling, argumentative and disrespectful that I’m finding myself crying most of the time and wondering how I’ve ended up with someone that treats me like this.

Some examples are: he redoes things I do, never says a positive thing or ‘well done’ to me on anything, has a go at me or mocks me if I don’t do something correctly or if I’m a bit slower at it than him. He calls me too sensitive but I never raise my voice at him and I am boiling over inside because I really want him to know I’m not putting up with it anymore but I feel I would ruin my baby’s life by breaking up our family.

I remember when he was babbling to our baby months ago and I joined in. “It’s not a 3 way conversation” he said. I then said “Oh sorry, I didn’t realise” and he replies abruptly with “you don’t need to look like you’ve been shot”.

He’s pulled me up on things like letting our baby’s ears get in the water by accident, not lifting one side of the towel up for him when I was about to dry the baby, not shutting the kitchen drawer properly. Honestly, it’s relentless and exhausting.

He once said to me: “Think about what you did and what you said.”

I really don’t know what to do. There is no quick fix and we have tried therapy but he puts on an ‘I’m so agreeable’ show that it’s so difficult to get anywhere. But I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m also terrified of being on my own and raising my baby.

And I’m sure it will be questioned why I had a child with this man…I love him. I always wanted a little family with him. He’s a great dad and he makes me laugh. We’ve had some great years together but I’m now scared to continue like this for the rest of my life :(

It's really quite strange how language and words have little meaning on here.

So, I abuse my husband every day usually. There isn't a day goes by when I don't have to re-do something he's done or remind him about something he hasn't. I can't remember the last time I praised him either so that's abusive.

However he also abuses me everyday too, and yet somehow, we both love each other dearly and have the mutual respect to understand that our children come first, and that seeing us happy is what they need.

I certainly would never feel the need to seek help because I wasn't being noticed as much as I would like to be.

It sounds very unpleasant. However, I would want more information to truly understand the dynamic. I feel like you are giving us part of the picture. None of theses things sound super severe on their own, without understanding more about context…. Eg: The ‘it’s not a three way conversation’ sounds really unpleasant….. but if it’s one instance- was this a really bad day/ is there a pattern he is experiencing maybe, of you not letting him relate on his own to the baby…. Ie you are always coming over and muscling in on his ‘moments’?

in terms of the criticism, it actually sounds like what quite often happens but with sexes reversed… the mum of a new baby being very particular and constantly correcting the dad, or redoing things her way when the dad has made an effort to do them… but just having different standards….. and I would want to know more about whether you are someone who is playing into that dynamic, by being a bit helpless, deferring to him, screwing up multiple times…. Often in that dynamic neither party are happy…. One is angry because they feel like they are the competent one with standards, and dealing with somebody who is a bit useless…. The other feels criticised and increasingly shut out/useless.

and yes saying’ think about what you did’ is very patronising…. But what did you do? It might be a phrase someone uses if a person is acting very irrationally or selfishly….. while of course, if it was in response to you dropping a cup or putting too much milk in his tea, that would be blatantly abusive.

so basically, yes this could well be abusive and he’s a total cunt….,, but I can also see how these things could happen if you guys were getting into a downwards spiral of tiredness, stress, irritation at each other, and if there were some reasonable grounds you are not telling us for him not trusting your competence? I’m not saying you deserve any of this- jobody deserves to be criticised and spoke. To unkindly. ….just that more information would be useful to understand the cause, the dynamic, and the potential solution.

Saying it because nobody ever does; perhaps he doesn’t want to be with you anymore and won’t leave for financial, cowardly or obligatory reasons. He can’t love and respect you or he wouldn’t keep putting you down. Please leave the arsehole. Your child will pick up on the micro aggressions/unhappiness. As painful as it is to start again, your child will be better for it.

I’m glad you and your DH love each other dearly. If you are both happy with your communication, then it’s not abuse.

The OP doesn’t sound happy witb the communication witb her DH. It sounds similar to how exDP communicated with me, which definitely was abuse and was definitely most unpleasant. Obviously I could be wrong because we don’t have that many details.

i don’t understand your comment and language and words. I don’t know what you mean.

Do you have children @Alicealig ?

OP, his personality is pretty miserable and unpleasant generally: he isn’t making you happy and you only get one life. I think some of his behaviour is appalling (“think about what you did / said” - who the fuck does he think he is?). Seems like he feels impatient / rude / grumpy most days but you are not his emotional punch bag to take his crappy moods out on. I think it’s time to speak up. I’d keep a record for two weeks of his comments, so you are firm in your mind about what he’s said in case he pretends you’ve imagined it all or are exaggerating. And then tell him that you are so unhappy with his treatment of you - detail it - that it no longer feels like a respectful, loving partnership and if it continues the relationship will end on the grounds of his totally unreasonable, domineering, endlessly griping behaviour.

Or he will turn the baby against you. You will end up with a teenager who has no respect for you.

You can't stay with a man like that for the sake of your child, all you will end up doing is teaching your child that it's OK to treat their partner with no respect and be ungrateful (or vice versa) Children learn by example

He was probably fine before baby was born. Now he thinks he has her trapped.

Unlikely. What the Op describes indicates a profoundly unpleasant individual. That doesn’t pop up with a change of circumstance. That would have been abundantly evident way before, but has no doubt snowballed since the baby was born because so many more trigger points

Yes, although I did state state that in the post I believe.

Then I find your post a little…. Peculiar

What kind of dick head comment is that

OP he's not a good Dad in the slightest if he's treating the mother of his child the way he's treating you.

From a poster who admits to reciprocal abuse with her partner so probably best ignored

According to many MNers everybody abuses their partner and receives abuse. In fact, anything we don't like that are partners do is abuse. He doesn't compliment me enough, ABUSE! I didn't like how he spoke to me, ABUSER! He tried to initiate sex when I was tired, FUCKIN SICK RAPIST! It's like waiting for the for the vulchers to come out I really do find the comedy value in seeing the things some of these unhinged women consider abuse in a long term relationship. You can tell they've never had one that's for sure....

How interesting, thanks for that little morsel of feedback!