unfair expectations among siblings

[ThatKindOpalBee]

Hi everyone so I just kind of stumbled across this website and would like some perspective and advice on my situation. I'm feeling quite upset about this as this has been an ongoing situation in my family.

I'm a 17 years old girl and I live primarily with my 14 years old sister and my mum. My dad works away a lot but we all have a decent relationship with him. I love my dad but one thing about him is that he would never disagree with my mum even when he tells me he does think it's not right.

Anyways what's making me quite upset is my mum's very different expectations when it comes to my sister and I. Now I understand my sister is nearly 3 years younger than me so it's reasonable to expect less from her. My problem is there is significantly less expected from her compared to me 3 years ago.

Since I was 12, I had been expected to contribute to chores at home, which I think is reasonable but my sister is now 14 and still isn't expected to do anything. Usually my share is the laundry and unloading the dishwasher on weekends. And groceries shopping like every 2 weeks (we are lucky my mum's a stay at home mum). I have no complaints about this, but the thing is my sister is not only not expected to do anything, she also dumps her things on the corridors, in the living room, and never bothers to take her dish to the sink after meals.

I have talked to my mum about this and she would tell my sister to do it once, and my sister would ignore her and my mum would use that as a reason not to expect her to pull any weight, as she wouldn't listen anyways. Yet, every time I don't do a good job on my chores my mum would tell me off. Also, if for example my mum take the trash out and I don't replace the garbage bag in time she would think I don't want to do it and would tell me off. She also complains that I don't do enough around the house. Every time it leaves me feeling indignant because my sister has never once been held accountable by her to even not leave her stuff everywhere or to put her dish to the sink.

My sister is also very unkind; a lot of times when my mum cooks dinner for us she would call it disgusting to my mum's face, criticize the food, then leave some on the plate and just leave everything on the table, including used tissues. She does whatever she wants and she watches her iPad all through dinner every night, blast music out loud frequently. She insults me and picks fights with my mum and I and gets away with all of it.

If I even do half of what she does my mum would definitely be very cross with me. It hurts the most when my mum tells me off for not doing enough chores and not even expect my sister to do the most basic things. My mum says I just need to do my part and what my sister does is irrelevant, and I understand that in principle but practically as a family when this happens I feel unvalued and very unfair. My mum just thinks a mature person wouldn't feel this way. AIBU?

Also, my mum says that it wouldn't be unfair as I am not doing my sister's share and she is just happy to do it for her and sister is unwilling to budge.

I am old now but I could have written your post. In hindsight my sister had undiagnosed ADHD and went into hysterics if asked to do anything and my mum couldn’t cope. My mum also felt very guilty about having post natal depression after my sister was born and rejecting her.

It won’t last forever. Just grit your teeth. When you are 18 you have options. Go away to Uni if that is what you want to do.

Tired mum here. We are just doing our best most of the time. ❤

My sister never went into hysterics she just ignores my mum when my mum is pressured to even ask her, because she knows she can get away with it. In your case I'd understand but in mine I just can't really comprehend the logic.

Ahh good old sibling rivalry!

I bet if we heard from your sister she'd have a similar story about you and how you're 'mum's favourite' and everything's not fair.

And of course a different story altogether from your mum 😁

It won't last forever though, as one day you'll move out and be Queen of your own castle.

Hang in there OP

I also think it sounds like your sister has ADHD so whilst I can absolutely understand and appreciate how frustrating it is for you, believe me, your mum is probably peddling away twenty to the dozen to help her. Different children have different needs, as a parent what is equal is not always what is fair.

Are you in school or college OP? If you are studying for A levels, I would imagine that you have a lot of homework to do in the evenings. What would happen if you didn't do your chores? Your mum is caving in and not making your sister do any chores as it is easier for your mum to do them than have an argument with your sister.

Your mum asks you because you are kind and reliable. Your sister is a bloody spoilt brat - I suspect with some sort of special needs.

Eventually, in her 30s my sister started being nice and kind and helpful - especially to my mum.

Yes, it is frustrating and I still remember my childhood and teenage years with some bitterness. All you can do is resolve to leave asap and not treat your own kids the same way.

Yes, your Mum is being unreasonable and inequitable. Your Dad, of course, is nicely out of the equation, with his constant travelling, leaving Mum to carry the can for the parenting, both good and bad. (I'm assuming there is some good parenting, that you do approve of? If so, for both you and her, it would be good to acknowledge it, if only to yourself!)

It's a shame your Mum is allowing this inequity and imbalance between you. It sets you up for a relationship with a vital member of your family, the one that is going to be there when your Mum and Dad no longer are, of resentment and negativity.

I know it doesn't help, and it likely doesn't seem that way at the moment, but you are actually getting the better end of the parenting deal. You are actually being perceived, and treated, with more respect, being treated as a mature and contributing part of the family in a way that your sister isn't. You are also being better prepared for independent life, being able to do basic housekeeping chores, being aware of the necessity of doing so, and not being brought up just assuming that someone else should be doing that stuff for you.

Which is not to say that I don't totally understand how annoying and frustrating the double standard is.

It is, in your Mum's defence, very hard to maintain complete equity and evenhandedness between siblings, particularly from the siblings' perception, no matter how hard you try! Because even siblings are very different people, with very different personalities, and needs.

I could have written your post too! Sadly I’ve learned that it’s the life we lead as an eldest child. My sister was ‘the baby’ and as a result had a much easier life, but because she didn’t have to do what I did she didn’t learn the skills that I did. When I left to go to Uni I could easily look after myself and my home as I’d been doing it for years. My sister didn’t have the first idea how to do anything when she left home and has had to rely on men for years.
Our life paths are very different. It may feel tough and unfair now but you won’t always resent this, it could help you in life.
Totally appreciate that doesn’t help you now. Grit your teeth and get on with it until you can move out.

OP's mum is a SAHM with two teenage children, one of whom does chores such as washing and food shopping. I doubt that she is that tired.

Trust me my mum is not doing anything about the situation and my sister does not have ADHD she can cope with cleaning up after herself she just doesn't want to do it.

I had similar with my 2, youngest had undiagnosed adhd. It was a battle to get her to do anything whereas elder dd was so easy going.
Stop guilting your mum, she’s doing her best and you and your sister are two different people. Know that you are learning to be independent and responsible as well as how to contribute to your family. These are all amazing skills that will make your transition to adulthood easier. That’s your reward.
Dont clean up after your sister but if your mum chooses to it’s upto her.

I am in year 12 so studying for A levels. My chores are in the weekends so doesn't directly interfere with my studies (yet). My mum would definitely be telling me off incessantly and I would have some sort of punishment if I flat out refuse.

Another eldest daughter here!

Yes, it's unfair and unequal but I don't know how to advise.

My sister was also an entirely different personality to me and might have ADHD as does my dad. (I suspect there is ASD running from my mum to me but she has passed away and I don't have particularly high support needs so I've not really gone that route).

All I can offer is a lot of sympathy and the suggestion to move out as soon as you are able.

In my case it isn't a battle to get my sister to do things and she does them when my dad is around or when someone else is. And I would say I'm not so easy going either but even if I had a bad day am a bit hysterical my mum would still insist I do them so I would say this is different.

I am sorry your mum is treating you so differently, and also that so many of the other posts here have said it’s ok. It’s really not, however hard your mum is finding it, and whether or not your sister has extra needs. FWIW she just sounds spoilt to me.
the saddest part of what you have written is that your mum has not heard you when you told her how difficult this is for you. That must be so hard for you. If I were you I would try again, and also tell her how hard it is for you that she hasn’t listened. We all need someone on our side, and it sounds as though neither of your parents are giving you this at the moment. It also won’t help your sister in the long run.
I hope your mum is able to hear you

Thank you for the perspective! I'd like to say that though I am not expecting complete equity but what is happening is too far from it I dare say.

Hi OP,

Been where you are, but mine was younger brother! I didn't get shouted at (much), but it did create a lot of bad feelings between me and my brother for years, I ended up feeling in a sort of 'parental' relationship with my brother as the eldest of a single parent family. My brother was never rude to my Mum though, just lazy and rarely listened to her requests to tidy his room and do chores. I get there a lot of mums on here defending your Mum, but honestly, the animosity unequal treatment it creates between siblings is real, can be long-lasting, and shouldn't be underplayed.

That said....if your sister is gonna be a lazy and rude so and so, there's not much you can do about it. Getting angry about it, while perfectly justified, only hurts you. I asked my mum a few times why she let my bro's behaviour slide and she said that it just stressed her out so much to be constantly on his back, she just gave up, and I get that too.

The situation is absolutely not fair, but not much you can do about it I am afraid. Just see it through with gritted teeth til you leave home and then hopefully it will be less of an issue when you're not there all the time.

Take care.

I completely get the point about being stressed out, but my mum is not too stressed out to constantly be on my back?

I meant my mum said she was stressed, I don't know about yours. I wonder whether your Mum may be taking out some of her frustration on the child she knows will listen to her (am totally speculating here) which makes it even more unfair! If you think this might be happening, you could perhaps raise this point with her?

What can I say, the situation is a bit shit, no two ways about it am afraid....can you vent to your friends etc?

This was me growing up, so I feel your pain! It seems to be the role of the eldest daughter to work, and the youngest to coast. Don't worry, you'll be more independent as a result.

OP, I think you should take a moment to have a chat with your mum, preferably when your sister is not nearby.
You could tell your mum that you are very unhappy with your home life and the different treatment of you and your sister and you want her to know this.

The truth is that when the resentment is huge and the different treatment is so pronounced, it can do long term damage.

I agree with the other posters. If you have a difficult child it’s really hard to make them contribute. It makes everyone’s life a misery. My difficult child was the oldest, which meant I followed the same pattern with the younger two of not asking them to contribute as much as I would have liked - in order to be fair. If she had been the youngest, I might have unwittingly fallen into the same pattern as your mum.

And then when your children challenge you on stuff, all sorts of other anxieties make you react badly - “my parents would never have allowed this behaviour”, “what would people think if they saw my child being this disrespectful”, “who will marry my uncooperative and unhelpful child if she stays like this”, and so on. These are unhelpful thoughts but every parent is parenting for the first time and learning on the job!

It’s your mother’s responsibility to create a good and supportive atmosphere in the home. If she’s currently incapable of doing that, however, the most pragmatic way for you to try and improve things is to open a non-judgemental dialogue with her. Keep talking about these things to try and help her understand the effect she’s having on you and explore solutions, or understand her perspective. Don’t get angry with her, just keep the dialogue open. You might find it’s hard to do. Parents find it hard too - that’s why you’ve ended up in this position!

And I agree that your upbringing will stand you in better stead than your sister’s.

I have tried this multiple times and every time my mum would say the same thing: that it's irrelevant what my sister does as long as my chores are reasonable. Which make a bit of sense but it still makes me feel bad