unfair expectations among siblings

[ThatKindOpalBee]

Hi everyone so I just kind of stumbled across this website and would like some perspective and advice on my situation. I'm feeling quite upset about this as this has been an ongoing situation in my family.

I'm a 17 years old girl and I live primarily with my 14 years old sister and my mum. My dad works away a lot but we all have a decent relationship with him. I love my dad but one thing about him is that he would never disagree with my mum even when he tells me he does think it's not right.

Anyways what's making me quite upset is my mum's very different expectations when it comes to my sister and I. Now I understand my sister is nearly 3 years younger than me so it's reasonable to expect less from her. My problem is there is significantly less expected from her compared to me 3 years ago.

Since I was 12, I had been expected to contribute to chores at home, which I think is reasonable but my sister is now 14 and still isn't expected to do anything. Usually my share is the laundry and unloading the dishwasher on weekends. And groceries shopping like every 2 weeks (we are lucky my mum's a stay at home mum). I have no complaints about this, but the thing is my sister is not only not expected to do anything, she also dumps her things on the corridors, in the living room, and never bothers to take her dish to the sink after meals.

I have talked to my mum about this and she would tell my sister to do it once, and my sister would ignore her and my mum would use that as a reason not to expect her to pull any weight, as she wouldn't listen anyways. Yet, every time I don't do a good job on my chores my mum would tell me off. Also, if for example my mum take the trash out and I don't replace the garbage bag in time she would think I don't want to do it and would tell me off. She also complains that I don't do enough around the house. Every time it leaves me feeling indignant because my sister has never once been held accountable by her to even not leave her stuff everywhere or to put her dish to the sink.

My sister is also very unkind; a lot of times when my mum cooks dinner for us she would call it disgusting to my mum's face, criticize the food, then leave some on the plate and just leave everything on the table, including used tissues. She does whatever she wants and she watches her iPad all through dinner every night, blast music out loud frequently. She insults me and picks fights with my mum and I and gets away with all of it.

If I even do half of what she does my mum would definitely be very cross with me. It hurts the most when my mum tells me off for not doing enough chores and not even expect my sister to do the most basic things. My mum says I just need to do my part and what my sister does is irrelevant, and I understand that in principle but practically as a family when this happens I feel unvalued and very unfair. My mum just thinks a mature person wouldn't feel this way. AIBU?

OP, people Re being unfair with you. What your mum is doing is not ok.
I'd tell your mum that what she is doing is deeply hurtful, that it affects how you see her and feel about her, and that you are less likely to want to spend time with her later on in life. I would also stress you are not planning on doing more than your share of elderly care so if she wants help from sister too she'd better start educating her now.

Well OP, you have every right to say to your mum that she can remember this conversation when she wonders why she doesn't see much of you when you leave home.

Favouritism causes huge damage in family relationships.

My daughters friend recently told her shocked parents that she is going to Edinburgh for university next September, as she is sick of their favouritism of her admittedly very nice brother.

He has been held to a very different standard to her for years, and she is done!. She has approached her grandparents about helping her and they have agreed.

Her parents are genuinely shocked and they have arranged family therapy.
She has been telling my daughter this for several years and has completely refused to consider her local excellent university, such is her stated desire to leave home.

Her parents are just realising how much they have messed up.

@ThatKindOpalBee I'm not surprised you feel resentment! I'd be SO frustrated if I was in your shoes!

The fact your mum lets your sister watch her iPad at the table speaks volumes. Not having the energy to force a child to do chores is one thing, but this is basic manners.

My 9 year old daughter is lazy and never does what is asked of her. She couldn't even be bothered to put her dirty clothes in the basket. I stopped doing it for her and unsurprisingly she ran out of pants and had such a tantrum when I made her wear her brother's pants! I told her the laundry fairy is on strike and if she wants her clothes washing she puts them in the laundry basket! Her two brothers are much better and helping.

If your sister dumps her stuff round the house then go and dump them in/on her bed.

As frustrating as it is, well done for being the bigger person and helping, and I'm sorry that you don't get the recognition you deserve for it.

I was you. Also the eldest. My DM even charged me money to live at home, everyone else got to live there for free! They weren't expected to work.
Guess what? The ones that were babied really didn't make much of their lives and I have a wonderful life. So as shit as it was at the time, DM really did me a favour in the long run, and it's very likely going to be the same for you.

Ah, that old typical saying. I find it quite a manipulative sentence really. Doesn't matter what shit parents do, does it? Because they're 'tired and doing their best.'
nonsense.

Children often need to be treated differently because they have different needs and capabilities. I did a lot more than my DB at home and there were much higher expectations on me. On the plus side I was much better prepared for adult life and never had any issues maintaining a home or a job and I manage my finances well.

She is a SAHM. She is not running around after small chlldren. She should do it all herself.

Sadly op this can happen with younger siblings. She sounds spoilt and entitled tbh. Your mum should be fair with you both it is showing you favouritism to your sis. If you refused to do your chores what would your mum say or do? You’re bound to feel resentment because she is getting away with being a lazy bitch who acts horrible to her own mother. Is your mum scared of her?

Hi

I agree its not fair, it's u equal treatment.

It's really really difficult though as a parent when one child just refuses to do stuff and if punishments don't work. Do you continue to punish and punish even though it doesn't get you anywhere and makes the atmosphere terrible for everyone? Or do you stop expecting more of the sibling who is willing to give more, to make things equal?

To give another example I've got 2 kids and one will eat veg if pushed and the other flat out refuses. The more I push the more she pushes back. If I back off, she sometimes tries some. I can't treat them equally as if I told both I didn't care if they ate their veg, they'd both have a bad diet instead of just one, which isn't the best thing. I know the one who eats veg thinks its unfair that she has to eat it when it is more optional for the other. It's a lot more complex than this and yes we discuss healthy eating and no I don't force it down either of them...but they need different approaches.

It sucks for everyone. In your shoes you recognise that doing chores is the right thing to do. I'd try and focus on this, you're doing your share because you're a good person and know that it's fair. This doesn't change if your sister does more or if she does less. Acknowledge that it's frustrating when she gets away with doing less...but I think she loses out in the long run (studies show that kids that do chores tend to be happier, more motivated etc as adults).

I'd also speak to your dad about it. Just because he isn't there much doesn't mean he shouldn't be an active parent when he is there.

And I'd have a think about what you want from this situation...what would make it better for you, accepting you can't change your sisters behaviour and your mum is unlikely to change her parenting style. Do you want more freedom because you've got more responsibility? Some free passes to not do stuff every so often? Some kind of recognition or acknowledgement from your mum that she treats you differently from your sister and while you understand why, that its not easy to know you've got higher expectations or will get punished for things your sister won't? It might be easier to have these conversations if you've thought some of this through first