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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my son not to give grandson any money?

34 replies

Adziloa · 21/09/2025 12:00

I deregged my previous account and I wasn't going to post this as I was made to feel like I shouldn't be posting with the “you've posted about this before”, grandson won't help himself and I'm at my wit’s end. I thought MN was supposed to be supportive.

But anyway, ill try keep this brief and answer any questions. My grandson is 17, he lives with me and my son. They moved in 2 years ago and my son moved out but he's living back with us now. When he wasn't living with us, grandson didn't have a relationship with him, he didn't reply to his messages unless to ask for things and didn't really come down and see him either. He would lie to him and say we had no food in and ask for money, my son would automatically send it without asking me. He threatened suicide so my son would buy him a new PC. He self harms and smokes weed.

He basically had no education for 2 years but I managed to get him to go to college and he had gone everyday but was adamant he didn't want any friends so he hasn't really socialised with anyone. He didn't go Friday because he “couldn't be bothered”. I suspect he is autistic like my son, but he won't listen. He just says nothings wrong with him and due to his age we need his consent to talk to the GP, there was a CAMHS referral over a year ago but he's likely to be 18 first and tbh I don't think they'd help anyway.

His mum was neglectful so he and his siblings (the siblings aren't my sons children) were taken and my son was given sole custody, he doesn't really talk about it/her but I do think she's the reason for some of his issues. He has contact with her over FB messenger but I don't know how much or how little. He did say she didn't wish him a happy birthday a few weeks ago and I think she's got his siblings back as she's posted them on FB, whereas with him they had a meeting to see if she could have contact, even if it was supervised and she said she couldn't be bothered and walked out. In an ice breaker thing at college they did a two truths and a lie game on one of the first days and one of his where that his mum doesn't love him, this was flagged to me as they wanted the game to be light and fun. He won't have counselling though.

Anyway, he's still been kicking off and shouting at us both since my last post, he spends all his time in his room if he's not at college and doesn't eat with us. He's still cooking at night and leaving a mess. My son gave him money yesterday so he could go to tesco, except he didn't and spent it all on weed, he came back and I could really smell it on him but he denied it. He went to his room and after that he came down and kicked off with me for taking his washing out of the machine, he does his own washing but he also then leaves it in so I can't do a wash and it then usually needs washed. I just hung it on the clothes horse but he kicked off at that and said I had no right touching his clothes and I did think he was going to hit me, my son was at work. Then he went back to his room and was on a video call to an online friend of his (he has no real life friends) and told me to leave him alone.

It can't go on like this and I don't know how I can keep picking up the pieces and try and get him on the right track if my son is going to give him money at the drop of a hat.

WIBU to tell him to stop? I have in the past and he says he's his son and his money. He just gives in so easily, even though he's moved in they still don't really have a relationship

OP posts:
smallpinecone · 21/09/2025 12:05

Kick your son out, he’s enabling all this nonsense.

CrouchHigh · 21/09/2025 12:07

I remember your previous threads, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Are Social Services involved? I agree with a PP, I think the first course of action is to kick your son out. He’s an adult and can look after himself, the child needs to be the priority and your son is not fit to father him.

Coconutter24 · 21/09/2025 12:10

Tell you son to find a home for him and his son because you’re not prepared to put up with this anymore

FuzzyWolf · 21/09/2025 12:11

I don’t think your son giving him money is the issue.

Given your grandson is in your son’s custody, and you are fearful for your safety, think you should be telling them both to move out.

Your grandson probably has a range of MH issues that need dealing with, especially if he is also ND, but you need to prioritise your own safety first and then you can try to support and help.

mzpq · 21/09/2025 12:14

They both need to move out OP.

PoppyFleur · 21/09/2025 12:15

You have done your best by taking both your son and grandson into your home and being an interested and involved parent. Sometimes that isn’t enough and specialist support is needed but you can’t force your grandson or son to engage. Now it’s time for tough love, lay out new rules, including your grandson attending counselling and college, if your rules are not agreed to and followed then they need to leave. You cannot sacrifice yourself for people unwilling to help themselves.

Teachingagain · 21/09/2025 12:18

If I remember rightly the son moves out and left the grandson behind. Your son hasn’t been a good parent and I doubt that’s going to change now.

Have you contacted SS yet?

SamphiretheTervosaur · 21/09/2025 12:20

I think you are going to have to open your eyes wide

You are enabling your son as much as he is his by letting him drift in and out of your house, leaving his needy and vulnerable child without parental guidance. It isn’t only his mother who has let him down

You need to work out what you want to happen. Whatever that is will probably involve your son providing a home for himself and his child. One that is not yours

Best of luck, because it sounds as though you are firmly wedged between a rock and a hard place

Star458 · 21/09/2025 12:21

Poor kid, two completely useless parents and now nearly an adult himself and much to late to get any real help for him.

Of course you can tell your son not to give him any money because he just spends it on weed though. I would tell son that if he continues to give GS money then he will have to move out again because you're not going to allow him to fund and enable your GS's weed habit.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/09/2025 12:50

You need to kick your son out.

Original poster
Adziloa · 21/09/2025 13:03

Social services aren't involved anymore, no. They used to be but signed them off, that was when they were still living where they were living previously. I don't think they'll be interested now as he's 18 in just over 11 months.

My son did move out but grandson wouldn't go with him and he's now living back with me due to threat of eviction. He is looking for somewhere else though.

I just don't see how I can help grandson if my son us making things worse. He had been doing well with college, he'd gone everyday apart from Friday. He said his ears hurt so he couldn't be bothered to go, he had done much better than I expected though.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 21/09/2025 13:16

Tell your son ri move out and present himself to the council as homeless.

surprisebaby12 · 21/09/2025 13:39

There’s only so much you can do. You’re obviously trying to help him but he’s not going to appreciate your efforts until much later when he gains some perspective and maturity. The only thing you can really do is have very clear boundaries, and if they are crossed follow through on your consequences. You need to decide at what point you want them both out. Your son can’t really expect your help for either of them if he can’t respect your very reasonable boundaries.

Teachingagain · 21/09/2025 13:50

I suspect while he is under 18 it will be easier to get help in place than if you wait a year.

Endofyear · 21/09/2025 13:53

I don't think anything you say will change your son's behaviour. As hard as it is, I think you have to tell them both to move out. You can still support your grandson but you need a peaceful home and you're never going to have that while they're both living there. You can't pour from an empty cup.

Original poster
Adziloa · 21/09/2025 14:04

Teachingagain · 21/09/2025 13:50

I suspect while he is under 18 it will be easier to get help in place than if you wait a year.

He won't agree to help though, he won't agree to counselling, he refuses to acknowledge possibly being autistic. He won't go to the GP and we can't talk to them without his consent, we cant help him if he won't help himself

OP posts:
Murdoch1949 · 21/09/2025 19:10

Is your grandson really attending college? If he is going is he completing his work - do you see him studying at home? He could just be pretending to attend college to keep you quiet.

smallpinecone · 21/09/2025 19:39

Adziloa · 21/09/2025 14:04

He won't agree to help though, he won't agree to counselling, he refuses to acknowledge possibly being autistic. He won't go to the GP and we can't talk to them without his consent, we cant help him if he won't help himself

Show quote history

I genuinely don’t mean to be harsh, but your son is a lost cause. With the best will in the world - he’s a grown man and you can’t help him anymore. He needs to make his own way in the world and stop relying on you to fix his problems. You’re hindering him while you allow him to move back in with you - it shouldn’t be an option. If he knew that wasn’t a possibility, he’d try and do something different. But he has no need to if you’re around to pick up the pieces.

Forget your son, and focus on your grandson now. He’s so young and his life is only just beginning. Why are you forcing him to acknowledge possibly being autistic? What material difference will it make to him? Don’t push him down this road if he doesn’t want to - same with counselling. It’s not for everyone. He might change his mind at a later point, but that’s up to him. Concentrate all your efforts on helping him, not his father. His father isn’t a good influence. Poor lad.

RosaMundi27 · 21/09/2025 19:47

FGS woman, grow a spine and start taking control of your own life. Get both of them out of the house. There's absolutely nothing you can do to change your son's or grandson's behaviour and they won't change. Not while you're enabling both of them.
Give the both 8 weeks notice to find somewhere else to live.

Maddy70 · 21/09/2025 19:51

Two separate issues here. The way your son parents his child really isn't anything to do with you. He's probably scared of losing him again and being a soft touch.
You could suggest he doesn't give him money but you can't tell him
Your grandson has been through an awful time and he is reacting. You all need support from social services, school , etc

Dweetfidilove · 21/09/2025 20:02

I'm glad your grandson has had your support, having been born to two utterly useless creatures.
You've done enough though, and should ask them both to leave. Your safety and peace should now be most important.

Thehorticuluralhussie · 21/09/2025 20:21

RosaMundi27 · 21/09/2025 19:47

FGS woman, grow a spine and start taking control of your own life. Get both of them out of the house. There's absolutely nothing you can do to change your son's or grandson's behaviour and they won't change. Not while you're enabling both of them.
Give the both 8 weeks notice to find somewhere else to live.

This

Original poster
Adziloa · 21/09/2025 20:33

Yes, he's definitely going in as I drop him off and pick him up and I get feedback from his tutors, he doesn't have any work to do at home though due to the course it is.

My son was evicted due to the landlord selling, there was no way to do things differently. He paid rent and everything on time. He's been looking and still is for a place but he needs to be near here and work so it's taking a while. He won't be a priority for the council.

I'm not forcing grandson to acknowledge he's possibly autistic. I haven't mentioned it to him for ages, but his tutors have been saying he may need an EHCP especially when he does a mainstream course, most students on his course already have one. They've mentioned how he doesn't talk to anyone on his course and doesn't speak to any of the staff unless they speak to him and still that isn't much, he refuses to take his hat off because he says it helps him keep calm etc etc. But to get an EHCP it’d help if he agreed and he could add things too but I doubt he'd agree, he's refused the college counsellor. And yes, counselling isn't for everyone but he won't try, he self harms even though I've taken things off of him, a few weeks ago he had a wound on his hand which he’d been picking at and making it look worse, it looked infected at one point but wouldn't go anywhere, it eventually did heal by itself but he obviously does have something going on mentally and I don't know how to help him if he won't help himself

OP posts:
Ilikewinter · 21/09/2025 20:47

What happened to all the advice you were given not to let your son back in your home and that he could present himself to the council as homeless once he got evicted?
You must know that he isn't going to be going anywhere now his feet are back under the table.

smallpinecone · 21/09/2025 20:54

Why is it necessarily a problem that he doesn't talk to anyone on his course and doesn't speak to any of the staff unless they speak to him? Maybe he’s a bit of an introvert and a loner - I’d have been described that way myself. It’s not a problem unless someone decides to make it one. If he refuses to take his hat off because he says it helps him keep calm, again - I don’t know what the problem is there. It works for him, he wants to keep his hat on. It’s a non-issue. These things just seem so petty and trivial.

He needs as much positivity, encouragement and support as possible now. What are his plans for the future? Has he got a career in mind? Would he like to travel, move away? Is he interested in sports or martial arts, clubs of any sort? I’d put all my efforts into steering him towards a positive future.

His dad’s a waste of space and a poor role model. Everything you say about eviction/council etc is irrelevant. He’s actively hampering his son’s future while he’s there - surely you can see that? He gives him money because it makes him feel better and eases his guilty conscience, not because it benefits the lad in any way.

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