To tell my son not to give grandson any money?

[Adziloa]

I deregged my previous account and I wasn't going to post this as I was made to feel like I shouldn't be posting with the “you've posted about this before”, grandson won't help himself and I'm at my wit’s end. I thought MN was supposed to be supportive.

But anyway, ill try keep this brief and answer any questions. My grandson is 17, he lives with me and my son. They moved in 2 years ago and my son moved out but he's living back with us now. When he wasn't living with us, grandson didn't have a relationship with him, he didn't reply to his messages unless to ask for things and didn't really come down and see him either. He would lie to him and say we had no food in and ask for money, my son would automatically send it without asking me. He threatened suicide so my son would buy him a new PC. He self harms and smokes weed.

He basically had no education for 2 years but I managed to get him to go to college and he had gone everyday but was adamant he didn't want any friends so he hasn't really socialised with anyone. He didn't go Friday because he “couldn't be bothered”. I suspect he is autistic like my son, but he won't listen. He just says nothings wrong with him and due to his age we need his consent to talk to the GP, there was a CAMHS referral over a year ago but he's likely to be 18 first and tbh I don't think they'd help anyway.

His mum was neglectful so he and his siblings (the siblings aren't my sons children) were taken and my son was given sole custody, he doesn't really talk about it/her but I do think she's the reason for some of his issues. He has contact with her over FB messenger but I don't know how much or how little. He did say she didn't wish him a happy birthday a few weeks ago and I think she's got his siblings back as she's posted them on FB, whereas with him they had a meeting to see if she could have contact, even if it was supervised and she said she couldn't be bothered and walked out. In an ice breaker thing at college they did a two truths and a lie game on one of the first days and one of his where that his mum doesn't love him, this was flagged to me as they wanted the game to be light and fun. He won't have counselling though.

Anyway, he's still been kicking off and shouting at us both since my last post, he spends all his time in his room if he's not at college and doesn't eat with us. He's still cooking at night and leaving a mess. My son gave him money yesterday so he could go to tesco, except he didn't and spent it all on weed, he came back and I could really smell it on him but he denied it. He went to his room and after that he came down and kicked off with me for taking his washing out of the machine, he does his own washing but he also then leaves it in so I can't do a wash and it then usually needs washed. I just hung it on the clothes horse but he kicked off at that and said I had no right touching his clothes and I did think he was going to hit me, my son was at work. Then he went back to his room and was on a video call to an online friend of his (he has no real life friends) and told me to leave him alone.

It can't go on like this and I don't know how I can keep picking up the pieces and try and get him on the right track if my son is going to give him money at the drop of a hat.

WIBU to tell him to stop? I have in the past and he says he's his son and his money. He just gives in so easily, even though he's moved in they still don't really have a relationship

Oh no… and OP still let him move back in? 😔

My son wouldn't be a priority for the council, they'd likely just house him in a hostel which would negatively affect his mental health, he struggles with his mental health already though is on antidepressants and can be doing fine for a while.

I've not said those are problems, it's just what the college has said and they think he needs an EHCP, they don't think he would cope with a mainstream course without one, this is just from knowing him for about 2/3weeks.

He wants to be a twitch streamer like his favourite one and that was the issue originally as he kept saying he didn't need college for that, he then reluctantly agreed to go but he isn't studying just one thing. The only thing he seems interested in is gaming and something he calls yaoi which is gay anime from what I can gather from google, I have no idea. He does like anime on it's own though and lego occasionally but his main focuses are gaming and his PC. He barely left the house before college unless to go to tesco (and get/smoke weed) now college is the only time apart from that

Your problem is that you are doing the same things as before and yet still expecting things to be different. There is a widely used quote that "insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results", thats what you are doing. Do what you have always done and you will get what you have always got.

The only thing that you can do is kick them both out. One months notice, done. Tough. They had their chances, and blew them.

The biggest problem in this dysfunctional relationship is you, I am sorry to say. Because as long as they know that you will keep giving, they will keep taking.

Oh I wouldn’t want the poor lad to leave, none of this is his fault. He’s been failed so badly already. It’s so upsetting the adults in his life can’t get it together for him. I have a son the same age and I just find this whole situation heartbreaking.

Your son and grandson need to move out.

This. You have tried your best but now your DS needs to manage his own son's behaviour living away from you.

A poor lad who only goes to college when his grandmother drops him at the door like a primary aged kid? A poor lad who spends all and any spare money on weed? A poor lad who verbally abuses the grandmother housing and feeding him for daring to touch his washing when he cant be arsed to move it?

How about "entitled arsehole" who has been taught by his father how to take advantage of his soft touch Grandma? How it happened is neither here nor there as far as the OP is concerned. What does matter is that she is suffering as a result and has the perfect right to say "ENOUGH".

He’s young, and has his whole life ahead of him. It makes me so angry that none of the adults in his life could get their act together and do their best for him. It’s just sickening. He’s that way because that’s what they’ve made him - they raised him - he never had a chance to do any better with parents like that. And now he’s to be thrown out on his own when they’ve given him none of the skills or confidence to navigate life; his father’s a waste of space and grandmother is a spineless enabler for her son.

People like this boy’s parents shouldn’t be allowed to have children. It’s obscene wickedness to do this to a child.

Yes tell him to stop. Does he not know his son spends it on weed? Does he not care? Whilst son is living in your house and you are effectively the parent of grandson, he has to go by your rules or he has to leave. Especially if grandson was doing better without him there.

However you also need to instill boundaries with grandson. That it is a condition of living with you that he goes to college and stops the weed/aggressiveness. Or he has to leave. Tell him the help is there to help him. If he doesn’t take it, how will things improve?

If things don’t change with grandson, I think you should evict him (before he is 18) so that SS will support him. There is supported housing for young people who are homeless.

If they don’t change then you will have to. It seems harsh but you are not unreasonable to not want to live like this and I would tell them both that too.

I would give grandson couple of months and if no improvements are made then he’s out. He has to learn he can’t treat you like this. Say you will help him all you can in that time but you have to stick to your plan, otherwise you are going to be in this situation in 2, 5, 10 years who knows?

YOU have to take charge, as neither of them has any incentive at the moment to change.