I pushed my 2 year old

[georgie6]

And I haven’t stopped crying from guilt all day long.

We have a 2 week old DS and a 2 year old DD, 2 week old DS very very different to how DD was as a newborn, cries for hours non stop and just generally won’t settle. DD was quiet and calm and this time around it’s hit me like a ton of bricks. DH and I are exhausted.

We were all getting ready to go out this morning and DS had been crying non stop for around 45 mins despite being fed, cuddled, nappy changed, he was warm enough etc I was changing his bum again on the changing mat on the floor as he’d done a poo and DD started shouting “no baby brother stop crying” over and over, DH told her simply that we don’t shout and explained that he cannot talk like she can so he cries to tell us he is unhappy. She nodded and then 30 seconds later walked over to me cleaning him on the floor and put her hand over his face and pushed down hard shouting no, in a split second I thought she was going to break his nose so I automatically pushed out and shouted “DD NO DO NOT DO THAT”. I didn’t push her hard, enough for her to remove her hand off his face and she fell onto her bum on the rug we were sitting on. She didn’t go flying or anything like that but she looked at me in absolute horror. I burst into tears, she burst into tears. Baby was screeching at this point, it obviously shocked/hurt him.

DH keeps trying to tell me I did the right thing, I had a split second to get her off him before she really hurt him but I am overwhelmed with guilt.

Guilt for pushing her, guilt for ruining our peaceful home by bringing another into it, guilt for not being able to give DS the amount of attention I gave DD as a newborn (I mean I sat and cuddled her pretty much for the entire first 6 weeks), guilt to DS for him being hurt this morning.

Within 5 minutes of explaining that mummy didn’t want to push but needed to quickly get baby brother safe, DD was dancing around with her fairy wings on seemingly unaffected by it.

I just feel like the worst bloody mum in the world right now and nothing DH can say makes me feel any better, I guess I need to hear from other Mum’s that it’s all okay and I’m not as terrible as I feel. I just keep seeing her shocked face and feel so sad that I pushed her.

She was at risk of suffocating her brother.

Pushing her was hardly crime if the century in response. It was mother’s instinct to protect her young.

Obviously you didn’t intend to her her and it doesn’t sound like you did. Hopefully she’ll have got the message that it’s not ok - so she won’t do it next time when you aren’t there to stop her.

As for baby. See HV. There may be silent reflux or CMPA involved and he may be in pain.

But please don’t beat yourself up over a reaction to something potentially serious when you meant no harm.

I’m sure she cried from shock and because you cried, rather than because it hurt. You acted on reflex and it doesn’t sound like you were forceful etc.
try not to worry, neither DS nor DD will remember this.

Wish I could give you a hug op. You did nothing wrong. In that moment you had to prevent your newborn being injured, your DD wasn't hurt and hopefully she's learned she can't put her hand over his face. Be kind to yourself, you're really in the thick of it right now.

It sounds like all of you have a lot going on and you need to be kind to yourself. You haven't hurt her, you've shocked her. You had to act quickly to stop the baby being hurt. She's so little, it's all so new to her as well. Forget it happened and move on, don't punish yourself. Also, see your GP or HV over the crying. Best of luck, it will all be ok.

It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong; you acted on instinct to protect the baby. DD got a bit of a shock but she’ll get over it; just give her lots of cuddles and reassurance.

This. Don’t worry op. It’s natural to feel a lot of emotions when you have a tiny baby. No one was hurt and you will all be fine ❤️

Please don't be hard on your self. It's a tough gig being the mum of a 2 week baby and 2 year old toddler.

You didn’t do anything wrong. You are all under stress. You had to protect the baby. Whatever you do don’t let your dd know you feel guilty. Tell her why you did it, apologise for any shock or upset she felt and let her know not to do that again. And then move on.

Something similar happened when I had an 18 month old and a baby. We were ready to go out in the double buggy. I turned to lock the door and my 18 month old DD grabbed her brother by the mouth and squeezed. He was screaming and I ran at my DD and pushed her off him quite hard. It’s like something took over and I had to protect my younger child. Honestly these type of things happen when you have two little children. Sometimes it’s chaos and they are both screaming and you feel awful and powerless. You are full of hormones and exhausted. You did nothing wrong and protected your newborn. Your DD may have now realised she cannot grab the baby. Don’t worry she won’t be scarred for life. They’ll be the best of friends before you know it and this will be a distant memory

We have all done things we shouldn't have. Please don't be hard on yourself. Any parent who claims to have been 100% perfect isn't telling the truth

You poor darling, you did nothing wrong at all x

I remember the guilt and the pure despair when we had dc2. I was so worried I had ruined the bond with dc1. I cried a lot and got very jealous of DH and dc1 bonding more (she had always been a mummy's girl). Also felt guilt that I was busy doing more things for dc1 rather than purely with dc2.

I started doing some love bombing stuff with her. So very intense one to one time between feeds with dc2. Or is sling dc2 and go and do play doh or something with dc1.

The love bombing eased the guilt and probably helped dc1 feel like it was more 'normal' again and the hormones calmed down and now DC get on so well and DD is still a mummy's girl. It all worked out and it will for you too.

Go easy on yourself.

I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself. You’re in the trenches at the moment and we’ve all snapped at some point. She’ll be fine just lots of cuddles, maybe have some one to one time where you do her bedtime story or something.
On a purely practical note re: feeling like you’re giving the six weeks of cuddles you gave your first do you have a stretch sling? I wore my youngest constantly for the first couple of months, doing bathtime, cooking etc and he felt cuddled up to me but I could look after my eldest and she didn’t really notice I had a tiny baby asleep strapped to me and saw it as she was getting my attention! Hope you’re ok and congrats on your new arrival.

Go easy on yourself.

Can you get a little 121 time with either of them?
Divide an conquer get DH to take on for a bit, then swap over so DD gets a bit of time when she is centre of attention..

Ahhhh go easy on yourself. You reacted instinctively in the moment to protect your newborn from harm - what a great protective mama 🥰 Whilst upsetting for your toddler and you, no-one was hurt.

It sounds like you are all exhausted and overwhelmed. Your toddler could do with some 1on1 time with each of her parents, so that she doesn’t feel pushed out by the new baby. Sounds like you need to take baby to see the GP or HV to try understand why he is crying so much. And you need some rest time.

Could hubby take the baby for an hour or two tomorrow so that you can do something lovely with your daughter?

There’s a difference pushing because of danger and pushing because of anger. I’ve pushed my daughter before when she was about to grab a hot cup of tea I’d accidentally placed in her reach. Totally my fault but it kept everyone safer so not really harm done, she was a bit shocked, but it’s also ok that she knew that wasn’t a good choice to grab my
cup. I’ve also shouted at her to stop when she was running towards a road, and it gave her a real shock as I’m not at all shouty…

you did what you needed to do to keep a newborn safe without hurting your daughter - being pushed out of the way happens all the time with other kids and she wasn’t hurt. She needs to know she can’t put her hands on the baby in that way and obviously you’d not normally push her so a little shock will help her learn the lesson.

Be kind to yourself. I would have done the same, and still do, if the younger is at risk at 22 months.

Imagine if you hadn't, she might have broken his nose, he might have had to go into the ICU, she'd feel guilty, you'd feel guilty for allowing it to happen. You might even resent her for it.

If you need it, we give you permission to forgive yourself.

Aw love what you did was natural, it's not like you got pissed off with DD for making a mess or something like that. You acted instinctively and to protect your newborn.

I suspect that if you weren't feeling so tired and overwhelmed at the moment, you'd recognise that what you did was a proportionate response and that DD won't be scarred for life (or even remember it tomorrow).

I have a 12m old and a just turned 4 year old and still feel guilty that my older DS doesn't have the same amount of attention that he had before DD was born. I am sure it's one of those things that gets easier, especially when they can start to play together and you see the sibling benefit.

If it's any comfort, I did something similar when dd1 was 3yo. I tripped over dd1 and sent her flying in my haste to stop her picking newborn dd2 up. Dd1 has absolutely no recollection of it at all.

I clicked you are being unreasonable only because you reacted in a split second, I would have done the same. You’re having a hard time and I really empathise as I had a very unsettled baby and it absolutely floors you. Lots of cuddles for both tonight and leave the guilt behind 💐

You reacted in the moment to protect your newborn from something that could have really hurt him. It sounds like a situation that did need an immediate response, and ok, in hindsight you could have just removed her hand - but hindsight is always perfect, and you didn’t hurt her.

Exactly this, you were trying to protect your baby from harm. Your older child was not harmed but just shocked.

Honestly getting used to having multiple kids can be hard and often you have to protect them from eachother!

Thank you all so much, it’s really reassuring to read your messages.

DD is getting lots of 1-1 time, she’s been swimming with DH twice this week for example, I took her to the park on our own too as well as doing things as a family (little things like looking at the fish at the garden centre and getting lunch etc).

I can’t believe how much guilt I feel, everyone told me to expect to feel a tiny bit guilty towards eldest until we all settle into a routine but it’s hit me like a ton of bricks.

I have started colief today in his bottles and he’s on anti reflux milk, DD although a very chilled baby had CMPA so I’m on the lookout for this. DD had very different symptoms though, mucus and bloody poos and pushed away milk etc but his poo is normal and he guzzles milk like no tomorrow. If no difference this week I’ll make a GP appt for him, I have the HV visiting on Thursday so will also mention it to her.

I gave DD a cuddle right away and said sorry for pushing but explained why in a brief way “baby brother is so small we mustn’t put our hands on his face and push as it will really hurt him” that kind of thing.

We’ve read a book together and had a cuddle in her bed as normal tonight. She seems to have forgotten about it (I hope). Why is being a mum such an emotional rollercoaster?! Best but hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Kindly, you are overreacting (I can see why though). Gosh, I’ve pushed and pulled my twins about a fair amount (they are 7 now). It’s very difficult to keep two young children safe at the same time and you often only have a split second to react.

I've put yabu because this was an appropriate response. Ultimately you need to keep them both safe. She wasn't hurt, and you got her off him. Be warned, it will get worse. So make a plan of what you'll do when she hits or grabs him next time (I mentally prepped picking my child up and moving them away as in the moment I absolutely would have shoved them otherwise).