And I haven’t stopped crying from guilt all day long.
We have a 2 week old DS and a 2 year old DD, 2 week old DS very very different to how DD was as a newborn, cries for hours non stop and just generally won’t settle. DD was quiet and calm and this time around it’s hit me like a ton of bricks. DH and I are exhausted.
We were all getting ready to go out this morning and DS had been crying non stop for around 45 mins despite being fed, cuddled, nappy changed, he was warm enough etc I was changing his bum again on the changing mat on the floor as he’d done a poo and DD started shouting “no baby brother stop crying” over and over, DH told her simply that we don’t shout and explained that he cannot talk like she can so he cries to tell us he is unhappy. She nodded and then 30 seconds later walked over to me cleaning him on the floor and put her hand over his face and pushed down hard shouting no, in a split second I thought she was going to break his nose so I automatically pushed out and shouted “DD NO DO NOT DO THAT”. I didn’t push her hard, enough for her to remove her hand off his face and she fell onto her bum on the rug we were sitting on. She didn’t go flying or anything like that but she looked at me in absolute horror. I burst into tears, she burst into tears. Baby was screeching at this point, it obviously shocked/hurt him.
DH keeps trying to tell me I did the right thing, I had a split second to get her off him before she really hurt him but I am overwhelmed with guilt.
Guilt for pushing her, guilt for ruining our peaceful home by bringing another into it, guilt for not being able to give DS the amount of attention I gave DD as a newborn (I mean I sat and cuddled her pretty much for the entire first 6 weeks), guilt to DS for him being hurt this morning.
Within 5 minutes of explaining that mummy didn’t want to push but needed to quickly get baby brother safe, DD was dancing around with her fairy wings on seemingly unaffected by it.
I just feel like the worst bloody mum in the world right now and nothing DH can say makes me feel any better, I guess I need to hear from other Mum’s that it’s all okay and I’m not as terrible as I feel. I just keep seeing her shocked face and feel so sad that I pushed her.