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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this an underhand comment

37 replies

thesurreymum · 20/09/2025 18:36

It’s my bday in a couple of days. DM came today to bring me a present. My DH notoriously never makes much effort for my bday and it’s been the source of tension previously. My DM knows this well and often makes comments around my birthday like ‘did x spoil you rotten’ knowing full well that’s not happened. I have two primary aged children and today DM went to them in full ear shot of me ‘have you gone and got mummy loads of presents’ they replied no we’re waiting for daddy. Again she knows that they are too young to get anything on their own and knows that my DH has highly unlikely not sorted anything. It just upsets them as they want to make an effort plus I’m there anyway so it’s like she’s making a point! I know the real problem here is my DH but my DM knows this and it feels like she’s digging the knife in at my expense. If she was that concerned at the lack of effort she could take the kids to get a card.

OP posts:
Blappengrap · 20/09/2025 18:37

Your problem here is your partner, not your mum.

Theunamedcat · 20/09/2025 18:38

Underhand towards her son maybe? Sounds like she is trying to be on your side a little clumsy but I wouldn't say she is knocking you

Moonnstars · 20/09/2025 18:39

Sounds like your mum is trying to drop hints and hope that your DH will pick up on things and step up.

Original poster
thesurreymum · 20/09/2025 18:40

Just to add it's not her son and he wasn't home at the time! I do know the problem is DH just feels like she's rubbing salt in the wound

OP posts:
Clairey1986 · 20/09/2025 18:41

She’s not knocking you, if anything she’s wanting to embarrass her son into action.

Have a word with her to explain it upsets you and the kids but you’d be very happy with her setting him straight privately.

Whyherewego · 20/09/2025 18:41

She's trying to ensure that your kids are aware and will at least try to make a fuss. I dont think it's underhand

Leoislazy · 20/09/2025 18:42

Blappengrap · 20/09/2025 18:37

Your problem here is your partner, not your mum.

In one ☝️

thistimelastweek · 20/09/2025 18:43

Your mum is nasty.
Your dh could be a number of things. We need more info on him other than rubbish present giver.

ScurryfungeSpuddle · 20/09/2025 18:45

Why don't you ask your mum to take the kids to get something for you if your DH won't?

Itsanewlife · 20/09/2025 18:58

I think you should take control of this birthday situation, else the resentment is going to build year on year.

The problem ofcourse is your DH not your mother (although she could be more sensitive).

Tell (don't ask!) your DH to take the kids to get you presents/make a card/give you coupons. Even if he is crappy with birthdays, he can't model behaviour for your children that takes you entirely for granted. Make a fuss!

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 20/09/2025 19:03

I would assume that she is hurt and pissed off in your behalf and clumsily trying to get the kids to make him step up, or hoping you will see that you are worth making the effort for and should be treated better. But you know your mum. Is she a bitch? Or are you transferring the hurt that should be directed at your DH to her?

NarnianQueen · 20/09/2025 21:04

Maybe she’s wanting your kids to ask their dad to take them to get presents? I wouldn’t assume a negative motivation

HeartbrokenCatMum · 21/09/2025 00:33

There must be backstory here? Is she normally spiteful?

JMSA · 21/09/2025 04:49

I would understand if she was making the digs in front of him! But she isn’t, so it’s pointless, and only serves to make you feel worse 🙁
I will never understand how some men can be so useless though.

Shoxfordian · 21/09/2025 05:38

She's right though, your dh isn't making enough effort for you

JC89 · 21/09/2025 05:57

It sounds like DM is trying to get the kids to prompt their dad into not being useless... If that's not going to work she probably needs to tone down what she says to the kids so that it's something they can realistically do for themselves. They can't go out and get loads of presents but they could make you a card.

BadgernTheGarden · 21/09/2025 06:05

Tell your mum you're not bothered about birthday presents and stop going on about it (even if it's not true), tell you partner to take the children to get you a present, tell him they have told you they want to and they will be disappointed if they don't get to. If choosing presents is not his thing give him a list! And don't set expectations too high, although it sounds like you don't anyway, have a fun birthday, make yourself a nice birthday tea (for the whole family) and make a cake with the children.

Costcogroupie · 21/09/2025 06:31

Tell your mum to drop it, she's not helping.

I hope you don't buy him anything for any occasion in return.

Toesy · 21/09/2025 06:37

Unpleasant mother having a dig, waster partner.
You deserve better.

WatchingTheDetective · 21/09/2025 08:28

So your husband gets upset at being reminded that he never buys your present and doesn't take your children to buy your present either? Will boo-hoo for him.

Why on earth isn't your mum doing something about this as well? She could easily take the children to buy you something for your birthday.

Newname71 · 21/09/2025 08:33

ScurryfungeSpuddle · 20/09/2025 18:45

Why don't you ask your mum to take the kids to get something for you if your DH won't?

This is what my DM would do . After she’d given DH a kick up the arse!

Owly11 · 21/09/2025 09:09

How do you feel about not getting made a fuss of on your birthday? What were birthdays like for you as a child? I do think your mum is being pointed and it must be pretty annoying. But I think you do need to have more agency both in dealing with her and with the situation with your DH if there is one. I am assuming there is one otherwise you would just nip things in the bud with your mum by saying something breezy like ‘oh I don’t like a fuss made of me, there’s no need for the kids to do anything’.

Wadadli · 21/09/2025 09:13

thesurreymum · 20/09/2025 18:40

Just to add it's not her son and he wasn't home at the time! I do know the problem is DH just feels like she's rubbing salt in the wound

Your mum sounds like a cowbag - her comment was nasty and unnecessary. You need to have a word and tell her to stop.

Do absolutely fuck all for your H’s next birthday other than sending him a card from your children. If he gets arsey, feign ignorance and remind him that adult birthdays aren’t a thing in your household … let him stew on that

Largestlegocollectionever · 21/09/2025 09:14

I totally agree - so you’re at home alone with your dm, and your children, no dh present? That’s when you and your mum should be able to speak privately and you share how horrid it is that your dh doesn’t make much effort, dm listens, and then hopefully takes kids out to get you something - that’s what you’d expect a supportive mum to do…… I’d call her out on it.
’Mum why are you saying that to the kids when you know dh makes no effort and it upsets me. It would be really great if you wouldn’t mind helping them get me something please’.

DaisyChain505 · 21/09/2025 09:17

thesurreymum · 20/09/2025 18:40

Just to add it's not her son and he wasn't home at the time! I do know the problem is DH just feels like she's rubbing salt in the wound

How is your mum rubbing salt in the wound.?
Your “Darling” husband is saying that as if this is a situation out of his hands and he can’t do anything to change it.

Hes being a shit uncaring husband and not doing anything for your birthday even when he knows it upsets you and your children.

Try directing your anger at the right person. It’s not your mum.