Aibu about dying father

[Carrottopppp]

I found out on Thursday that dad was in hospital and they found a huge mass on his lungs and sent him for testing, anyway yesterday we got told that unfortunately it's untreatable as he's unknowingly had it for years and it's wrapped itself around vessels and is pushing on his airway and that he only has weeks left 😞 he now has to stay in hospital on end of life care and I've been banned from seeing him 😭 by his sister and my twin brother.

All family members were informed about dad's condition on Thursday and one of those was one of his other sisters and it was me that let her know, now for context I did know they hadn't spoken in years but I thought it was because they just drifted apart like I have with a few of my siblings, nobody in all these years thought to inform me that they actually fell out and dad completely despises her, anyway I was getting ready to leave for the hospital on Thursday and I got a message from my brother saying dad doesn't want to see you, which then turned in to my auntie abusing me over social media, then yesterday my sister spoke to dad and he said he'd like to see me so yet again I got ready was about to set off and I was banned again.

Turned out through a message from my brother that him and my auntie had told my dad that I was coming to visit him with the sister he despises 😒 I was absolutely livid as was my mum and a few more family members, how dare they think I would fetch her knowing what I know now about her and my dad and then the abuse started again from my auntie and brother and my aunties adult children, but the most heartbreaking thing was a text I got from my dad telling me not to contact him ever again. My dad's dying and they used him for their own gains they manipulated a dying man and now he won't hear otherwise from anybody else. I know I shouldn't have let his other sister know but I didn't know that at the time. Who's being unreasonable here.

Apologise to your mum and dad.

Op you obviously weren’t even remotely close to your father or perhaps had any relationship at all.

So butt out

Apologise for what, not being psychic, he knows from my sister that I own doing it and on reflection I shouldn't have told her, why do I need to apologise to my mum this has no direct impact on her, she's been separated from my dad for 27 years and even she's agreed that my auntie and brother are bang out of order. You have some warped views if you think that I should be kept from my dying father and obviously deserve all the abuse and threats that not just myself but my small children are recieving. If you would have read my post properly you would note that it's kind of hard to apologise to someone that has clearly told me to contact him.

I wasn't close!!! I live down the road from him, saw him regular, yet the auntie that banned me hasn't seen him in 10+ years my dad refers to her as "that slag from (insert home town) don't get me started on that bitch". Not one single person beside me, my sister and my brother have had anything to do with my dad most in 10-20 years yet one call to say he's dying and suddenly they all come rushing, rather 2 faced isn't it.

Il sorry you’re in this situation. Your Dad’s sister (who sees him) sounds awful, how dare she interfere. I’m sure your intentions in telling his other sister weren’t malicious.

try and speak to your mum.

They weren't malicious at all, I don't see eye to eye with my sister but we put our differences aside for dads sake, she's been talking to dad on my behalf and she's been on the phone to my auntie giving her what for and she also confronted my brother yesterday, nobody else in the family agree with what they have done. My mum and dad are still legally married as none of them ever entered another relationship after separating and she's at the point now where she wants to step in and ban my brother and auntie from being near dad, he's easily manipulated as he gets really confused and repeats himself and they are using that to their own advantage. All I've had is messages laughing at me that they know important information and I'm never gonna know, saying dad's leaving everything to my brother hahahaha I don't give a crap what he leaves him I just want to see him before he goes.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. People behave out of character at times like this. Let it settle, talk to the sensible members of your family, and I am sure your dad will want to see you.

It’s difficult to know (out of the messages you have received) what is true and what is someone just being nasty. Can you be sure the message from your Dad was actually written by him? If he is vulnerable / easily manipulated, one of your relatives may have told him to hand over his phone as they will message you / sort it out on his behalf.

I would go to the hospital anyway, and visit your Dad, and speak to him in person. You can tell him that you didn’t know (about his sister) and you can apologise. And you can spend some time with him.

Why has your aunt got a pointy stick jammed up her arse, what's her problem?

Because my auntie despises her sister more than dad does and she hates the fact that her sister knows. I can't go to the hospital as they have told the nurses to put me on the no visit list and I can't even call to see how he's doing as I've been banned from that too. I know the messages were from dad as I know how he types, I told him that I apologise for telling her, that I'm so sorry he's going through this and that I'll always love him and he responded with don't contact me again about this family matter.

I do realise I'm fighting a battle that ultimately I'm not going to win am I.

This is all so difficult, I'm sorry op 💐

What has your relationship with your brother been like until now?

If its been good until this auntie stuck her beak in I would go see him and talk face to face.

I would also be blocking the auntie on everything.

Will your dad take a visit from your Mum? Can she go and explain on your behalf?

Could you write him a letter? Apologise wholeheartedly for telling the sister he cut out, and then just write everything , good memories, how he shaped you as a person, how much you love him, just everything you want to say. It will be cathartic for you if nothing else.

How do you know you are on a ‘no visit’ list? Who has told you this? If it were me I would still go and try to visit. If I lived close and had the time I would attend the hospital every day to try and visit, so that at least he could see that I cared and wanted to see him. I don’t understand about petty feuds that split families up - life is too short, people just need to be more tolerant and understanding. (Obviously I don’t include serious things, like SA etc, in this..)

I'm sorry OP, your family sounds very dysfunctional and there's obviously a lot of back story to this with people falling out with each other and saying nasty things about each other. Ultimately, you have to accept that this is your dad's decision, you have apologised for contacting his sister and that's all you can do. If he's willing to cut contact with you for the short time he has left, he doesn't deserve your care and concern.

Any chance they're after the inheritance?

I think you're focusing too much on your auntie and brother. Go straight to your Dad again, let him know the truth, apologise again and ask him how you can put it right. Go to the hospital, the worst thing that can happen is you get turned away. There might not even be anyone asking who you are, often at visiting times people just walk in. And keep going to the hospital. If he only has weeks left then you will regret it if you let this nonsense stop you seeing him.

Ive just been in a similar situation with an evil step aunt and estranged from my dad brother. The difference is I was with my dad. I do whatever I could to be with him now. Even if that means ignoring the no visit list. Your aunt and brother cant be there all the time.

H had similar with his siblings and bil pulling rank and 'guarding' accesss to his mum when she was poorly and finally died. It was about money - as usual.
She had a simple cremation.
We went no contact withthem years ago, toxicity over hiding money from being assessed from social services among other things.
Years without the petty drama has been great.

As far as I know there is no money, dad retired a few years ago and lives on a state pension and he came to me 5 years ago with paperwork saying I was in charge of his funeral and his life insurance but I've since found out he's recently changed everything and I'm sure he never kept up with the life insurance payments but they don't know that which does raise concerns as dad hasn't had full faculty for a year but refused to be assessed by a doctor. My mum and dad are really good friends and she's spoken to him along with my sister but he's refusing to hear them out. He's told the nurses not to allow me in or to give me info over the phone.

My auntie doesn't and has never worked and her, my brother and her sons spend all day with my dad they then go over the road to the pub and flit between my dad and the pub and then once drunk starts abusing me. I have her blocked on everything so she contacts me through my brother's Facebook. Dad's on 24 hours visiting as they are expecting him to pass soon and they always make sure at least one of them is there in case I turn up.

So this means your brother is actively passing the messages onto you...?

If your dad has cognitive decline due to dementia, then this does change their personality, and they can become more aggressive / unpleasant. They can also do things like accuse close family members of stealing from them, and completely take against someone. I would still go to the hospital, and explain to the nurses what the situation is, and ask them to speak to your father alone (without other family members present) about you, and whether you can visit him. This might get to the bottom of what is actually happening.

Doesn't matter. Go and see him now.

My brother has been passing messages on but dad also messaged me saying he doesn't want me there and to not contact him, his mental capacity we thought was dementia but his consultant has said it's likely because the cancer is in his lymph nodes aswell. The hospital do have a mediation service for these things but it's voluntary and my brother and auntie will likely not bother turning up if I contacted them for a meeting. It does matter when I can't get past the nurses to see him, I wouldn't want to him to feel pressured and obligated to see me because I've turned up against his wishes. My other sister has travelled hundreds of miles to see him today and we are hoping she can change his mind as she's not happy with what they have done.

Just go to the hospital, politely ask to get in. Do NOT make any sort of scene no matter who is there or what they say. If worst comes to the worst and you never see him again at least nobody can accuse you of not trying and your concscience will be clear.

Typo, sorry.

I've tried twice to go and see him and both times just as I'm leaving I've been stopped. My conscience will always be clear as I have tried, I've reached out to him and other family members have approached him on my behalf to no avail, the others cant be there all the time but my brother and auntie can and once everyone leaves they are inside his head again. I'm going to have to accept im fighting a battle I can't win and I don't want to fight it and I'm at the point of just being done with the whole thing.

There will be one hell of a backstory here. Would be interesting to hear the family’s version